Anger

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My Best Friend Self Sabotage

I really try hard not to curse… especially when I blog. But for goodness sake the shit that has been going on in my body has been uncool. I mean I understand what I have… I get that pain is a part of my life… FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE (and I’m not yelling at you, just yelling in general). My level of frustration is pretty damn high right now… can you tell?

There’s a lot going on… many stressful events surround me and I’m trying to take it one day a a time. My best friend at the moment goes by the name of Self Sabotage. Are you familiar with her? She’s a real bitch. She follows me around all the time and she’s super bossy! I try to get away from her, but one way or another she’s always creeping up on me. Needless to say, she’s standing in between me and my well being. I tried to kick her ass out of my life a couple times, but she always catches me when I’m down and for reasons I don’t really understand she lifts me up just enough to make it look like she’s helping (for example when I ate that big ice cream bar the other day). Even as I write this I can feel her sitting right beside me… ugh.

I took a couple days off over Labor Day weekend so I could have a nice 5 day break from work. Guess what I did the entire time? Yup, you guessed it… nothing. I will honestly say I don’t think I have experienced that level of pain in years. From the Friday I took off until the Tuesday I attempted to go back to work, I could barely get from the couch to the bathroom…. my husband reminded me that every time I take one of these long weekends to relax, my body decides otherwise.

It’s exhausting. I am exhausted. I can feel myself slipping down that f’d up black hole and I’m clawing at the edges to not fall in. Normally I don’t want to write when I’m feeling this way, but today I felt like it would help. As I sit here and think about what’s going on in the world… honestly? I am one person in a world of wars, hurricanes, earthquakes, racism, ignorance, intolerance…. the list of horrible, tragic shit is endless. When I put my life into perspective I realize that what I have is absolutely fucking awesome. Way to turn it around, huh? I have to tell you… sometimes it takes stopping my life, sitting at my desk and writing to stop feeling sorry for myself and be thankful. That really just happened, I sat down not feeling very grateful and after thinking about it I realized how wrong I am.

I have to interrupt this blog and tell you… I am definitely being tested, as I am sitting here I’m hearing this drip drip drip from across the room and I’m thinking it’s the humidifier doing it’s thing… it’s definitely doing it’s thing. I got up to take a look and it basically drained all over my dresser… a full tank of water. I’m being tested.

Anyway! I could definitely fall down that black hole with all the crap going on in my life but at the end of the day I still have my family. I have my friends and we have a roof over our heads which is a lot more than a lot of people right now. I AM BLESSED (I’m still not yelling at you, but I’d love to be on top of a mountain yelling this at the top of my lungs)!!

I am in pain… I am depressed… and… I am blessed. I can take the bad as long as there is good and I thank God for all the blessings in my life.

If you are feeling down, please take a moment to stop and remind yourself of all the blessings in your life. It doesn’t mean your life isn’t hard, it just means it’s maybe a little better than you first thought. Take a step forward with me and kick that bitch Self Sabotage out of your life and start new. Every day brings you another new opportunity to try again… in fact, every decision you have to make is another new opportunity to make Self Caring your new BFF. We will stumble (trust me… I have fallen down enough times to make it from the top of Mt. Everest to the very, very bottom), but at some point you will get that mean girl out of your friend circle. I will start tonight by not eating that donut… damn, and it sounded so good too!

I am so thankful that I you have stopped by today. Please have a pain-free day.

I love to hear from you, please take a moment to leave a comment.

Gentle hugz,

Tamiko

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Happy Fibromyalgia Awareness Day!

Today is Fibromyalgia Awareness Day. For me, it’s a reminder of how far I have come since I was diagnosed. From that day (let’s call it D-Day) many years ago to today the amount of resources and information available at your fingertips is infinitely better. I remember going to the bookstore every month or two and literally purchasing every book there was available on Fibromyalgia… I couldn’t get enough information. These days I am not such a voracious reader of the subject. I just live my life to the best of my ability… it’s a part of me. I realize I will have this for the rest of my life and for the most part I have accepted it.

There have been days (like yesterday) where I get so frustrated I want to walk away from this life and just keep walking into the sunset never to return. Seriously?? How far would I get? After about 1000 steps I’d have to call someone to come pick me up and ask them to drive me into the sunset… which defeats the purpose… and takes away all the dramatic effect. But you get it. It’s like Day 90 of feeling like shit every other day.

Disney-Pixar-Inside-OutHmmmmm… could it be the stress? There is a lot of that to go around. I know what I should (and shouldn’t) be doing. I have all the information and tools at my fingertips but I am struggling with the motivation. I have no energy… did you see that movie Inside Out? Sadness has taken over… Anger and Fear are fighting to take over. Where the hell is Joy?? She needs to find her strength and come out of hiding.

There’s so much going on in my head all the time I can’t remember having a moment of quiet. I know part of my frustration these day is the constant high pitch tone that never goes away. I lie down at night and there it is. I wake up in the morning and it’s like “Good MornEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE…” and it never gets to the ‘NG’.  I’m like, JUST FINISH THE DAMN WORD! How hard is it? Good MornING, say it with me… GOOD MORN-ING!!! And then I realize I am yelling at myself… in my head… and I have only just woke up. Wow. And for a few moments Disgust walks in and just shakes her head. But this high pitch sound… it’s stuck, like a needle skipping on a record player (remember those? God I miss my old stereo with a record player and tape deck!). If I could just pick up the damn needle and stop the madness… andddddd let’s give a warm welcome to the latest diagnosis to join my life… Tinnitus!! (I really tried to slam the door in the face of this most recent guest, but Tinnitus just planted themselves on the doorstep and wouldn’t leave… RUDE!)

When I got out of bed this morning… that’s the other thing, when did 5am become my normal wake up time? Geez how easily am I distracted this morning!! Anyway… when I got out of bed this morning I thought about how it’s Fibromyalgia Awareness Day and I thought it’d be a great day to remind folks of the Tools and Resources out there. There are a lot and I quite honestly haven’t searched for new sites lately… but here’s a reminder to check out what I have found and feel free to share what your favorites are. I also have some tools that I have created that you are welcome to use:

It is a day of celebration! Fibromyalgia can be overcome… it’s frustrating and obviously very painful, but it’s not a death sentence. Do better than me! Eat right, exercise your body and mind and most important… laugh, smile… find your blessings throughout your day and be grateful. Today I am grateful that the medical field is more accepting that Fibromyalgia should be treated by a medical doctor, not a psychiatrist. It’s not in your head people, this is real. I am grateful for my family, my friends and the wonderful weather. I am grateful for those of you that have taken the time to read my post today.

I wish you all a pain free day. Be blessed!

Gentle hug,

Tamiko

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Fibromyalgia and the “Why Me??” Syndrome…

So I’m sure many of you have had those hours, days or even weeks where you have the “Why Me?” syndrome. You know what I’m talking about. You are in a flare, you are depressed, you are having major foggy brain… you are just doing what you can to function and get through the day. People around do not really get what this feels like, we look normal – yet we are suffering (God I hate that word, “suffering” – don’t feel sorry for me, I just can’t think of another word). You start to question what the hell did I do to deserve this f’d up thing called Fibromyalgia? For starters… you probably worked your body and mind for years to the point where everything finally just crashed and burned. I have to believe that’s what happened to me.  No, I don’t deserve it. Living with it is not fun… it’s never fun. It’s a struggle to keep my emotions in control. I challenge myself every day with staying positive, smiling and not falling down that deep dark hole of depression. Most days I win, some days I lose.

Working full-time is honestly about all I can do these days. It sucks. Every week I start working on Monday, I get to Thursday and I’m struggling by the afternoon… on Friday I’m struggling all day. Saturday I try to get up and out of the house and do something fun, sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn’t… Sunday ends up being a day of forced rest. It’s a cycle that I have come to know very well. I’m pretty sure I’ve written this in my blog once or twice (maybe even three times) before. I appreciate that I have a job that allows me to work from home. I don’t know what I’d do if I had to commute everyday. I am thankful for the job that I have, it’s not the job as much as it is working in general. I get resentful that it takes all my good energy. What’s left at the end of the day is like the warning message you get when your laptop/phone is about to die “Warning! 10% remaining…”. Lately I’ve had to just “shut it down” and go to bed and try again the next day. I am a professional TV viewer. Well, maybe not professional, if you ask me what I just watched I can probably tell you the name of the show, but not what happened IN the show. I’m too anxious to read, no energy to go out and a lot of the time I sit and think “what should I be doing right now?”, yet as many times as I ask myself this question, I hardly ever get an answer. It’s crazy. I should know what I want to do and how I want to spend my time, yet each day it’s the same thing.

How am I doing this week… The dreaded question… or better yet, “What’s wrong with you?”, “What’s going on with you?”, “Is something wrong?”, you get the drift. Hmmmmm, so many ways to answer that question. Yet, I can’t come up with any new material. I’ve used up all the standard answers… and yes, I’m in pain all the time… and yes, most days I am depressed and I totally get that I’m not always that responsive. I really am doing my best. My best isn’t always good enough, I get that. Thus, the “Why Me?” syndrome. I really don’t want to live like this, it’s not a choice. I’m well aware of my mental and physical state… all the time.

What does it mean to live with pain? Well, the obvious answer, to those of us living this dream life, is I need help (I apologize for the sarcasm, but this damn “Why Me?” syndrome really brings out the worst in me). I need a lot of help. I need help washing my hair, doing the laundry, cleaning the house, cooking the food, shopping, walking the dog, worst of all – driving… the list is endless. It’d be easier to answer what I don’t need help with. I need help thinking, processing information, remembering. When I’m feeling like this, I can’t remember my name sometimes. Don’t look at me like I’m crazy because I can’t remember something… I already feel crazy. It means, what takes a healthy person 30 seconds to do will sometimes take me ten times that… hell 50 times that on a really bad day.

This past week-end I decided I wanted to do some things around the house. I thought I’d surprise my husband, who was gone for the day, and do some laundry, wash the sheets and the duvet thingy. Well, I got up and did some cleaning, took all the sheets off the bed and the duvet thingy off the comforter. Did I mention I have the easiest bed to make? I did two loads of laundry and I started to make the bed when WHAM! My body was like “OHHHHH, HELL NO!! You are not going to do that!!” Awesome. The fitted sheet is on 1/2 the bed. I’m laying on top of the bed in excruciating pain. So! Now it just looks like I made a mess and I’m too lazy to make the bed (and the real topper is you can’t even tell the sheets were washed). The best intentions… I did manage to finish making the bed, but not before my husband came home. Surprise! What a fail. I was exhausted, in pain and frustrated that I couldn’t finish what I started (I did mention I have the easiest bed to make, right?). Ever had one of those days?

Annnnyyyyyhoooooo, as you can see, I’m having one of those weeks. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. I just want to express what I’m going through. I want to know my normal is normal to others with Fibromyalgia and Depression. I want people who are in relationships with people like us to understand… you know, really get that we appreciate the help but most of all we need you to support us by understanding. Plain and simple. Understand life with FMS/Depression is what it is. We have to accept it, we want you to as well. There are no miracle cures. We may feel good today and not be able to get out of bed tomorrow. Don’t act surprised or wonder why… we have no answers. Trust me, we want answers. We want a cure. We want our independence and freedom back.

Please let me know how you are doing. Share your experiences with me. Most of all, relax.

Thanks for reading.

Stay cool!

Tamiko

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Maybe There Are Just Too Many Maybe’s… Making Decisions With A Foggy Brain

Let’s say, for instance, you have to make a life altering decision. How do you go about thinking through this decision? Do you talk to your friends? Do you go in a dark room and think, think, think? Do you sit down and make a list of the pro’s and con’s? Do you talk to your counselor? Do you talk to your significant other? Do you talk to your dog? parents? What do you do?

Let me give you an example. You have the option to make a change that will make a significant difference in your income, your social life, even your daily life and will cause you to go through some pretty major positive and negative stress. You can either make this change OR you can keep  going in the life you have. The life you have is not bad. You make a pretty good income, you work with some of the best people on earth, you have some pretty major stress.

So, what’s the problem? Well, that was just an example. My question still remains. What do you do when you have a problem and you need to think it through? I struggle with this all the time when I have issues. With a foggy brain, when I try to figure things out… well, let’s be honest… I don’t get to the “figuring out” part. I start to do the research, but I have a difficult time reading through the policy jargon. The stuff that used to be so easy for me… this is the shit that I used to read through and help OTHER people understand. Now I’m the one that can’t figure it out. What. Happened. To. Me.

I have my good days when I can be a Lawyer! Of course these are my husband’s worst nightmare days. He should really pray these are the days he doesn’t get into an argument with me… because if I’m feeling good, I’m probably going to really want to use my brain! (God help him!) These are the days that I will willingly work 16 hours to get through as much email and paperwork as possible. I can process stuff very quickly vs. the normal time it takes. Quickly. This is how I used to work in the late 80’s and 90’s and early 2000’s bcp (before chronic pain).

I can remember those days. I used to work 16 hour days… everyday. I used to work 6 days a week… every week. My life was work, work was my life. Hmmmmm, I don’t think I should look back on those days and say “those were the good ‘ol days!”. There were definitely some GREAT days! I had a lot of fun working, I learned a hell of a lot… but I gave up a hell of a lot as well. I am certainly paying the price now. People still expect the same output or I should say, people would still like the same output. I also expect myself to be able to work like that. I still push myself to work those hours. I don’t know how to work an 8 hour day, stop working and then figure out what to do the rest of the time. Well, let’s be real here… after those 8 hours, I’m pretty much useless. BUT, IF I had energy after 8 hours, what would I do? I have no idea. There is so much to do… where would I start?

My problem is… I have so many things I want to do, I am overwhelmed. If I wasn’t working at all, where would I start? Where would I stop? How would I prioritize? The thing is… why think about it at all if there’s no chance at the moment?

So… again, I have this question about how to make this big life altering decision. I have this damn foggy brain. I have all these questions in my head. I am completely overwhelmed. I know there are all these processes you can use to make decisions… and well… I think when it comes down to it… maybe I’m just not ready to make this decision. Maybe I’m afraid. There are just so many Maybe’s.

Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe I’ll figure out what I want to do soon.

But for tonight… I think I’ll go to sleep… and maybe, jussssttttt maybe, when I wake up I’ll have an idea of how to think through this decision!

Y’all stay cool! Thanks for reading…

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When the Anger & Frustration Get The Best of You, What Do You Do? Choose Calm…

I am counting down the days… less than two weeks away until my son graduates from high school. While there is a lot to celebrate, I feel like I am seriously being tested. Mentally and physically…

This is one of those “how much can you take?” tests. All I’m saying is…. REALLY???? Right now???? First of all, I am not complaining. Okay. I’m complaining a little bit. So, as you read this, you must want to know what I am going on about. Well, I’ll tell you.

Work…. on top of Life…. on top of … Work … on top of Life… on top of … well you get it.

It is exhausting.

When the anger and the frustration get the best of you, what do you do? It’s interesting, either it’s age or all of the training I have received in the last couple years, I feel like I am a lot more calm now than I have ever been. This is another way for me to keep a flare away. If I lose my temper, I am guaranteed a flare within 24 hours. So, honestly, it’s a choice I make. How about you?

How about your surroundings? Do you notice people around you are getting mad a lot quicker? It seems to me people also get really mad at the small stuff. It’s crazy to me. I just don’t get it. It’s such a waste of energy. I guess, for me, I have so little energy to start with I see no reason to waste it on the small shit. Maybe if people were in pain, they would feel the same way. It’s an interesting way to learn such a profound lesson, but that’s how I learned! He said/she said… why do YOU care what people think of you? What is really important is what YOU think of you. Think about what makes you angry and figure out WHY. Is it worth spending the little energy you have on that anger? Or would you rather do something else with that energy… like LAUGH?

We are surrounded. There’s no doubt about it. Road rage. The daily news. TV shows. Movies. Rude people. Rude people in general. I am amazed at how rude people are these days. Rude people raising rude children…. and so on and so on…

So! Don’t stand for it. Smile. Don’t let the small shit get to you. Don’t get angry, get over it! Treat people with respect… ya hear me? Let’s use our energy for positivity!! Stand up and shout about it!

If you feel like you are about to lose it… close your eyes, breeeeeeeaaaaathe, count to ten.

If you want to scream at your boss, your husband, a rude person, your doctor …. take a deep breath, close your eyes, breeeeeeeaaaaathe, count to ten.

So… I think you get my point. The person who is going to suffer the most at the end of the day is the fibromite in the anger game.

Choose calm. Thanks for checking my blog out. Please leave a comment.

Stay cool – and chillax!!

PS. It’s funny how I always start off with one train of thought… and I always seem to end up somewhere else. Oh well, I did say I had ADHD, right? LOL!