What the hell is going on?!! I ask myself this every day. It’s a question that has a bullshit answer. You know exactly what I mean… you’ve been here. I’ll tell you what happened. July 5th I went into a flare. Since that day my pain levels, fibro crap and depression have gotten worse with each day. I haven’t been in a flare like this for years. This shit makes me angry. I thought these days were behind me. I mean, seriously… years have gone by… YEARS!! (do you hear me yelling?)… years without this kind of flare. I’m back to shuffling around the house like Tim Conway in the Carol Burnett show (for those of you older folks that remember). I feel like I’m falling in slow motion and can’t grab anything to stop the fall.
I know you know what I’m talking about because we all go through it. The frustration, the anger, the exhaustion, the anxiety, the depression… and so on… and so on… It’s bullshit. You know the funnest part this time? Soooooo apparently my eyes have decided they are tired. In the last week I have taken all my glasses from the last 5 years or so, laid them on the table and tried each one of them on to try and find a prescription that will work for the day. Each day is different… of COURSE each day is different. I think it’s a conspiracy…
Left eye: “Hey Righty! Over here, over here! Yeah… Soooo, I’m tired of these glasses. What do ya say we force the issue?”
Right eye: “You know Lefty, that’s just not right… she has enough going on.”
Left eye: “Seriously, we have to wear the same thing every day! Aren’t you tired of this old frame?”
Right eye: “Hmmmmm, now that you mention it… I could use a new look. Maybe that will lift my spirits a bit… yeah, let’s do it!”
Left eye: “Okay, here’s the plan. Let’s get blurry! Ready? Set? GO!”
So my vision is blurred, everything seems slightly out of focus no matter which pair of glasses I sport. The crazy thing is… I know even when (because it’s just a matter of time), even when I get new glasses, within 6 – 9 months, the cycle starts over. These eyes of mine… I can’t complain, I am blessed to have the ability to see.
I know that, for the most part, I try to be upbeat in my posts… I’ll get there, I just need a minute (start counting the seconds… one, two, three…) It’s been a rough few months. Although this flare has been the worst of it, I have been struggling. I have been trying to figure out the best course of action to take next. I had actually started to believe that maybe… just maybe I would push the spine surgery. As soon as the thoughts started to become real, this flare came on. It’s almost as if my body is screaming out that I should have this surgery. So, I scheduled it. I’m pushing forward. I’m having the surgery… Next week another MRI (ugh) and Botox shots in my neck (to suppress the tremor) and then starts the mental preparation for the surgery in September. I tried a couple meds to help the tremor (long-term) and both of them made my depression worse. Lord have mercy, that’s all we need (I say “we”…. meaning myself and all those who have to live with me!). So, I’m off the meds… in fact I took myself off everything except my anti-depressant and the OTC supplements. Well… I think my sixty seconds are up… consider the whining over.
Let me share with you the awesome stuff that has happened since my last post.
- The MOST awesome? My son graduated from UC Santa Barbara. The graduation was wonderful and I couldn’t be prouder of him. He’s overcome a lot to get to this point in his life. If you’ve been following me for a while, you’ve been there through his high school year graduation and now this momentous occasion. It’s amazing. One of the proudest moments in my life as a parent. We have had some of the best conversations in the last six months. This child is no longer a child. He has definitely grown into this awesome, amazing, smart (so damn smart!), caring, loving, beautiful man. It was a blessing that I was physically able to go to his graduation and get through this amazing weekend with family and friends. And the best part? My son is home for good and we are all together as a family again.
- Both my kids are working! The super cool thing about this is they are both working at the same job. My son a leader and my daughter a junior staff. I watch them come home from work and smile. The stories they tell of what happened during their work day… well it reminds me of when I started working and how proud I was to contribute and do a good job. If I have done anything right in my life, My husband and I raised our children to be better than us. They are further ahead of where we were at their age. We can’t take all the credit, it has honestly taken a village of the most loving and caring friends and family.
- My parents celebrated their 56th wedding anniversary a few weeks ago. It’s a beautiful thing. I can only pray my husband and I make it there. This year we celebrate our 20th… and although we celebrate 20 years of marriage, we are really celebrating almost 30 years being together. I’m old… and with age comes wisdom, right? Maybe, but I’m probably more old than wise. :)
So, although I am struggling with my health… there are so many beautiful things to feel good about. Perspective. It’s always about keeping things in perspective. I have both parents, my extended family and so many friends that I consider as my family around to raise me up, make me laugh, talk me through the tough times and step in when I need the help.
I hope and pray that you have a support system to help you get through the rough times. Thanks for hanging in there with me through the good and bad. It’s because of your support I know I’m not alone.
Gentle hugz (especially today! :)