It’s December… Give Yourself a Break!

where-does-the-time-goHappy December!!!!! Wow, where the heck has the time gone? For 11 months this little voice in my head said, “You need to start working on your Christmas list so you don’t have to rush in December and make yourself crazy and stressed out.“. I mean I honestly had this little voice talking to me almost every day… while at the same time this big booming voice responded with, “December is so far away you have plenty of time!“. Awesome. Well, guess who won. That big booming voice is so annoying.

It’s December and here I am, with a ton of projects to complete and… wellllllll….. I started three weeks ago. Brilliant! I mean, I haven’t been feeling great a lot this past year but that just goes without saying. How many really good days do we have on a continuous basis? I can usually get through a couple days and then I have a couple days that aren’t great. And seriously… it’s been a crazy year!

Kiyomi comes home today… YES! This kid away at college thing is great for them… freedom, free room and board, lots of free time… a lot of “free” going on. For me? Not so much FREE happening and my mini me is no longer here to hang out with and let’s be honest… she helps me with a lot. I am still trying to get used to the quiet. I am not sure I will ever stop missing the sounds of all the laughter from her and her friends. I can’t wait to hear those sounds again in the coming weeks!

The college experience hasn’t been all awesomeness. When your baby calls to tell you someone yelled an ugly racist name at her… on top of the national news of the law professor who dressed in black face and then the kids running around in black face on campus… it’s not so awesome. As a parent who is 9 1/2 hours away by car, you basically send an email to a bunch of people with “President” in the title and jump in the car and go support your baby. There’s nothing more important than ensuring your child feels safe… and IS safe! Well, the campus has a long way to go towards dealing with the race issues overall, but they have done an okay job helping Kiyomi. It takes time.

There’s that word again… time. Everything takes time. It’s so hard for someone like me who has the patience of … well I have no patience. I fully admit I have no patience and the anxiety doesn’t help at all. I’m not going to blame anxiety for all of it… I’m just going to blame anxiety for NOT MAKING IT EASIER! You know what I mean. Anxiety is always instigating, I swear it’s telling my body things like, “Make her sweat… good! Now make her heart race… great! Now let’s see…. what can we do to really make her want to scream at someone for making her stand in this long line… hmmmmmm, how about make her stomach hurt really bad!!! Yeah!!! That’s the one!! Perfection!“.  Thank you Anxiety. After all that, if I fall into Anxiety’s trap (which really doesn’t happen very often) and kind of lose it, Depression pushes Anxiety away and stands tall. Depression is always lurking around. Depression likes to remove all the color from my life and turn everything grey. Ironic that I always tend to go for clothes with grey. You gotta love mental illness! Okay you don’t have to love it, but you do have to live with it… so learn how to manage it so it doesn’t take over your life and control it. I am learning every day.

I am all over the place this morning. What else is new? Don’t get me started with ADD… hahahahahaha! Squirrel!

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Buddy’s To Do List

I really just wanted to say to all of you out there who are dealing with pain, wh\ether it’s physical or mental or like me both, the holidays are very difficult for us. Let’s get through it together. Give yourself a break. You may not get through your long ass to do list. Let folks know that their gifts may be late this year… that although you’d love to, you can’t join every event… that this year, you are doing your very best to make sure you are healthy and happy so you can enjoy the holidays with family and friends. We don’t want to just give presents, we want to be present. Being present is the hardest thing for me. My mind is always racing with all the things that I need to do… I’d love to actually be present in the moment and enjoy it. That’s my challenge for December.

I have made it this far. We made it through Kiyomi’s senior year in high school, the search for the perfect prom dress, the search for the perfect college, the search for the perfect dorm stuff and the start of the freshman year in college a state away. If I can make it through the search for a perfect prom dress, I believe I can make it through December. :)

I’m off to get ready for another beautiful day. Thank you for dropping by!

Gentle hugz.

Tamiko

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Do you remember playing these machines? this is what the inside of my head looks like!!

P.S. Okay I read through this a couple times and it truly is all over the place…  in the end I will leave it as is. It will give you a tiny glimpse (that is such a strange word) of how my mind works. It’s like a pinball bouncing around from thought to thought… and as a matter of fact it’s already moved on to stressing out about needing to pack for this business trip I’m leaving for in the morning. Oh yeah! Did i mention that I have to travel to the east coast for business for five days? Well, I’ll leave that little piece of information for the next time we meet.

Make 2015 a Better Year!

First things first… Happy 2015!! I bet we can all look back on 2014 and… well… sigh. This can be a sigh of happiness, sadness, relief.. or just a sign that we are still breathing. 2014 was a heck of a year. One thing I know for sure… 2015 is going to be better!

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My 2014 memories/ 2015 goals project

I had a new year’s resolution in 2014 that I would blog at least once a month. Fail. I had 10 goals that I outlined at the beginning of the year as part of my annual family project. Let’s just say that I believe I achieved two of those goals. While we worked on our project this year I paid more attention to identifying achievable goals. I didn’t do the copy/ paste/ then change the words goals that I have sometimes been setting in the past. This year I want to be able to say I accomplished at least half of my goals. (I will be honest and say I did keep the “finish resume” goal that I think has been on my list for the past 10 years. This year I am determined to achieve this goal!). To the right is a little picture of my completed project. I really look forward to doing this every year. As the kids get older, it amazes me that they are still willing to do this. In fact, it feels like they are more willing now than they were in the younger years. We added my god-daughter in the mix this year and we had a day full of love and laughter. I can’t think of a better way to start 2015.

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My daughter’s rag quilt…

While preparing for my project, I thought about this past year and the memories I will cherish… my son graduating from UC Santa Barbara, both the kids getting their driver’s license, going to the movies with my  mom, my daughter’s sweet 16, going to Utah to see my dad present his experience in the Japanese internment camp at Weber State and visiting Topaz with his friends… these are all memories that I hope I remember forever. There are also the memories that will stay with me because of the challenge to stay positive in the face of difficult times… supporting my friend when her mom passed away, my mom’s frustrations with her health, friends in the hospital… me in the hospital. Even with the challenges, there’s always the positive. I will forever cherish the incredibly thoughtful gift my  beautiful friend gave to my son as a graduation gift. She took my son’s soccer jerseys from the many years he played and made the most amazing quilt. I took this queen sized quilt and made it a part of my project this year. You can see I printed the picture of his quilt in black and white and added some color to parts of the picture for texture… in addition to this quilt, she also made my daughter and I rag quilts last year. I know I’ve said it many times before… and I will continue to say it… I am so so SO blessed to have such wonderful, supportive, loving family and friends in my life.

I didn’t set a goal for the number of times I would blog in 2015 on purpose… writing my blog does not always come easy. My husband has this very strong belief that I should write more. I love the strong support he always gives me… but I value your time as readers so I am… wait… stop. Let me invite you into my mind for a moment… I had an ADD moment while writing this… I am pretty sure that just typing the word “blog” twice in this paragraph kicked my brain into thinking… “It’s the beginning of a new year, I am going to change the theme on my blog…”. As you can well imagine, this thought led me to spending hours browsing the WordPress themes and then I actually tried one on for size and didn’t like it… activating the new theme and going back to my original theme completely screwed up my blog so I then had to spend time fixing it back to how I wanted it… I guess that lasted longer than just a moment. It doesn’t stop there friends… while I am going through the themes, I see all these photography friendly themes and I think to myself… “I really need to get my pictures organized…”. Just as I’m about to open up my iPhoto library I pull myself out of the vortex… before my brain keeps going and going and going and… SNAP! I’m back. Damn. AS I WAS SAYING!! Okay, breathe… as I was saying, I value your time as readers (which isn’t actually evident in this particular paragraph)… I really do value your time as readers (now I’ve said it three times so you really should believe me). Getting back on track… you are all important to me and I want to stay true to myself. I have to be in the right state of mind to write. That’s really what it comes down to. I want to spend my time focused… scratch that (I want to be focused but I know my limits!)… I have to be able to set aside a good amount of time to write something that is meaningful to me. It usually takes me hours to write one post. I write, review, re-write, review, re-write… you get it. I’m sure those of you that have your own blogs do the same thing. It’s keeping that balance while sharing my experiences between honesty and positivity. I never want to bring you down. Our bodies and minds do that already. If you are taking the time to visit my blog, I want you to laugh, get uplifted and most of all feel like you are not alone.

Fibromyalgia is such a frustrating and sneaky disorder (I always want to call it a disease but I know that’s not right… but at the same time disorder just doesn’t work for me)… anyway this shit makes me feel like a hypochondriac. I went to the Podiatrist for my foot because I couldn’t walk on it… he gave me a boot, I bought 3 pairs of expensive shoes and weeks later… the pain has moved on to somewhere else in my body. I get this weird feeling like a bee is continually stinging me in the back of my neck… is it real or fake? I go some days feeling like I can climb Mt. Everest (okay maybe just climb a small hill) and other days I can barely get out of bed. I can go weeks having mostly good days and then boom! flare. I guess what I’m saying is that I have to keep reminding myself that my body forgets what pain feels like as soon as it’s gone (even if for a brief moment). I question my sanity… a lot. I feel like I can never say I am feeling good because I’m afraid people are going to think I’m cured… that nothing is really wrong with me. I’ve never really said that out loud. It sucks to always feel so guarded about your health. I think we need to feel safe in expressing how we truly feel without worrying about the future repercussions. We don’t want to have to “justify” or explain our pain. It just is what it is. Some days are good and some days are bad. We need to be able to enjoy our good days to the fullest and not worry about when the next bad day is coming. Right? Right! I think the only person getting in my way at the moment… is me.

I sai101411_Rogue2_180d that all that because over the holidays, like every year I go, go, go to get the house ready, get the gifts purchased and wrapped and make my annual calendars. For the first time ever I didn’t scrapbook the calendar pages. I created digital calendars. It was really difficult for me to let that go and accept that there was just no way I was going to be able to get the calendars done. I didn’t have enough time and I didn’t have the energy. I felt like I should have been able to do it… but my body said… well I think it shouted, “NO!”. So… I listened. I accepted that I do have the many disorders/ conditions/ diseases that are on my medical chart and I gave myself a break. Even on the days I felt good, I knew I would still experience pain – that although it’s not always present, it’s somewhere lurking like a stalker. I don’t want to be the dumbass that is alone in the dark, saying “Come out, come out, wherever you are….”, I’m happy to let it lurk. Those are the folks in the scary movie that always get killed off first. I know it’s there… I’m going to do my damnedest to keep ahead of it. It’s not going to kill my spirit.

So back to my goals… I am going to keep that pain behind me as much as I can, both physical and mental. I’m going to work harder to take better care of my body and mind in 2015. I hope that you take the time to set some goals for yourself. Be kind and honest – set goals that you can achieve based on the reality of your health. Say it out loud… “2015 is going to be a great year!”… and it will.

I wish you all a healthy, pain-free 2015 sharing lots of love and laughter with your family and friends.

Thank you for stopping by!

Tamiko

Life is Only Getting Better from this Point…

Lord have mercy!

Those three words basically sum up everything I need to say for today’s post.

Tomorrow marks the two-week point after my Anterior Cervical Discectomy & Fusion (level C5-6 ) surgery. September 4th was a momentous day as my husband and I also celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary (a total of 28 years together). I figured only good things could happen if I scheduled my surgery on that day. As I look back on the last month my surgery is only a blip on the screen of events that have occurred. I had a close friend and second mother to me start chemo, a couple of family friends have had scares with what we thought initially were strokes (thankfully the final diagnosis was not as serious), another friend had to fly over to Hawaii to move her mom to a senior facility, a very close friend’s mom had a stroke and we lost her shortly after, my folks lost a friend and a cousin in the same week… another very close friend suffered a loss in her family… the hits just keep coming. It’s all a reminder that tomorrow is not promised. A reminder to live everyday like it’s your last. I can’t imagine supporting my mom through chemo or putting her in a senior facility (not even mentioning the fact that a flight is required every time you want to visit) much less suffer the loss of her passing. The fact that she is 15 minutes away and her health is somewhat stable is a blessing.

I know that my surgery in  no way compares to the life changes other folks are going through. I am going to get better. The surgery is going to make me better, whether it’s mentally or physically. By mentally, I mean I know that the pain I experience is not related to the cervical stenosis. That issue is resolved. Any pain I experience going forward is likely going to be due to my Fibromyalgia. I don’t have to spend any mental energy wondering about it. That said, I thought I would share some of my experiences with you Fibromites in case you face the same surgery. It’s not something to take lightly. I had some very difficult days post-surgery (my husband can attest to this, I think he’s still recovering from it as well). The weeks before the surgery my insomnia decided to drop in and pay me a visit. I would fall asleep and wake up a couple of hours later and sometimes I could go back to sleep, other times I would either read, just lie there and stare at the ceiling or get up and start working… nothing like starting my workday in the middle of the night!

As I started to type this the other day, I was looking at a clock that said 2:58am (ummmm when I actually typed this sentence it was in fact 2:58am). Instead of sleeping I ended up watching the Dreamgirls movie and attempting to draft this post. When I came home the first few hours were okay. Fast forward to the night and things starting to spiral… first I took a shower, which completely depleted my energy. Then my husband tried to change my bandage… this was a mistake.

Let me just digress for a moment. While in the hospital everything was okay. I had an IV that they kept shooting antibiotics, anti-nausea and pain meds in for the first 24 hours. I didn’t get much sleep the first night but it wasn’t for lack of trying – the nurses and dr.’s kept coming in every hour or so to check on me. I was sooooo tired on day 2, when the PT person came in to get me up and walking and teach me exercises – I literally fell asleep in the middle of an exercise. I had to finally ask her to come back later. Since I didn’t complete the PT, they couldn’t release me so I ended up staying another night. The second night the nurses left me alone most of the time so I slept for hours and hours. On Day 3 I woke up feeling pretty good and I wanted to come home. This, my friends, was my first mistake. I should have waited another 24 hours. I wasn’t ready.

freak-out-catBack to the first night at home… as soon as he started to take the bandage off, I started going into a full-on panic attack. I freaked out… and when I say freaked, I mean F-R-E-A-K-E-D out!! I had to literally talk myself off that cliff, use every coping skill I knew to calm down. I had so many places where they had used tape at one point or another that my skin felt raw. The pain I felt as the tape was getting pulled off literally felt like my skin was getting peeled off (sorry for that super gross reference). Okay. I know I’m being overly dramatic, but that is honestly what was going through my head. In my mind, the tape was going to pull all my stitches out and I was going to have to go back to the hospital and have them fix me up. Okay, I now accept the award for drama queen with pride (okay not pride, I’ll just take the damn award).

At this point my nausea went into full swing. This was my biggest issue from the moment I got into my hospital room and they had my pain under control directly after the surgery. They had tried a couple of anti-nausea meds until they gave me one that worked. When I went home, I didn’t have any anti-nausea meds… BIG F’ing MISTAKE! Oh my Lord. My husband tried calling the advice nurse to deal with it and they gave me a prescription… for something… that didn’t work! ugh.  I called again the next night because I was miserable and the advice nurse talked to the spine dr. on call who advised me to go to the emergency room. Ummmmmmmm… that’s not gonna happen. Tip: If you are having surgery on a Thursday or Friday and you go home over the week-end… make sure you have all the meds you need BEFORE you leave the hospital.

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The picture I finally decided to go with…

Day 3 – miserable… called the charge nurse for the spine clinic and asked for the drug I had been taking in the hospital for the nausea and my husband went back to the pharmacy for the second time in 24 hours. I also decided to back off the pain meds a bit and stop taking the stool softener (okay, I apologize again for too much information). The combination of these three things finally resolved my stomach/ pain issues and things started to get a bit better… except… except… well except for that damn insomnia. (Okay, seriously… I went to go look for a picture to put in my post to represent insomnia and as I did that I was in a group text with some friends… then for one reason or another I decided to go look at Facebook, which I never do anymore and ended up going through my timeline and sending my mom a life on one of those FB games which resulted in me actually playing the game… and then I checked my email… and then I realized I was in the middle of writing this post and I need to finish it! Geez Louise… ADD at its best!!!!! Annnnndddddd of course, the best part is I still need to find the picture I want to include.) As I was saying… the insomnia was kicking my ass.

Days 4, 5 ,6 – let’s just say that being up at 2:58am was normal for me. I would do whatever it took to finally fall asleep sometime after midnight… I’d wake up an hour or two later and basically that was the extent of my sleeping hour(s). Miserable doesn’t even begin to describe how i was feeling. Walking zombie… very frus-us-trated (that’s how my daughter used to say it) walking zombie… but I was trying not to complain because my nausea and pain was pretty much under control. I watched a lot of bad tv… walked around the house, moved from the bed to the couch to the other couch to the recliner to the couch… you get my drift (I love to say that).

Days 7, 8 – I gave up… called the charge nurse again for the spine clinic and she referred me back to my primary care physician. Ummmmmm, can I just tell you that I almost lost it on the phone with her? Not her fault, she did the right thing, but my frus-us-tration was getting the better of me. I am very thankful to Kaiser and their staff, they really do an excellent job. My PCP got back to me within an hour on a Friday… at 4:30pm… and by 6:00 my husband was back on the road for his 3rd trip to the pharmacy since I came  home. My PCP gave me two different meds to try (I love that she gave me options). I tried the Restoril out and on the first night… I slept for 2 1/2 hours. On the second night I took the Trazodone and at 4am I gave up and took the Restoril and slept again for 2 1/2 hours… this was the night I watched Dreamgirls.

Rainbow womanDay 9 – SUCCESS!!!!!! I doubled the dosage of the Restoril and ladies and gentlemen… taadaaaaaaaa!!!! I slept through the night. Everyone in the house celebrated. That’s a lie. My husband and I celebrated… all day long I walked around the house shouting, “I SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT!!!!!”. It was like the first time the kids slept through the night… you know the joy I’m talking about? I felt like a brand new person. It had been months since I had slept through an entire night.

So… this is a super long post, I hope you don’t mind. I’m now on Day 13 and I’ve been sleeping pretty well, managing the pain and nausea and basically feeling a bit better every day. I’m on my way. Tomorrow I get to leave my house and go in the car for the first time in two weeks. I am going for my first post-op appointment. I’m hoping they clear me to at least ride in the car for short rides. I hope to go back to work sooner rather than later (I mean in a perfect world I would not have to work and I’d just scrapbook and go to the beach and swim in my olympic size infinity pool at my beach house big enough so all my friends and family could stay with us at the same time… “and now we return to our feature presentation – Reality“). I’m not ready to work just yet, I still lay down most of the day. But I feel pretty good.

In addition, I’m proud to say that in the last month, my son got his driver’s license and started a new job, my daughter started her junior year in high school and she got her driver’s permit and I am surrounded by the most amazing, supportive, loving family and friends a girl could ask for!

Thanks for hanging in there and sharing this experience with me. Things are only going to get better from here. I believe it.

Stay cool, stay chill, stay calm and pain-free.

Gently hugz!

Tamiko

PS. Did I mention… I officially started menopause this month. Watch out family, here I come!!

My Most Memorable Moments of 2013… THANK YOU!!

Wow… even though it’s not unusual for me to go a long time in between blog postings, I have to say, I’m always a bit disappointed in myself for being so out of touch. The last three to four months have been challenging, tough, crazy, emotional… and so on and so on and so on! Just another day in the life, right? I know that I’m not the only one who goes through these ups and downs in life. I firmly believe that those people who are just always going through life without any struggle at all… well, for one they are the exception and for two (is that really how you say this grammatically?), for two… they aren’t human. Everyone has to have some amount of struggle in their life, some people are just wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy better at handling it than I. I get it. I’m my worst enemy. Well, me and my medical crap. No excuses! (Me yelling at myself)

So we are approaching the end of 2013. My annual family project to create a scrapbook page reflecting my most memorable moments from this year plus goals for the upcoming year is just days away. My husband helped me to start thinking about my most memorable moments and I thought to myself… why not blog about it! So… here we go!

My Most Memorable Moments of 2013

  1. New addition to the family… baby Annabelle!
  2. Fabulous vacations to Santa Barbara and Tahoe
  3. Watching my son at my husband’s show… one of my favorite memories of the year
  4. Completing my first 5K with my closest friends and my god-daughter and daughter!
  5. Moving houses… again
  6. Changing jobs… new manager… new team
  7. Being listed on Healthline’s Best Fibromyalgia Blog for the second year in a row
  8. Experiencing life as a freshman in high school through my daughter’s eyes
  9. Watching my son mature into an incredibly amazing adult
  10. and…. this is a good one… being published for the first time!

I was contacted back in August to submit content for a collection of stories for a book about living with Fibromyalgia. I didn’t think that my submission would actually get published, I figured with everyone out there that had something to share… pick me? No. I was completely surprised when I was told that my story was going to go in the book and even more surprised to see that we all received author credits on the front of the book! How cool and exciting is this?? I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to write something about this in my blog.  I’m excited to share with all of you my first entry into being published!

fibromyalgia journeyBig props to Shelly Bolton!

Well folks… I’m exhausted and ready to go get in my bed and attempt to get this essential tremor under control and my body into somewhat of a relaxed state.. I do appreciate all of you out there more than words can express. Your support over the years has allowed me to share my life experiences in an honest and open way, without judgement.

I wish you all the very best for 2014… and hopefully we’ll see some wins in the medical field that will help all of us lead less painful lives.

Stay cool! Gentle hugz.

Wellness Workbook – Journaling your way to a healthier life!

It’s finally ready!!! I have been working on this Wellness Workbook for a while now. To be honest, I created it over a year ago and I am just now finalizing the document and sharing with all of you. Like many of you, I have tried many different medications, diets and I’ll call them “gimmicks” to alleviate my pain. At the end of the day, what works is what most of us already know… diet, exercise and most important (in my mind)… the ability to relax and manage our stress.

I originally created the templates in this workbook for myself as a way to document my goals for better health and, as important, hold myself accountable to working towards achieving those goals. I pulled it together from all the various books and materials I have read over the course of the years, various classes I have taken, and my personal experiences.

wellnessworkbookIncluded in the workbook:

  1. Wellness Wheel: tool used to help you discover opportunities for an improved quality of life and create goals based on those areas.
  2. Wellness Plan: worksheet for documenting your short and long-­‐term health goals and listing up to four key goals in the areas that you want to work on that will help you achieve your overall short and long-­‐ term goals.
  3. Flare Plan: worksheet for documenting the tools that help you, both physically and mentally, when you are in a flare. It helps to document these so you can just flip to this page and use the tools that you know will help you.
  4. Exercise Quick Reference Sheet: there are countless exercises you can do to help with your pain, these are just some of the stretches and strengthening exercises I use on a daily basis.
  5. Reference Information: information to help you better understand how to use the daily worksheets.
  6. Daily Wellness Journal: worksheet for you to document each day; your exercise, food, pain level and how you addressed your pain, gratefulness and memorable moments.
  7. My Priorities for Today…: worksheet to document your personal and work priorities on a daily basis.
  8. Automatic Thoughts Worksheet: template to help you manage your stress and negative thoughts.

I hope that it helps you as much as it has me. Please feel free to share with whoever you feel might benefit from this type of resource, I would just appreciate if you would send them to my blog to pull down the latest version. You can either click on the image above or go to my Tools & Resources page to download the workbook.

I would also love to get your feedback so I can continue to make improvements. You all know best what it takes to manage your health and I love to hear new and creative ways to have better days.

Stay cool and keep on smiling!

Hugz.

Tamiko

Do you know the definition of insanity? I’m ready for calm…

Do you know the definition of insanity? If you agree with Enstein (which I do), insanity is… “Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” These days, I feel like I am in a constant state of insanity… of my own doing, which, in and of itself, is INSANE! I am talking about a level of unacceptability (is that even a word) that is, well, it’s unacceptable. [Is it me or does it feel like this posting is in a different language? Even I am having a hard time following myself today…] So, what was my point? Oh yeah… insanity. I am making choices these days which has put me on a path of mass destruction (cue dramatic music). Oh man, I apologize. Although in my sometimes overly dramatic world, the term “mass destruction” may be appropriate, I think we all know it’s just not true. My life is never that bad. Dramatic much? Lord have mercy. Okay, how about “I am making choices these days which are leading me down an unhealthy path”. Better? I think that sounds a little more truthful (okay a LOT more truthful, give me a break here).

rottenecard_45937984_p8rdhw6pn5We have all been there. Okay, it’s true, I am saying that because I don’t want to be the only one who feels that way… but, we have all been there, right? I realize as each day passes, the choices I am making are not very smart. I said it. I am accepting it. I’m not proud, but it hasn’t always been like this. On the roller coaster that I feel my life tends to be, right now I’d say I’m going down… almost hitting the bottom. It’s time for me to get my shit together and ride this to the straight away so I can get the strength to climb back where I should be.

I am a little too embarrassed to tell you all the stupid shit I have been doing. Seriously? You really want to know? Hmmmm, let me think on that a moment. And during this time of deep thought, I’ll digress a moment to share something with you.

My dad reads my blog each time I publish a new post. My mom has a difficult time seeing these days so my dad reads them all out loud to her. Now, the thought of my dad (or anyone for that matter) reading my thoughts OUT LOUD makes my stomach twist up a little bit. BUT! After he finishes reading my latest post, he never forgets to send me a note to let me know he read it and sharing his thoughts with me (which I always appreciate). Have I told you how amazing my parents are? A-MA-ZING! From my last post, he sent me an email and said, “Just a thought, your readers would be interested in how you went from being in an episode and being able go on a significant walk (a miracle?).  What are the signs that you are able to make a change?” He always makes me think. I admit, at first I revert back to a teenager and my habitual response to commentary from my dad kicks in… which doesn’t deserve to be said OUT LOUD (which I know he’ll do when he reads this to my mom). After a few minutes of processing, I always realize how blessed I am that my mom and dad are actually paying attention to what I am writing. So, today’s the day that I respond to his feedback. Smile dad! I bet you are laughing just a little bit right now.

My dad’s question and my response to his question play into this whole insanity phase I’m going through. It makes me think WHY did I stop all that walking? WHY did I start? Well… I started walking one rainy day when I was really upset. I needed to get some air so I put the leash on Tani (ummmmmm reminder to the readers out there that Tani is my dog and not my child so don’t call child services just yet…), anyway I put the leash on Tani and we walked out the door and I kept walking… and walking… in the rain… That day somehow motivated me to walk the next day… and the next… and I continued to walk until I was averaging three to four mile walks on a regular basis. Sometimes I would walk TWICE in one day… what? TWICE? Damn, typing that both impresses and depresses me, given the state I am in right now. There was no miracle involved in this change, it was purely out of my need one day for some fresh air… and to be honest, nothing beats walking in a little bit of rain to get some clarity.

quoteNow… why did I stop? Life. I let life get in the way, and more specifically me… I have been allowing ME to get in my own damn way for months now. It’s bullshit… and INSANE. I allowed all the shit going on in our lives to affect me to the point I am making all these stupid unhealthy decisions. So what stupid decisions you say? The kind that take awhile to turn around… let’s see… unhealthy eating (I just seem to think I deserve some kind of desserty thing before I go to bed every night, and yes I did mean to say “desserty”) and don’t get me started on chips and movie popcorn (how many movies can a girl see in a month? we are going broke from the cost of all the movies and buying up all this popcorn)… very little to no exercising… OBSESSED with Facebook games (if it’s a match 3 game, I’m playin’ it!)… tv, tv, tv…

The worst part of all this is that the smallest things seem to bring me to my mental knees (is that a saying or did I just make that up… mental knees…) My anxiety is so bad, handling even the most normal or non-stressful things are making me crazy. If something doesn’t go the right way (translation=my way), my brain shuts off and I can no longer function. ARGHHHHHHHHH!!!

I have wasteRoller_Coaster_Tracksd enough time in this land of insanity. I’m ready to go back home. I’m ready for calm and I’d like a huge side order of CONTENT to go with that calm.

So, what are the signs I am able to make a change? Well… in almost every case, it’s when I hit the bottom of the coaster ride and I realize the state I’m in. It’s today. The signs are there. I’m spiraling out of control. My pain levels are intolerable and my mental health is… well, let’s just say it’s not healthy. Today’s the day… okay tonight’s the night (it’s still just before midnight). I am going to start making good choices.

moviepopcornTomorrow is a new day and it’s going to be a good one. I will be positive. I will eat better. I will exercise. I will turn off the damn computer and stop playing these damn games… and well tv? I can’t give that up, but maybe I’ll watch it when it’s on and turn it off when I’m not (instead of just having it play in the background all the time). The tv thing… that’s going to take some work. Oh yeah, and I’m not giving up movie popcorn, but maybe I can work on the obsession.

I am kind of all over the place today. I appreciate you sticking with me through this posting. I hope you are having a good day/ night and you are making healthy choices. Sometimes that word “choice” really sucks! Makes accountability (another favorite word) so hard to deny. Those youngsters really don’t understand how good they have it… once they have to start making their own decisions, life becomes so much more challenging. My ADD is at its best in this post… that was a slight distraction from my normal closing… although it’s true… having choices is a very good thing… making choices? Well… not so easy. And on that note!!! Time to say g’night.

Thanks for stopping by today! Stay cool, calm and relaxed.

Gentle hugz.

Tamiko

Fight! Live YOUR Life!

How many posts do you start and stop before you get to the one that you feel is okay to publish? Having a blog is like writing in your diary… except I left my diary open on a table… in a restaurant… and people are walking by, picking it up and reading it. It’s scary and strange and cool all at the same time. It’s very cool to know that my feelings and experiences are interesting or helpful to others. It’s also difficult. Difficult because I always want to be real, true, honest… and it’s not always easy to be those things.

Like today, for instance… I started and stopped a separate post because, in all honesty, it was bringing me down just to write it. Lord only knows how someone would feel reading it! I don’t feel it’s fair to share stuff that is just depressing. I have depression… I don’t want to make it worse for anyone else. Then I wonder if I am doing a disservice to myself to set that post aside if that’s how I really feel. So here I am. I decided to take a different perspective on how I feel to see if that works better.

I have had a pretty up and down time for a while. Physically I still flare, I know this is not going to every go away completely. Life with Fibromyalgia. This Essential Tremor shit is uncool. I mean seriously, what the f*ck? Anxious? Nervous? Worried? Angry? Frustrated? Stressed? Basically ANYTHING that is not calm or relaxed and my head just nods and my hands shake… I have to use my muscles to make it stop. I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable or even myself, for that matter. Sometimes I don’t notice it, but that’s pretty rare. I would just prefer noone else notice it… My anxiety? Well, through the roof these days. I keep telling myself… “Give it to God“, but my anxiety keeps telling me “ummmmm, NO!”. (I’d say “Hell NO!”, it just seems wrong in the same sentence as “Give it to God”. Oh wait, I said it anyway.) That battle between me and my anxiety goes on for at least an hour or two throughout every single day. ADD? Yes it’s there, but on average I seem to be managing this okay… and let’s not forget the ever-present black hole… the opening to enter is not big enough for me to fit in at the moment, so I won’t give it much real estate other than to say, fighting Depression is also a daily battle.

Oh! Did I tell you I started the big M? Menopause. No period? No complaints from me! I have discovered a miracle cream though. It seems to help with my mood, maybe a little with the migraines, feels like it’s helping my energy. It doesn’t seem to be a coincidence that I started walking around the same time this cream and I became besties. I don’t like promoting products, but this one has really been one of the few things that I know really helps me. [Pro-Gest Natural Progesterone Cream Paraben Free 2 Oz From Emerita] I don’t want to debate the pros and cons of this specific product, just that if you are experiencing any of the symptoms of menopause, you may want to consider trying a progesterone cream.

I am not sure why I have been afflicted with all these illnesses. I still hope to wake up one day and not have any of this. Hope… Dream… Believe… it does keep me going. We all need to hope, dream, believe about something!

Here’s the main thing. We all wake up (well we certainly hope we will wake up), and some of us struggle to get out of bed, some of us struggle to walk, some of us struggle with the fog that encases our brain… unfortunately some of us struggle with all three of those things and more… but we all start the day with the option to have hope that today will be a good day, to dream that tomorrow will be better, to BELIEVE that we can manage our pain so we can live our lives. If we choose to start the day any other way, we make it so much harder for ourselves. We have to be our own cheerleaders in life. It’s so much better to live rather than just get through another day. It is not easy, but it’s soooo worth it!

Fight those demons, the anxiety monster, the black hole of depression, the little voice whispering in your ear that your pain is too much and you can’t do anything… you can always do something. Be proud of the fact you are able to get out of bed today, that you are able to get dressed … small successes are so much better than feeling like a failure. Kick the ass of this negative shit in your life and empower yourself to be strong.

Noone can take away how special you are or how damn strong you are to deal with this shit every day. Don’t let anyone take away your power.

I admit, I got a little riled up there for a minute, but sometimes we all need a little kick in the ass to remind us that we are special… God chose us to share with those who are suffering that people with pain can and do live a good life. Now go have a great day and live your life!

Thanks for stopping by!

Stay cool.

Tamiko