Of All the Pain I Endure… Losing A Loved One… Remembering My Friend Steve…

Of all the pain I endure… the pain that comes from the loss of a loved one outweighs that of any physical pain by any stretch of the imagination. This is yet another piece of my heart that has broken off and flown with outstretched wings around my beautiful friend as he makes his way to heaven.

He may have left us before his time, but I know God has a plan and I have to trust this is best for him. I know he had a strong belief in God and was at peace when he left this physical world. It will just take me some time to get used to it.

I have lost so many people in the last few years, I am almost numb to the news … it’s almost like I am in another place. I hear it, but I don’t. I have to process this. I have to go through this grieving process… again. I am no different from anyone else, everyone loses family and friends.

I will take this time to remember my friend… and I appreciate all of you allowing me to share this with you. He was a special person to me. My friend for the last 24 years…


“Big Steve”


Maybe he didn’t like that name, Big Steve.

Everyone knew him by that… he lived his whole life trying to get smaller.

This man could make you smile just by entering a room,

make you laugh from across the building,

could never listen to a song without whistling or singing.

He lived his life on his own terms… “FUCK IT”

he’d say

about anything he didn’t agree with, I can hear him now.


he’d say

followed by “oh, excuse me”

with that BIG GRIN on his face and that not so subtle laugh.

Because he knew he shouldn’t be cussing like that…

I miss him already.

This man would give his last dollar to you,

but he’d let you know!

And then he’d laugh… and ask you for a smoke…

He lived life on his own terms.

He paid no attention to his surroundings, and don’t tell him about it

he’ll just get LOUDER on you!

“FUCK these people” he’d say

then I’d remind him about the children.

“Sorry, sorry, sorry….”

and we’d just laugh and laugh and laugh!!

Free Spirit

he loved the beach, needed to be by the ocean.

He loved to drive.

San Jose in the morning,

Oaktown in the afternoon,

LA at night.

The man could drive.

Sun Microsystems.

The lunches, the parties, the people.

Steve was the man!


How can anyone forget…

The Van, Oh Lord, The death VAN!!

Cafe Bombay

Noodles in Newark, Thai in Newark, Japanese food in Newark

CHIPS Night Club

The fashion shows

Steve’s Music Video at the Brass Rail

He was a great friend.


Steve and I


Lakers 1st Repeat

Venice Beach Vacations

dancing, so much dancing


many, many, many meals

The Slim Down.

We tried every diet together,

Nutrisystems, Jenny Craig, WW, eDiet.

We did the work out thing together,

the gyms, the walks, the rides, the swims.

I will miss him dearly.

His uplifting talks.

His laughter.

Even his cussing.

Rest in Peace.

Chicken and rice, my friend!

I love you!

Thanks for reading! Stay cool….. and please… leave your comments and feel free to share your own memories of Steve or a loved one with me, I’d love to hear about it!


15 thoughts on “Of All the Pain I Endure… Losing A Loved One… Remembering My Friend Steve…

  1. Tamiko,
    You nailed him, that was so perfectly “Big Steve” and he loved you too, from the first time he met you. It is so good to read your tribute, you just made all of us who love him and miss him know we are not alone.

    Thank you

  2. Hi Sister “T”,

    Your Words really really captured Brother Steve done
    to the T. We all had many good memories with our Brother!!
    What I admired about Brother Steve is that he was never
    afraid of trying something regardless of his physical size.
    I remember going fishing with Steve and a bunch of Brothers
    down past Half Moon Bay. We had to climb down a fairly steep
    rocky slope to cast our lines from a rocky cliff. It was tricky
    getting down there and a bit challenging coming back up. The challenge did not deter my Brother. Oh I have to reveal this, I
    remember spending a night at Steve’s place off of Berryessa
    and asking for a pillow and blanket, the Brother said he did not
    have one and threw me a sheet and I slept on the floor in
    his living room, My Bother Steve!! And yes we did ride
    on mopeds in Hawaii … That moped was working hard and
    we did have fun.

    I will miss my Brother Steve


  3. Tamiko and others,

    As I sit and reflect on the love I have for Steve after the memorial service we just had for him in Atlanta, my heart is full of many things as it relates to my cousin who was often larger than life as he was my oldest cousin and I was the youngest…but only 7 years apart. His love for life and belief in a dream and the act of dreaming was infectious. I am so happy that you added to my memories by sharing the neat and cool things you experienced as friends.

    God bless and I hope to meet you each of you when we come to California in the spring.


  4. Thank you Tamiko,
    I almost forgot how much he loved you. When you got married I was there. His 1st cousin from Atlanta. But I will always call him my big brother. you really captured his spirit.

    He talked about you all the time. You guys at Sun Micro Systems. He was your guardian angel. You would think heavens floors had cracks and some how an Angel fell back to earth only to be named Tamiko.

    He was with family in his last days. He missed the ocean. He ask that we cremate him and sprinkle his ashes in the bay. My family and I plan to do that next spring break.

    Thank you for all the love. He was an Awesome Dude that will surely be missed by many. Most of all Tamiko and I.

  5. “At the end of the day, I know I need to put my worries at God’s door.”

    How beautiful, and true. Tonight is a night when I sure need to do that.

    Yes, Sonny needed me to be strong Tamiko. But I’m afraid I was weak in the end. I regret this very deeply. I wish I could go back you know. I’d try harder to be there for him during the last year of his life. I was recovering and paralyzed with depression after that relationship I had.

    Sonny sure did love me and I hope he knows I loved him.

    Thanks for this post. It helps to talk about these feelings.

    Peace to you.

    In friendship,


  6. Hi Tamiko,
    I’m so sorry to hear of your friend’s loss. I too lost a friend, and your post has made his memory come straight into my heart and mind.
    Thank you for sharing this post. I needed to feel this, I guess. Grieving takes time doesn’t it. One day I’m happy for him that he isn’t suffering anymore and the next I cry.
    My friend’s name was Sonny. He was like a father. He lost his last son, after losing two and their mother before, about two years ago. I too feel lots of loss.
    What an absolutely wonderful tribute to Big Steve. He sounds like a great friend for you to have had and a fun person.

    In sympathy,


    • Hi Michelle –

      I have been reading your posts and I am so sorry for your loss as well… Grieving certainly does take time, and with our conditions it makes our days longer and our pain more difficult to bear at times. I have had a huge flare up, but I am remembering the happy times and his smile/ laughter keeps me going.

      At the end of the day, I know I need to put my worries at God’s door.

      Your comments mean so much to me. Thank you for taking the time to stop by.

      Sonny sounds like he went through so much grieving himself… I can’t imagine, even a little bit, what he must have went through. He was blessed to have you as a friend and daughter, he must have really needed you to be so very strong. Relationships like this are so unique. You have a wonderful angel looking over you now!

      Big hug to you.

  7. Big Steve, I remember when he, I, and Mr Wesley went to Hawaii a long time ago, hanging on the beach, watching big Steve and Ant ride those mopeds while I drove a convertable mustang…LOL

    I also remember those two walking the streets while I relaxed by the Burger king, police kept me up to date on where there were and let them know I never moved, just running my mouth with all the strangers I met. That was fun

    It has been a while since I saw him but asked Ant every time we talked, hows big Steve

    • Hi Donald!

      Long time… :) Thanks for the memories… He certainly loved the beach, didn’t he?? :)

      Take care.

  8. Dang . . . I didn’t hear . . . I remember Steve — what a blessing your time with him . . . I regret losing touch with all my Sun/TAS folks . . . we should remedy that by getting together sometime in the near future.

    May the Lord keep you strong with the loss of your loving friend.


  9. Wow, T, your tribute really captured the essence of Steve. I’m going to miss his smile and his laughter. I’ll never forget our Newark luncheons and how much he loved that chicken!

    Thanks for sharing.

    BIG hugs.

    – B

  10. wat a sweet tribute to ur friend. made me cry for sure. i’m sorry 4 ur loss. u have ur own cursing guardian angel now tho! ;) rip big steve…xoxoxo

    • Thank you so much Tammy!! Very kind of you to leave me such a sweet comment… hope you are feeling well.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s