I really try hard not to curse… especially when I blog. But for goodness sake the shit that has been going on in my body has been uncool. I mean I understand what I have… I get that pain is a part of my life… FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE (and I’m not yelling at you, just yelling in general). My level of frustration is pretty damn high right now… can you tell?
There’s a lot going on… many stressful events surround me and I’m trying to take it one day a a time. My best friend at the moment goes by the name of Self Sabotage. Are you familiar with her? She’s a real bitch. She follows me around all the time and she’s super bossy! I try to get away from her, but one way or another she’s always creeping up on me. Needless to say, she’s standing in between me and my well being. I tried to kick her ass out of my life a couple times, but she always catches me when I’m down and for reasons I don’t really understand she lifts me up just enough to make it look like she’s helping (for example when I ate that big ice cream bar the other day). Even as I write this I can feel her sitting right beside me… ugh.
I took a couple days off over Labor Day weekend so I could have a nice 5 day break from work. Guess what I did the entire time? Yup, you guessed it… nothing. I will honestly say I don’t think I have experienced that level of pain in years. From the Friday I took off until the Tuesday I attempted to go back to work, I could barely get from the couch to the bathroom…. my husband reminded me that every time I take one of these long weekends to relax, my body decides otherwise.
It’s exhausting. I am exhausted. I can feel myself slipping down that f’d up black hole and I’m clawing at the edges to not fall in. Normally I don’t want to write when I’m feeling this way, but today I felt like it would help. As I sit here and think about what’s going on in the world… honestly? I am one person in a world of wars, hurricanes, earthquakes, racism, ignorance, intolerance…. the list of horrible, tragic shit is endless. When I put my life into perspective I realize that what I have is absolutely fucking awesome. Way to turn it around, huh? I have to tell you… sometimes it takes stopping my life, sitting at my desk and writing to stop feeling sorry for myself and be thankful. That really just happened, I sat down not feeling very grateful and after thinking about it I realized how wrong I am.
I have to interrupt this blog and tell you… I am definitely being tested, as I am sitting here I’m hearing this drip drip drip from across the room and I’m thinking it’s the humidifier doing it’s thing… it’s definitely doing it’s thing. I got up to take a look and it basically drained all over my dresser… a full tank of water. I’m being tested.
Anyway! I could definitely fall down that black hole with all the crap going on in my life but at the end of the day I still have my family. I have my friends and we have a roof over our heads which is a lot more than a lot of people right now. I AM BLESSED (I’m still not yelling at you, but I’d love to be on top of a mountain yelling this at the top of my lungs)!!
I am in pain… I am depressed… and… I am blessed. I can take the bad as long as there is good and I thank God for all the blessings in my life.
If you are feeling down, please take a moment to stop and remind yourself of all the blessings in your life. It doesn’t mean your life isn’t hard, it just means it’s maybe a little better than you first thought. Take a step forward with me and kick that bitch Self Sabotage out of your life and start new. Every day brings you another new opportunity to try again… in fact, every decision you have to make is another new opportunity to make Self Caring your new BFF. We will stumble (trust me… I have fallen down enough times to make it from the top of Mt. Everest to the very, very bottom), but at some point you will get that mean girl out of your friend circle. I will start tonight by not eating that donut… damn, and it sounded so good too!
I am so thankful that I you have stopped by today. Please have a pain-free day.
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