i am going out of my mind… it’s bad enough the weather is changing and every inch of my body seems to want to scream out in pain to let me know. it also seemed to be a good time to catch the flu. why not? why not get it all over with at the same time? i mean… let’s stop and pause for just a moment to think about why not:
- it’s not as if i haven’t missed enough time from work and
- it’s not as if laying in my bed 24 hours a day/ 7 days a week doesn’t thrill me to pieces and
- it’s not as if feeling like my head has been filled with cement is better than just the foggy feeling i usually have and
- it’s not as if my kids don’t love joining me in my bedroom for “mommy and me” time and
- it’s not as if that journey from my bed to the kitchen for my “once a day” trip out of bed doesn’t just make for a great “FIELD TRIP”! and
- it’s not as if the walls aren’t closing in on me in my bedroom and
- it’s not as if playing these same four facebook games don’t keep my interest, right? RIGHT?? and
- it’s not as if having the flu is really that bad… I mean it’s just aches and pains…
shit. it’s just aches and pains…. what the eff? if i thought my aches and pains were bad before… let’s just say TIMES TWO! i was not an 82-year old lady anymore, i was a 164-year old lady this week. a 164-year old lady that couldn’t sleep, had no appetite and was in excruciating pain. TIMES TWO.
this week, i was unable to walk the hall from the kitchen to my bedroom after dinner one night. it was a horrible experience. i was embarrassed. i was in shock really. it was as if i forgot how to walk. i could not lift my knees up to take a step so i just held on to my husband and literally scooted my way down the hallway in my slippers, one inch at a time. i had to stop three times to take a break it was so exhausting. meanwhile the tears are just rolling because i am in pain, i am frustrated, i am pissed off because i am once again put in this position of complete invalid. i feel the words at the tip of my tongue… “I AM PISSED OFF AND I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!”, instead i just go lay down… take a few minutes to get it together and then call my son in to watch “grey’s anatomy” together and get my “mommy and me” time in. i cherish this time together like i cherish sleep.
this is when i realize… i am blessed. let me say that again. i. am. blessed. i have this beautiful child. my first-born. he is a miracle child, he was almost lost to me during my pregnancy. he is a fighter, he has been since he was inside my belly. he had to fight to stay alive and he’s kept that attitude ever since. he’s an awesome kid. he’s graduating from high school this year and i must cherish every moment i have with him. so… screw this pain. don’t let this shit take away from my moments with him. i must remember this moment right now, this feeling i have right now. these are the moments to be cherished. you don’t get do-overs in life.
thank you for reading! time is so precious and i appreciate that you take the time to help me as i work through my experiences through my blog. this has helped me tremendously get through the days and nights.