dream

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Fight! Live YOUR Life!

How many posts do you start and stop before you get to the one that you feel is okay to publish? Having a blog is like writing in your diary… except I left my diary open on a table… in a restaurant… and people are walking by, picking it up and reading it. It’s scary and strange and cool all at the same time. It’s very cool to know that my feelings and experiences are interesting or helpful to others. It’s also difficult. Difficult because I always want to be real, true, honest… and it’s not always easy to be those things.

Like today, for instance… I started and stopped a separate post because, in all honesty, it was bringing me down just to write it. Lord only knows how someone would feel reading it! I don’t feel it’s fair to share stuff that is just depressing. I have depression… I don’t want to make it worse for anyone else. Then I wonder if I am doing a disservice to myself to set that post aside if that’s how I really feel. So here I am. I decided to take a different perspective on how I feel to see if that works better.

I have had a pretty up and down time for a while. Physically I still flare, I know this is not going to every go away completely. Life with Fibromyalgia. This Essential Tremor shit is uncool. I mean seriously, what the f*ck? Anxious? Nervous? Worried? Angry? Frustrated? Stressed? Basically ANYTHING that is not calm or relaxed and my head just nods and my hands shake… I have to use my muscles to make it stop. I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable or even myself, for that matter. Sometimes I don’t notice it, but that’s pretty rare. I would just prefer noone else notice it… My anxiety? Well, through the roof these days. I keep telling myself… “Give it to God“, but my anxiety keeps telling me “ummmmm, NO!”. (I’d say “Hell NO!”, it just seems wrong in the same sentence as “Give it to God”. Oh wait, I said it anyway.) That battle between me and my anxiety goes on for at least an hour or two throughout every single day. ADD? Yes it’s there, but on average I seem to be managing this okay… and let’s not forget the ever-present black hole… the opening to enter is not big enough for me to fit in at the moment, so I won’t give it much real estate other than to say, fighting Depression is also a daily battle.

Oh! Did I tell you I started the big M? Menopause. No period? No complaints from me! I have discovered a miracle cream though. It seems to help with my mood, maybe a little with the migraines, feels like it’s helping my energy. It doesn’t seem to be a coincidence that I started walking around the same time this cream and I became besties. I don’t like promoting products, but this one has really been one of the few things that I know really helps me. [Pro-Gest Natural Progesterone Cream Paraben Free 2 Oz From Emerita] I don’t want to debate the pros and cons of this specific product, just that if you are experiencing any of the symptoms of menopause, you may want to consider trying a progesterone cream.

I am not sure why I have been afflicted with all these illnesses. I still hope to wake up one day and not have any of this. Hope… Dream… Believe… it does keep me going. We all need to hope, dream, believe about something!

Here’s the main thing. We all wake up (well we certainly hope we will wake up), and some of us struggle to get out of bed, some of us struggle to walk, some of us struggle with the fog that encases our brain… unfortunately some of us struggle with all three of those things and more… but we all start the day with the option to have hope that today will be a good day, to dream that tomorrow will be better, to BELIEVE that we can manage our pain so we can live our lives. If we choose to start the day any other way, we make it so much harder for ourselves. We have to be our own cheerleaders in life. It’s so much better to live rather than just get through another day. It is not easy, but it’s soooo worth it!

Fight those demons, the anxiety monster, the black hole of depression, the little voice whispering in your ear that your pain is too much and you can’t do anything… you can always do something. Be proud of the fact you are able to get out of bed today, that you are able to get dressed … small successes are so much better than feeling like a failure. Kick the ass of this negative shit in your life and empower yourself to be strong.

Noone can take away how special you are or how damn strong you are to deal with this shit every day. Don’t let anyone take away your power.

I admit, I got a little riled up there for a minute, but sometimes we all need a little kick in the ass to remind us that we are special… God chose us to share with those who are suffering that people with pain can and do live a good life. Now go have a great day and live your life!

Thanks for stopping by!

Stay cool.

Tamiko

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Fibromyalgia and the “Why Me??” Syndrome…

So I’m sure many of you have had those hours, days or even weeks where you have the “Why Me?” syndrome. You know what I’m talking about. You are in a flare, you are depressed, you are having major foggy brain… you are just doing what you can to function and get through the day. People around do not really get what this feels like, we look normal – yet we are suffering (God I hate that word, “suffering” – don’t feel sorry for me, I just can’t think of another word). You start to question what the hell did I do to deserve this f’d up thing called Fibromyalgia? For starters… you probably worked your body and mind for years to the point where everything finally just crashed and burned. I have to believe that’s what happened to me.  No, I don’t deserve it. Living with it is not fun… it’s never fun. It’s a struggle to keep my emotions in control. I challenge myself every day with staying positive, smiling and not falling down that deep dark hole of depression. Most days I win, some days I lose.

Working full-time is honestly about all I can do these days. It sucks. Every week I start working on Monday, I get to Thursday and I’m struggling by the afternoon… on Friday I’m struggling all day. Saturday I try to get up and out of the house and do something fun, sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn’t… Sunday ends up being a day of forced rest. It’s a cycle that I have come to know very well. I’m pretty sure I’ve written this in my blog once or twice (maybe even three times) before. I appreciate that I have a job that allows me to work from home. I don’t know what I’d do if I had to commute everyday. I am thankful for the job that I have, it’s not the job as much as it is working in general. I get resentful that it takes all my good energy. What’s left at the end of the day is like the warning message you get when your laptop/phone is about to die “Warning! 10% remaining…”. Lately I’ve had to just “shut it down” and go to bed and try again the next day. I am a professional TV viewer. Well, maybe not professional, if you ask me what I just watched I can probably tell you the name of the show, but not what happened IN the show. I’m too anxious to read, no energy to go out and a lot of the time I sit and think “what should I be doing right now?”, yet as many times as I ask myself this question, I hardly ever get an answer. It’s crazy. I should know what I want to do and how I want to spend my time, yet each day it’s the same thing.

How am I doing this week… The dreaded question… or better yet, “What’s wrong with you?”, “What’s going on with you?”, “Is something wrong?”, you get the drift. Hmmmmm, so many ways to answer that question. Yet, I can’t come up with any new material. I’ve used up all the standard answers… and yes, I’m in pain all the time… and yes, most days I am depressed and I totally get that I’m not always that responsive. I really am doing my best. My best isn’t always good enough, I get that. Thus, the “Why Me?” syndrome. I really don’t want to live like this, it’s not a choice. I’m well aware of my mental and physical state… all the time.

What does it mean to live with pain? Well, the obvious answer, to those of us living this dream life, is I need help (I apologize for the sarcasm, but this damn “Why Me?” syndrome really brings out the worst in me). I need a lot of help. I need help washing my hair, doing the laundry, cleaning the house, cooking the food, shopping, walking the dog, worst of all – driving… the list is endless. It’d be easier to answer what I don’t need help with. I need help thinking, processing information, remembering. When I’m feeling like this, I can’t remember my name sometimes. Don’t look at me like I’m crazy because I can’t remember something… I already feel crazy. It means, what takes a healthy person 30 seconds to do will sometimes take me ten times that… hell 50 times that on a really bad day.

This past week-end I decided I wanted to do some things around the house. I thought I’d surprise my husband, who was gone for the day, and do some laundry, wash the sheets and the duvet thingy. Well, I got up and did some cleaning, took all the sheets off the bed and the duvet thingy off the comforter. Did I mention I have the easiest bed to make? I did two loads of laundry and I started to make the bed when WHAM! My body was like “OHHHHH, HELL NO!! You are not going to do that!!” Awesome. The fitted sheet is on 1/2 the bed. I’m laying on top of the bed in excruciating pain. So! Now it just looks like I made a mess and I’m too lazy to make the bed (and the real topper is you can’t even tell the sheets were washed). The best intentions… I did manage to finish making the bed, but not before my husband came home. Surprise! What a fail. I was exhausted, in pain and frustrated that I couldn’t finish what I started (I did mention I have the easiest bed to make, right?). Ever had one of those days?

Annnnyyyyyhoooooo, as you can see, I’m having one of those weeks. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. I just want to express what I’m going through. I want to know my normal is normal to others with Fibromyalgia and Depression. I want people who are in relationships with people like us to understand… you know, really get that we appreciate the help but most of all we need you to support us by understanding. Plain and simple. Understand life with FMS/Depression is what it is. We have to accept it, we want you to as well. There are no miracle cures. We may feel good today and not be able to get out of bed tomorrow. Don’t act surprised or wonder why… we have no answers. Trust me, we want answers. We want a cure. We want our independence and freedom back.

Please let me know how you are doing. Share your experiences with me. Most of all, relax.

Thanks for reading.

Stay cool!

Tamiko

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Do You Dream?

Are you are dreamer? With the amount of sleep I don’t get, I end up in that dream state a lot. I doze, I nap, I am in REM state…. I just don’t sleep-sleep like normal people. What I do … is DREAM …  in HD … vivid color!! It’s super crazy. I have been dreaming like this since I was a kid. I have dreams that have been going on, continuous or the same dream over and over again. I have these places in my dreams that I have visited many times at different ages. It is to the point where there are things that I honestly don’t know if it is real or a dream. These are moments that I will think about in a blink of an eye and then forget again (who the hell are we talking about here?). I have nightmares. My mom had an angel that she would put over my bed when I was growing up to help me sleep at night. I really loved that angel. I don’t think she realizes how much that helped me. Nightmares are the enemy.

In my dreams I visit people that have passed on. I have conversations with my friends and family about what is going on in my life today. I share ideas and life experiences like they are still with me. I wake up and I forget that they have passed on and I experience the loss all over again. I am a little better than I used to be, if I can tell myself that I am dreaming, I can sometimes prepare myself or even use my time in my dream to my advantage. Really strange, right? But there are times when I just want to lose myself in that dream and just let go… it’s dangerous. I don’t want to wake up. The pain of waking up is so deep, it will take days to recover. I know I will relive that dream over and over again. The pain from that experience, visit, unforgettable dream… one so vivid that it sometimes haunts me forever.

In my dreams I can do anything, I can go anywhere, I can see anyone.

I can fix anything, I can mend any relationship, I can overcome any challenges.

I also see myself struggle and I see others struggle and I feel and it’s not easy. It’s uncomfortable and it’s awkward and it’s real life. It’s not “dream” in the sense that it’s all nice and beautiful and wonderful and perfect. It’s a dream because I have my eyes closed and I am not awake. If I could write it out as it happens, I would do it. I would love to analyze it every day as I dream it. It’s difficult to do as I have too many of these short stories going on at the same time.

Last night I had a dream that I went to see a doctor. I checked in and wait to be called. The nurse who calls me back looks at me in an disapproving way. You know the look, the one that says “you look fine, why are you here”.  This female nurse tells me to come around and meet her at the door and she’ll take me to the back, so I walk to the other side of the counter and stand there and wait for her to open the door. As I’m standing there waiting for her to open the door, I start to feel strange. I can remember I’m holding some papers in my hand along with a book and my purse that my cousin gave me is on my shoulder. The next thing I know, I start to fall – in slow motion. I am fainting. I am falling to the ground, but I have no control, I cannot stop myself. I am going to seriously just fall on my face. This is what it feels like to faint! I can hear the people in the waiting room gasp as they hear me falling. THUD! I hit the ground. My head hits the floor and I feel sick. This is so surreal. I can smell the carpet, I can feel how hard the floor is. There is an older lady sitting in a chair just directly in front of my face, but she doesn’t know what to do. I am just embarrassed. I just fell flat on my face.

The nurse comes out the door and sees me on the floor and calls for help, “Someone call a Doctor! Damn, she fainted!”. I can feel her moving me around, but I’m not sure what she is doing. I am really not well. I recall nurses around and a man with a gurney at this point. I remember feeling the light from the windows coming in. The windows have dark brown wood around them. I am laying on the floor on my stomach and I am not able to move at all, I can feel the scratchiness of the carpet and I can smell the office. I felt really light headed and sick to my stomach. I could hear the nurse talking about getting me cleaned up… and then? I woke up.

I woke up. I was awake for about ten minutes and then it was off to another dream about visiting a girl I was best friends with when I was about eight-years old. I often dream about her and for some reason we are always going to the beach.

I wouldn’t mind dreaming so much if it would allow me to feel RESTED in the morning! My mom and my Godmother are/were dreamers. This is the gift they have both passed on to me.

Crazy, right?

Well, I can’t help what I dream. Do you dream? How do you journal your dreams? Does it help you get through your pain?

Apparently the pharmacies ran out of my pain meds in the bay area so I can’t get them until tomorrow. A week without them, how much fun am I having? Trying to be a good sport, that’s all I’m saying!!

I think my next blog will be about meds. I could use some advice on meds. Hopefully you’ll comment.

Thanks for stopping by. Look forward to your comments.

Take care and stay cool!

Tamiko

PS. The picture was taken by my daughter… pretty awesome, right?