Fibromyalgia at Fifty!

50… wow. I can’t believe that I am 50. I can’t believe how quickly the last 50 years have gone by. Damn! I have to make my life better. I realized lately that I spend a lot of time living for another day or another moment. On Sunday, my mind is stressing about having to start work Monday morning. During the week… “Lord have mercy, when will this week be over.”. On Thursday, I’m thinking… Just one more day…”. There’s a lot of, “I can’t wait until… XYZ“. When that moment or day arrives, my mind has already moved on. I really envy people who can just live for the moment. I want to train my brain to enjoy the now. In order to do that I have to somehow shut my brain off. It’s constantly processing… whether it’s curiosity about something going on 5 feet from me or thinking about a project at work or what will I do when I retire or what are my kids doing right now or what should I eat… I mean seriously. I could have kept typing until my fingers got numb because my mind started going 100 mph just thinking about what I think about!! Oh man, you have really entered into my world… Danger! Danger! Warning! Get out as fast as you can!! Once you enter this crazy ass place, I’m not sure if there’s a way out. At least I haven’t found a way out yet.

I keep looking at myself and thinking, when am I going to grow up? I have so much growing to do mentally… although I am pretty confident I way overachieved on the growing physically so maybe that’s why my mental side is so far behind. I used to be so independent and able. With all this medical bullshit, I have lost my way. The last few months have been really hard for me. Sidebar, how many times do I say that? I feel like I say that all the time… “The last few months have been really hard for me.” It’s as if I want to believe that it really has only been the last few months, when in fact it’s been so flippin’ long I can’t remember what feeling good feels like. If you ask me how I’m doing, I will give you the standard, “I’m good” or “I’m alright” or “I’m fine”. I’m not. I’m not any of those things, I’m feeling like shit… a lot… end of sidebar. Anyway, I have not only lost my way in general, I also got completely caught up with that sidebar. (I did warn you in the first paragraph that my brain was a scary place.)

Well… maybe I should start taking my own advice. OUCH! Damn! That really hurts to say that. I mean, I’m great at giving advice, but taking it? Crazy talk. I recently advised my daughter what she should do to sleep better. On another day I advised her on keeping a food journal so she can get a picture of what she’s putting into her body. I am always telling her what she should do when she’s stressed or angry… do I do any of those things? Welllllllll, I definitely do some of them, but for the most part… Not really. It’s hard! It’s really hard to make healthy choices. This is a typical conversation I have with myself…

Smart brain: “You should exercise today.

Emotional Me: “Hmmmmmm, I am in a lot of pain, I’m thinking maybe later… how about some coffee?

Smart brain: “Caffeine is not good for you and that shit you put in it to make it taste good is really not good for you.” (although the word good shows up a lot in that sentence, we all know there’s nothing good about this train of thought)

Emotional Me: “Just this once… last time, seriously, this will be the last time. I really want to be healthy” (followed by a cup of coffee and a carb)

A couple of hours later…Emotional Me, “I’m hungry.” (followed by me standing in front of the open refrigerator or cupboard)

Smart brain: “You should eat something healthyand before you pick something to eat… take a moment to answer this question, are you hungry or are you bored?

Emotional Me: “Screw you, I deserve to eat whatever I want.”

It’s basically all downhill from there. Sentences that start with “I deserve… ” come up a lot in my mind when it comes to food. Well, trust me, I have “DESERVED” (she says with a very sarcastic tone) a whole lot because as I said earlier, I way overachieved on the physical side of growing up! I need to come up with a better reward system in my mind. (Preferably one that doesn’t involve spending money or else I just open myself up to a different problem!)

I am a pre-diabetic 50-year-old woman with Fibromyalgia, Depression, ADD, Essential Tremor, GERD, Anxiety, IBS… shit I’m stopping there, that’s enough disclosure for one blog post. Why was I saying that? Oh yeah, I said all that because with all that going on, if today is not a good day to start getting healthy, what will it take? Do I really want to go to the doctor and be told I am diabetic? No.. no I don’t.  I definitely don’t want to hear that come out of my doctor’s mouth. I think I have heard her say enough already.

Today… right now, this very moment. This needs to be the moment I start taking better care of myself. I have a goal of 5,000 steps a day. (Don’t judge, I barely hit that once a week.) How about if I challenge myself to hit that 3 x a week? It’s not much, but it’s a good start. I actually went the entire month of April without any desserts/ sweets… then May hit and let’s just say, I didn’t just fall off the wagon, I think I fell off and have been getting dragged behind it for weeks. I’m telling you… as I write this, right this second, my emotional side has already started the fight. It’s telling me to go cut a slice of that chocolate cake in the fridge and eat it… it’s basically screaming at me to go do it. Bitch. Why do I have chocolate cake in my fridge you say? Because the other night I craved it so bad, my husband went out and surprised me with it. I will overcome that stupid Emotional Me and make better choices. I should not let my emotions influence my decisions. It never ends well when I do that.

I will choose to eat healthier. I will choose to move more during the day. I will choose to live in the moment and not worry about tomorrow. I will have faith that tomorrow will work itself out. I’m not in control of it anyway. I will think positive  thoughts. I will meditate to calm my brain. I will believe in myself. I will be healthy. I have to believe that with hard work the outcome will be less pain, less depression, less digestive issues.

My moment starts right now. I can do this. And now that I’ve said it out loud (or written it for all to see), I hope I can come back with some results in a future post.

Before I go, I want to say a huge thanks to Healthline for including me in the Best Fibromyalgia Blogs of the Year for the 6th year in a row!! It’s an amazing honor to receive this recognition. Take a moment to go check out the other blogs on the list.

Thank you so much for stopping by today. I wish you a pain-free day and feel free to join me in this quest for better health.

Gentle hugz.

Tamiko

PS. My girlfriend gave me a beautiful bouquet of flowers for my birthday. In the bouquet were these ginormous peonies. When these flowers start to open up and bloom, you really have to pay attention because it all happens in a day or two and once the flower opens up, the period of time to enjoy it is very short. This is what I mean by living in the moment. I put the bouquet right next to my desk so I could enjoy the beauty of these amazing flowers. Now you can enjoy them too!

Start a Conversation Today!!

Can you believe it’s almost May? Time just continues to zoom by … there are moments when I want to implement some kind of slo-mo magic in my life and then there are the moments where I would love to hit the fast forward. The last few weeks have been terribly painful. When I start to feel like this vice of pain is getting released, another flippin’ flare hits me. Yesterday was particularly fun… every time I took a breath this intense pain just pulsated through the right side of my back. I woke up this morning and it was all gone. Don’t get me wrong, I was very happy that that shit was gone, but seriously… it confuses me when the intensity is so high. I actually start to think something else might be wrong… and then I am reminded when I wake up that it’s just Fibromyalgia.

Almost a month ago I had this really wonderful experience. I was requested to participate in a film focused on invisible and chronic illnesses. The audience for this film is all of us living with the illnesses, but it is also for those people who love and support us everyday. The creators of this documentary, Ron and Tasra, have done a beautiful job portraying our journey in a creative and honest way. The work they are doing is so important. It validates that we are not alone. When I viewed the short video that Ron and Tasra shared to give me an idea of what they are creating, I was at a low point in the day. I was laying down in the midst of yet another flare when I read their email… I clicked on the video expecting to watch a bit and turn it off (I have about a 30 second attention span), but I not only watched the entire five minutes (I know… it sounds crazy even when I write it… as if it was five hours, not five minutes)… anyway, I was hooked. I responded right then. Which, let’s be honest… that’s also not my usual M.O. I am horrible at reading emails and even worse at responding (This is me apologizing right now to those of you I have yet to respond to). A memory was in the making. Ron happened to be coming to my city (coincidence? I like to think of it as a blessing from above) and both my children and my husband were available on the date we agreed (triple blessings!). Unbelievable.

I had no idea what to expect. I was nervous and excited at the same time. Ron arrived, set up and we started talking… and talking… and as we talked I was amazed at what I was hearing from my family. This experience brought us closer and helped us to better understand the impact my illnesses have had on each one of us. At my very worst, my son was in his early teens. I realized how hard that was for him. I missed a lot of important events because I just couldn’t walk. I remembered when he was talking that I lived in my bedroom… in the dark. I was so out of it I could barely function as a person, much less a mom.

I know when I’m in a really bad flare or fallen into the black hole of depression I am hard to live with. My frustration and exhaustion get the better of me and there are times when I just feel like giving up. Those are the times when I just retreat into my bedroom, close the blinds and shut the world out. The times when I miss important events, when I let my family down. Meeting expectations can be hard when I’m feeling slight pain… when I’m at my worst, it’s almost impossible. I realized that during the worst months and years, I had (and continue to have) a very unrealistic expectation that my family knew how bad things were for me. At the same time, I acknowledge that my family had a valid expectation that I would be present for them no matter what. While the kids and my husband answered Ron’s questions, there were moments in the conversation that made me pretty emotional. I felt a loss… I was reminded of how much I wasn’t present (both mentally and physically) over the years… but as hard as it was to hear some of the responses… the emotion I felt the strongest? BLESSED. Blessed that we could all sit down together and be honest. I realized how forgiving they are and how, when my journey was decided, God gave me the best gift in the world… my family. I was reminded how far I have come since the days when I could barely move around and the doctors just thought I was crazy. I believe had we not all had prior commitments that afternoon, we could have talked for hours. It sparked an important conversation for us. So, for me, I am very thankful to Ron and Tasra for initiating the conversation.

 

InvisibleIllnessFilm.com

https://invisibleillnessfilm.com/

I tried to make this image a link to their site… but that didn’t really work out… so don’t try clicking on it… it will only lead to frustration.

Watch the video and if you take away nothing else, sit down with your family and have a conversation. What do they remember about you before the shit hit the fan? How has it affected them? What can you all do to improve your communication? your lives? I admit, I completely blanked on the technical, “What is Fibromyalgia” question Ron asked… like really blanked… but for me it doesn’t even matter. This documentary is not about learning what the illnesses are the individuals have.. it’s about hearing how people are living life regardless of the illnesses… it’s about validation.

Thank you for taking the time to visit my blog today. Have a blessed and pain free day!

Gentle hugz.

Tamiko

Where Do You Go for Inspiration?

Warning! You may be tired of the word “inspire” by the time you get to the end of this post…

There is a lot of bad, uncomfortable, messed up shit going on out there in the world. Current events sometimes make it hard to see the good in people and looking into the future can be pretty scary.

Finding inspiration is not easy… but for me these days I don’t have to look far.

My son moved into his own place and let me tell you… his spot in no way compares to the 450 sq foot studio that was my first apartment (and I’m not counting my actual first place away from home). His first weekend out, we all went over to Ikea and I watched him pick out and buy furniture for the first time… and then? I watched as he and my husband put it together. For those of you that have gone through this, you know watching a father and son work together like this is a memory I won’t soon forget. For all the years that we battled while he was growing up… to get to the point where we are now…WOW! I can remember in those early years wondering what our relationship would be like once he became an adult… He is the most intuitive, forgiving, selfless person I have ever met. The decisions and changes he has made since he graduated from college… inspiring.

My daughter has had one heck of a freshman year. Through the challenges and experiences she has had over the last 5 months, she inspires me with her resilience. It can’t be easy being so far away from home, and although she has made a lot of great friends, it’s not the same as being at home with her lifelong besties. Yet she does what she has to, to be successful. And she has been rewarded for her hard work with some amazing opportunities.

I know I say it a lot, but even if I said it every day… shouted from the mountain tops… it would never be enough…  I AM BLESSED TO HAVE THIS AWESOME FAMILY AND FRIENDS!!!. They inspire me all the time. My mom is dealing with health issues that are much more taxing than what I go through every day, yet she makes it work… and her life story alone inspires me. I know we are supposed to raise our children to be better than we are… but it will take me a lifetime to be better than her. I guess that’s the point…

My dad has decided to share his story in the Japanese internment camps by going and speaking at churches, schools and local events. He’s the last of a generation that is living to tell this story. The people who have come to his presentations will walk away learning about something that we never want to see again.

I have watched my parents make a difference in so many people’s lives over the years, I can remember moments growing up when I was jealous of how generous they were of their time with other people. Yet they taught me to be just like them… and it’s one of the things I am most proud of. So inspiring!

My friends who have overcome the deepest, most incredibly sad losses in their lives. They amaze me with how they managed to carry on. It wasn’t easy, but their ability to work through the pain to become stronger individuals is so inspiring to me.

My husband who every day takes care of me. He inspires me to keep going. He teaches me how important it is to live life and not just let it pass by. He pushes me to be creative and works damn hard so I don’t go down that black hole of depression… You know as well as I do that sometimes nothing can stop the spiraling, but the fact that he tries means so much to me.

I could go on and on. Just sitting here writing this makes me see, once again, how blessed I am. What inspires you? I will bet that if you just sit right where you are and take a moment to think about the people around you today or those that have crossed paths in your life, you will feel just as inspired as I do.

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Yachats, OR… if you look close at this photo, with a little bit of positivity, you can see a heart in the ground!

I had someone tell me the other day how inspired they were by my ability to work through my pain. She wasn’t feeling well herself and she found herself thinking about what I must go through and it seemed to give her the strength to keep working. She has no idea what her words meant to me. For those of you with chronic pain, you know it’s rare for people to recognize how difficult our lives can be. Just the recognition and understanding for how challenging it is every day… that was inspiring to me!

I have been meaning to blog for the past few weeks. It’s important to stay positive and keep moving forward. With every reason to be negative and down these days, I need to remember the good. I hope this lifted your spirits a bit.

Be inspired! Best wishes for a pain-free day.

Gentle hugz.

Tamiko

Amazing… MyFoggyBrain and The Mighty’s eBook

I still cannot believe people want to hear my voice… or rather read my thoughts I should say… and to get asked if I want to contribute to a book, magazine or guest post on someone else’s blog? Well that is beyond my ability to comprehend. It’s amazing is what it is. I started this blog years ago when I was at my lowest point. When Fibromyalgia was not on commercials for pain meds… when it took many years to get a diagnosis – while during that time I thought I was crazy. As far and awesome as the knowledge and acceptance of Fibromyalgia has come, there’s still a long ways to go. I look forward to the day I go to a doctor with an issue and I don’t get the standard, “I’m sure this is because of your Fibromyalgia.“. How crazy is this? It took years… YEARS… to get the diagnosis after seeing a crapload of doctors. It took years for my own primary care physician to finally acknowledge/ say the word “Fibromyalgia” during a visit… and now every time I go in, it’s the first and pretty much only thing I get as a result of whatever the hell is going on with me. And like all of you out there with chronic pain, IBS, depression, anxiety… I could go on and on… you NEVER (as in NEVER EVER EVER EVER!) call a doctor much less schedule an appointment with a doctor unless you have been experiencing an issue for a long time and that little voice (or big voice if your husband/ family member is involved) tells you it’s time to see a doctor. And I’m sure you often get the same result as me… nothing but frustration. So! As I was saying, I look forward to the day the doctor looks deeper and doesn’t just see Fibromyalgia, but sees me and the potential for other issues or even just spends more time understanding what’s going on and makes me feel like I’m being heard. I don’t want my doctor to feel sorry for me, I want my doctor to work with me. I believe those of us who live this life know a lot, research how to manage living with chronic illnesses, go into the doctor’s office with almost more knowledge than the doctor. That’s how it is for me. I hold out hope that one day soon things will change.

Wow, I totally did not intend to go into that rant. Every time I think about my journey as it relates to the medical world, there’s a definite level of frustration. Don’t get me wrong, I have had some super awesome doctors and counselors through Kaiser’s pain program. But there are only a few of those in comparison to the vast majority.

Back to the reason why I started this post… you all know how easily distracted I get so thank you for bearing with me! Anyway… In the last week The Mighty’s Real People, Real Stories: Fibromyalgia E-Book was released. It was an honor to contribute one of my past blog posts to this book. I hope you take the opportunity to check out the book and read through the many stories.

Everyone has their own story to tell based on the journey they have been on. Don’t ever hesitate to start your own blog, write your own story – focus on the things that make your life worth living. We have our good and bad days, but I believe it’s important that we uplift each other out of that black hole we can so easily drop down in. That’s become my purpose with this blog… I may vent and feel like crap, but at the end of the day it’s important to find something good to say. I have to try to find something in my day that’s positive! You do the same.

Thanks for dropping by. Please feel free to shoot me an email or leave a comment. I love to hear from you!

Gentle hugz,

Tamiko

BTW… my new obsession is bullet journals. I can’t wait to share my experience and how much I am loving it! Stay tuned…

The View From My Room

I can’t believe it… it’s really been since May that I wrote my last post. Hmmmm…. Well, there goes another goal for the year that I’ll miss! Although I must say, I actually have a good reason behind all this. Since my last post it’s been non-stop crazy… whether we are getting ready for graduation or preparing for college, this weekend is the first time I really feel like I have been able to sit back and relax.

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View from her dorm room!

Where has the time gone? First we had high school graduation and all the stuff that goes along with it. Except this time, with my new found sewing skills… I decided to make laundry bags and book bags and towel wraps for Kiyomi and her friends for college. It was a lot of fun, don’t get me wrong – but also a lot of work with defined dates everything had to be done by! The best part of all this was the time spent with friends while sewing. It was a learning experience, but one filled with laughter, great conversation and, of course, good food! The end result was I learned a lot and had some nice hand made gifts for some wonderful kids.

The college preparation experience entailed finding the perfect comfortor set (which took many, many weeks), the rain boots we promised her if she decided to go to Eugene… and all sorts of required dorm decorations, clothes, etc. We atttended orientation… or IntroDucktion as they call it at the University of Oregon… a great experience, but really brought home how much closer we were getting to her leaving… and then over the summer as her friends were leaving (or preparing for leaving) for school – each day and night became “the last XXX…” get together. So we saw her less than any other time of her life. I think I started missing her  the day she graduated.

img_6043All this to get to this weekend. We drove up on Tuesday and moved her into her dorm room on Wednesday. The move-in process was more work than I thought it would be… it wasn’t bad, just took a lot out of me. Times like this always remind me of all the crap I have. The pain, the digestive issues, the mental bullshit… it all just hits me at once. I go into these events thinking… “I got this!!” and halfway through my pain starts rearing its ugly head. I told my husband my body was basically saying, “what the hell do you think YOU’RE doing??”… and then proceeded to remind me whose boss – and apparently it’s not my desire to get shit done that’s boss. Although I did fight it for many hours before finally giving in.

We had lunch on Thursday, she jumped out of the car and Ray and I drove over to the coast. We are staying in the most awesome hotel (the Fireside Motel in Yachats). We have an oceanfront room (something we have never done before) and have just stayed in the room all day watching the waves or listening to the waves while we read/ write. It’s a little slice of heaven. I had no idea how exhausted I was until we got here and sat down to watch the sunset. We had all these plans to sightsee… and then… we both decided to just do nothing. We have gone out for some yummy dinners – but stayed in our room and just had snacks during the day. I am having the time of my life!

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View from our room!

What have I learned? Okay i didn’t “learn” this… I was reminded (very loudly) to listen to my body. In times like this, how about if I don’t self sabotage and eat all bad shit… treat my body with respect. I feel like I was on a mission to spiral down in anticipation of letting Kiyomi go. Stupid.

It’s a privilege to be healthy enough to travel to this place. We drove up to our room and walked the 15 feet from the car through our room to the outside deck. The first thought that came to mind was… “This place is perfect for my mom!!”, but she isn’t feeling well enough to travel like this anymore. I need to be on a mission to feel good! I’m on my way… this place we are staying at, the sound of the ocean, surrounded by this beauty – it’s time to move to the next phase in our lives. Healthy is a good place to be and it’s my new goal!! I should go for a walk on the beach now… hmmmmm… maybe in an hour. One step at a time. :)

Thanks for stopping by!

Tamiko

Happy Fibromyalgia Awareness Day!

Today is Fibromyalgia Awareness Day. For me, it’s a reminder of how far I have come since I was diagnosed. From that day (let’s call it D-Day) many years ago to today the amount of resources and information available at your fingertips is infinitely better. I remember going to the bookstore every month or two and literally purchasing every book there was available on Fibromyalgia… I couldn’t get enough information. These days I am not such a voracious reader of the subject. I just live my life to the best of my ability… it’s a part of me. I realize I will have this for the rest of my life and for the most part I have accepted it.

There have been days (like yesterday) where I get so frustrated I want to walk away from this life and just keep walking into the sunset never to return. Seriously?? How far would I get? After about 1000 steps I’d have to call someone to come pick me up and ask them to drive me into the sunset… which defeats the purpose… and takes away all the dramatic effect. But you get it. It’s like Day 90 of feeling like shit every other day.

Disney-Pixar-Inside-OutHmmmmm… could it be the stress? There is a lot of that to go around. I know what I should (and shouldn’t) be doing. I have all the information and tools at my fingertips but I am struggling with the motivation. I have no energy… did you see that movie Inside Out? Sadness has taken over… Anger and Fear are fighting to take over. Where the hell is Joy?? She needs to find her strength and come out of hiding.

There’s so much going on in my head all the time I can’t remember having a moment of quiet. I know part of my frustration these day is the constant high pitch tone that never goes away. I lie down at night and there it is. I wake up in the morning and it’s like “Good MornEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE…” and it never gets to the ‘NG’.  I’m like, JUST FINISH THE DAMN WORD! How hard is it? Good MornING, say it with me… GOOD MORN-ING!!! And then I realize I am yelling at myself… in my head… and I have only just woke up. Wow. And for a few moments Disgust walks in and just shakes her head. But this high pitch sound… it’s stuck, like a needle skipping on a record player (remember those? God I miss my old stereo with a record player and tape deck!). If I could just pick up the damn needle and stop the madness… andddddd let’s give a warm welcome to the latest diagnosis to join my life… Tinnitus!! (I really tried to slam the door in the face of this most recent guest, but Tinnitus just planted themselves on the doorstep and wouldn’t leave… RUDE!)

When I got out of bed this morning… that’s the other thing, when did 5am become my normal wake up time? Geez how easily am I distracted this morning!! Anyway… when I got out of bed this morning I thought about how it’s Fibromyalgia Awareness Day and I thought it’d be a great day to remind folks of the Tools and Resources out there. There are a lot and I quite honestly haven’t searched for new sites lately… but here’s a reminder to check out what I have found and feel free to share what your favorites are. I also have some tools that I have created that you are welcome to use:

It is a day of celebration! Fibromyalgia can be overcome… it’s frustrating and obviously very painful, but it’s not a death sentence. Do better than me! Eat right, exercise your body and mind and most important… laugh, smile… find your blessings throughout your day and be grateful. Today I am grateful that the medical field is more accepting that Fibromyalgia should be treated by a medical doctor, not a psychiatrist. It’s not in your head people, this is real. I am grateful for my family, my friends and the wonderful weather. I am grateful for those of you that have taken the time to read my post today.

I wish you all a pain free day. Be blessed!

Gentle hug,

Tamiko

Be Blessed… Accepting Your Limitations

Soooooooo…. another doctor’s appointment come and gone and once again I left the office with no answers. Today I went to the audiologist to see if there was any reason why I have this constant high pitch tone flowing through my head 24×7. OF COURSE I waited many, many months before going in… and OF COURSE I left with the same answers I have 90% of the time I go into the doctor’s office… and that is OF COURSE — NO ANSWERS!! Oh wait, I did get one answer… a referral back to my PCP. Woohoo!! Well, let me find the positive in this. I do not have any loss of hearing. And trust me, no sarcasm… I do appreciate that something is working the way it is supposed to! There’s a positive for every negative, right?

What a time in our lives… our daughter is graduating from high school in about six weeks. Damn. SIX WEEKS!! (I have no idea why I am using so many caps, I’m really not trying to yell at you.) I forget how much is involved with these graduations. We are in the process of selecting a college. When I say “we”, I actually mean “she” with a little help from us. She just had her senior prom… she’s planning a senior trip… we are planning her graduation party… senior pictures… college commitment/ housing/ budgeting… CALGONNNNNNNNNNNNNNN take me AWAYYYYYY!!!!!! (only those of you that are on the older side will remember that commercial… here’s a link for your viewing pleasure.)

IMG_4270It’s times like this when I tend to forget I am not physically able to do it all. For every one busy day, I tend to have two days where I’m down. Lately it’s been a lot more down days, than able days. We drove up to Eugene, OR to check out the University of Oregon. An amazing campus. The drive up was very nice, but sitting in the car is not easy for long periods of time. We knew it was going to be tough so we made several stops along the way… we took our time. Accepting my limitations in this instance made all the difference. When we arrived in Eugene, I was doing okay. Whew! The next day, however, was a bit trickier. We had scheduled a tour of the campus for 10:00am. We arrived early so we wouldn’t be stressed out, again planning in advance… what we couldn’t plan for was how fast the walking tour was. This tour guide was very enthusiastic. To make things even more challenging it was very cold outside. So just picture a very brisk walk for 90 minutes in and out of buildings, up and down stairs and in the cold… This is where I tend to not speak up. I don’t want to be a burden or slow a group down so I stayed the course and I made it through. I was really proud that I made it. The rest of that day IMG_9659and the next morning… MAN DOWNNNN!!!! What can I say? I did my best and we actually accomplished everything we wanted to. We just did it in our own time and tried not to stress. We made it home and I was able to rest up for a couple days before going back to work today.

I know there’s a lot coming in the next couple months. I just have to keep reminding myself that it’s okay to ask for help and it’s okay if everything is not 100% perfect. It will be the best we have to offer and as far as everyone is concerned it will still be great! The thing is… it’s not about me. It’s so easy sometimes to just get all engrossed in how crappy I feel, I have to remind myself that it really is NOT about me 99% of the time. It helps to remember that although I am in pain and struggling with depression/anxiety… it could always be worse. Like I could be losing my hearing!

It really has been a rough year. I have struggled with my depression/anxiety a lot this year. For one reason or another, my flares are closer and closer together and they seem to last longer. I know I can do better with taking care of myself, but as you all know, it’s damn frustrating living like this. To have a week without any kind of pain would be amazing. To be able to take time off work for vacation and not be sick… what a concept!

Listen, I realize each day is a challenge living with Fibromyalgia and Depression and Anxiety and Essential Tremor and GERD and ADD and… oh wait, sorry, lost my train of thought. Anyway! I realize every day is a challenge living with all the crap we live with, but we just have to remind ourselves to accept our limitations and remind ourselves of the blessings we have each day.

Which leads me to … I am still journaling every day! I haven’t missed a day without snapping a picture or journaling. There have been a few days where I have just put a picture because I was too sick to do any more than that… but I have kept up the practice of journaling every day! Find something that helps you think about the positive in your life. As I look back through the pictures I have snapped since the first of the year, I can’t help but smile.

Thank you so much for stopping by and please have a blessed day!

Gently hugz…

Tamiko