First things first… Happy 2015!! I bet we can all look back on 2014 and… well… sigh. This can be a sigh of happiness, sadness, relief.. or just a sign that we are still breathing. 2014 was a heck of a year. One thing I know for sure… 2015 is going to be better!
I had a new year’s resolution in 2014 that I would blog at least once a month. Fail. I had 10 goals that I outlined at the beginning of the year as part of my annual family project. Let’s just say that I believe I achieved two of those goals. While we worked on our project this year I paid more attention to identifying achievable goals. I didn’t do the copy/ paste/ then change the words goals that I have sometimes been setting in the past. This year I want to be able to say I accomplished at least half of my goals. (I will be honest and say I did keep the “finish resume” goal that I think has been on my list for the past 10 years. This year I am determined to achieve this goal!). To the right is a little picture of my completed project. I really look forward to doing this every year. As the kids get older, it amazes me that they are still willing to do this. In fact, it feels like they are more willing now than they were in the younger years. We added my god-daughter in the mix this year and we had a day full of love and laughter. I can’t think of a better way to start 2015.
While preparing for my project, I thought about this past year and the memories I will cherish… my son graduating from UC Santa Barbara, both the kids getting their driver’s license, going to the movies with my mom, my daughter’s sweet 16, going to Utah to see my dad present his experience in the Japanese internment camp at Weber State and visiting Topaz with his friends… these are all memories that I hope I remember forever. There are also the memories that will stay with me because of the challenge to stay positive in the face of difficult times… supporting my friend when her mom passed away, my mom’s frustrations with her health, friends in the hospital… me in the hospital. Even with the challenges, there’s always the positive. I will forever cherish the incredibly thoughtful gift my beautiful friend gave to my son as a graduation gift. She took my son’s soccer jerseys from the many years he played and made the most amazing quilt. I took this queen sized quilt and made it a part of my project this year. You can see I printed the picture of his quilt in black and white and added some color to parts of the picture for texture… in addition to this quilt, she also made my daughter and I rag quilts last year. I know I’ve said it many times before… and I will continue to say it… I am so so SO blessed to have such wonderful, supportive, loving family and friends in my life.
I didn’t set a goal for the number of times I would blog in 2015 on purpose… writing my blog does not always come easy. My husband has this very strong belief that I should write more. I love the strong support he always gives me… but I value your time as readers so I am… wait… stop. Let me invite you into my mind for a moment… I had an ADD moment while writing this… I am pretty sure that just typing the word “blog” twice in this paragraph kicked my brain into thinking… “It’s the beginning of a new year, I am going to change the theme on my blog…”. As you can well imagine, this thought led me to spending hours browsing the WordPress themes and then I actually tried one on for size and didn’t like it… activating the new theme and going back to my original theme completely screwed up my blog so I then had to spend time fixing it back to how I wanted it… I guess that lasted longer than just a moment. It doesn’t stop there friends… while I am going through the themes, I see all these photography friendly themes and I think to myself… “I really need to get my pictures organized…”. Just as I’m about to open up my iPhoto library I pull myself out of the vortex… before my brain keeps going and going and going and… SNAP! I’m back. Damn. AS I WAS SAYING!! Okay, breathe… as I was saying, I value your time as readers (which isn’t actually evident in this particular paragraph)… I really do value your time as readers (now I’ve said it three times so you really should believe me). Getting back on track… you are all important to me and I want to stay true to myself. I have to be in the right state of mind to write. That’s really what it comes down to. I want to spend my time focused… scratch that (I want to be focused but I know my limits!)… I have to be able to set aside a good amount of time to write something that is meaningful to me. It usually takes me hours to write one post. I write, review, re-write, review, re-write… you get it. I’m sure those of you that have your own blogs do the same thing. It’s keeping that balance while sharing my experiences between honesty and positivity. I never want to bring you down. Our bodies and minds do that already. If you are taking the time to visit my blog, I want you to laugh, get uplifted and most of all feel like you are not alone.
Fibromyalgia is such a frustrating and sneaky disorder (I always want to call it a disease but I know that’s not right… but at the same time disorder just doesn’t work for me)… anyway this shit makes me feel like a hypochondriac. I went to the Podiatrist for my foot because I couldn’t walk on it… he gave me a boot, I bought 3 pairs of expensive shoes and weeks later… the pain has moved on to somewhere else in my body. I get this weird feeling like a bee is continually stinging me in the back of my neck… is it real or fake? I go some days feeling like I can climb Mt. Everest (okay maybe just climb a small hill) and other days I can barely get out of bed. I can go weeks having mostly good days and then boom! flare. I guess what I’m saying is that I have to keep reminding myself that my body forgets what pain feels like as soon as it’s gone (even if for a brief moment). I question my sanity… a lot. I feel like I can never say I am feeling good because I’m afraid people are going to think I’m cured… that nothing is really wrong with me. I’ve never really said that out loud. It sucks to always feel so guarded about your health. I think we need to feel safe in expressing how we truly feel without worrying about the future repercussions. We don’t want to have to “justify” or explain our pain. It just is what it is. Some days are good and some days are bad. We need to be able to enjoy our good days to the fullest and not worry about when the next bad day is coming. Right? Right! I think the only person getting in my way at the moment… is me.
I said that all that because over the holidays, like every year I go, go, go to get the house ready, get the gifts purchased and wrapped and make my annual calendars. For the first time ever I didn’t scrapbook the calendar pages. I created digital calendars. It was really difficult for me to let that go and accept that there was just no way I was going to be able to get the calendars done. I didn’t have enough time and I didn’t have the energy. I felt like I should have been able to do it… but my body said… well I think it shouted, “NO!”. So… I listened. I accepted that I do have the many disorders/ conditions/ diseases that are on my medical chart and I gave myself a break. Even on the days I felt good, I knew I would still experience pain – that although it’s not always present, it’s somewhere lurking like a stalker. I don’t want to be the dumbass that is alone in the dark, saying “Come out, come out, wherever you are….”, I’m happy to let it lurk. Those are the folks in the scary movie that always get killed off first. I know it’s there… I’m going to do my damnedest to keep ahead of it. It’s not going to kill my spirit.
So back to my goals… I am going to keep that pain behind me as much as I can, both physical and mental. I’m going to work harder to take better care of my body and mind in 2015. I hope that you take the time to set some goals for yourself. Be kind and honest – set goals that you can achieve based on the reality of your health. Say it out loud… “2015 is going to be a great year!”… and it will.
I wish you all a healthy, pain-free 2015 sharing lots of love and laughter with your family and friends.
Thank you for stopping by!
Hello, you are an inspiration to me. I also live with fibromyalgia and understand how you feel. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you so much Jess! It’s good to know there are others out there who understand what I’m going through and can share in my life experiences.
Hi Tamiko, I found your blog through google search and I’m now a follower. As I read this post I felt you were speaking directly to me and in a way that I could understand, my mind jumps to other things just like yours did. Funny, I was able to follow your train of thought through its ins and outs, because that’s what happens to me. I downloaded your fibro journal and plan to use it to help me journal about my fibro and depression. Thanks so much for being there.
It’s always nice to know that I’m not alone in my craziness. :) Thank you so much for taking the time to comment, it means a lot to me. I hope the journal helps you… if you have any suggestions to improve it, I’m always open to ideas.
I’m so happy to hear I’m not the only person that sometimes takes offense to a doctor that says “you are doing great” just because I took okay, or I respond to the question “how are you?” with “I’m okay”…I worry that he/she will think I’m well enough to stop helping…whew! I appreciate your blog and happy to be one of the first to reply! 2015 is going to be a GREAT Year!
Thank so much for stopping by and leaving a comment, I love to hear from folks!
I LOVE when you blog! Makes me happy to see you express yourself. It helps more people than you realize. Even those without disorders. It’s uplifting! (And we ALL need that) Thanks for being my hero.