I am participating in the Health Activist Writer’s Month Challenge. Please visit WEGO Health’s blog and the WEGO Facebook page to find other writers tackling the same topics—or sign up for the challenge yourself!

Today’s prompt is “Stream of Consciousness”… pretty scary, I mean seriously, none of you want to get inside of THIS brain! When I normally write a post, I have to think about it and read and re-read it. The thought of just writing something and not stopping is a bit frightening, while at the same time… who knows what may come from my brain at this moment?

Here we go…. I have been in a flare for weeks now… this is sooooo not fun! It feels like it’s getting worse and worse and I’m not sure what to do with myself. I have high hopes with this program at Kaiser. I really want to believe it’s going to turn everything around for me. We will see, I am keeping a very open mind about this.

On another note, the weather keeps going from sunny to grey skies and rain… the crazy changes that keep happening are certainly not helping my mood. I’m in a funk. I can’t figure out how to manage my mental health at the moment. Right now my mind just went blank… so do I just hit the space bar until it starts to work again? I’m not sure how this stream of consciousness thing is supposed to work. I mean the inside of my mind is not somewhere most folks want to travel. It’s pretty foggy in there and on a clear day, it bounces from thought to thought.

I laid down for hours this afternoon to try and feel better… did that work? I’m afraid not. I still feel like shit and add restless anxiety to that formula and here I am… antsy and in excruciating pain. Not a great combination. I can never figure out what to do with myself when I feel like this. I can’t sleep, I can’t walk, I don’t want to watch t.v. I can’t think straight, all my thoughts are all jumbled up (as you can see from this writing experiment). I feel like I’m wasting my life away. I want to be creative and energetic and do things that are going to make my house feel better as well as make myself feel better. Is that possible under these circumstances? I mean, what do people do when their heads are going crazy inside? Is this what it feels like to be in prison? All antsy and can’t do anything about it? Well, I’m sure I can do something about it… but what?

Anxiety with no energy and crazy in pain. This is hell for me. I want to work, but I tried and all I did was sit there trying to figure out what I was supposed to be doing. Worse, how I was supposed to get it done. Stuff that I know how to do when my mind is actually functioning like my somewhat normal self.

I’m not sure I like this … this writing with no boundaries. When can I stop? How about now…