I never believed it was possible to lose the ability to feel empathetic. Over the course of the last ten years, I have slowly started to feel less and less empathy for people’s unfortunate situations.
I’m not sure if this is normal when you become older, or if this is because I have lost so many people that are close to me, or if this is because of the chronic pain I have endured over the last five years… probably a combination of all of the above.
Not a situation I am proud of. I don’t think it’s the lack of empathy. It’s more of a numbness I feel. I have a hard time taking in anymore sadness. I understand why people have a hard time going to hospitals, which I didn’t really understand before. I don’t have any desire to be in a hospital… EVER. Whether for good or bad. I have no desire to answer the phone, I was bad before, but now? Please, I’d rather just not … ever … answer … the phone. So many unfortunate conversations have occurred over the phone. All those updates and urgent calls in the middle of the night, jumping in the car with 1/2 a bag packed and driving like a bat out of hell to someone’s ICU. It’s not fun.
Please don’t get me wrong. I would not take any of this time back. I would not do anything differently. The moments I had with all of my loved ones was very special to me and I still cherish it. It’s just, there has been a lot of death and I am numb.
I feel guilty for not wanting to go to the hospital when people are ill. This used to not even be something I would think about. Now? It’s very difficult for me to imagine getting out of the car and going in the elevator and walking through the ICU and hearing the beeps and sounds of the machines and the sickness.
Wow…. this is really some depressing shit. I am sorry.
I have been in a flare, the pain has not been fun. With pain ultimately comes depression and I have been battling these two for the past couple months like a dragon slayer and I gotta tell you. It’s been one hell of a battle! Every time I see the sunshine, it feels like that shit comes right back … consistency has not been working with me. You all know how that goes. Right now it seems for every one or two good days, I’m getting 3 or 4 bad days. Keeping my head up is not easy, but I’m praying and working at it as hard as I can manage!
Tomorrow I’ll be more positive, I promise! Thanks for reading… stay cool!