It’s May… and I can’t believe the amount of time that has passed since I last posted something. I feel like I say that every time… You can’t possibly imagine how much this blog has helped me over the years. If you are going through a painful time, just taking the time to express yourself through this type of communication can really make a difference in your state of mind. Even if you don’t publish it (I have a lot of content that I wrote for myself and didn’t post), typing your thoughts out can help you identify your truths. When I write it helps me realize that my life is good. My life is full of blessings and love. My truth is… My life is worth living.

I am sure many of you have said to yourself, “I’m so tired of this shit, I’m ready to go…” and by “go” you know what I mean. The pain turns into little to no sleep which turns into depression which turns into difficulty being a friendly human which turns into stress which turns into more pain! That cycle is so forked up… but in the midst of all that, there are some good times. For me that goodness can wipe out the sad, painful days and make me feel human again (even friendly human!). Even if it’s only for a few days or hours, it’s worth it. My life is worth living… and so is yours.

Trust me… I definitely have my moments. I can spiral down that black hole with no notice. It would be great if there was a warning sign in my head with super bright (okay not super bright, I don’t want a migraine on top of everything else), but with flashing lights telling me to get out of the house, go breathe in some fresh air, focus on my blessings… literally anything to stop me from spiraling down that hellhole… but generally I can be pretty okay one minute and then BOOM! I’m in that space where you feel like you are watching your life from the outside and… it’s not good. It’s as if the Dementors are sucking all the hope and happiness out of me. I need a patronus… I’m thinking a mini flying elephant. Why? Because I love elephants… and why not small with some angel wings? Just for fun I did a search on an elephant patronus and this is what came up on the mugglenet:

If you are wondering… my elephant’s wings only appear when called upon…

Elephant – Elephants have a formidable presence and are respected throughout the animal kingdom. Elephants are known for their intelligence, complex social structure, methods of communication, and fiercely protecting their young. As a Patronus, the elephant is sure to scare off Dementors through sheer size and unyielding determination to protect you.

I had no idea there was a list of patronuses (patroni? patronus? what is the plural of patronus?) out there, but I’m not surprised. Lord have mercy I have digressed… Anyway, what the hell was I talking about anyway? Ahhhh, the visual of the Dementor… it’s so relevant to me because it’s exactly how I feel when I’m spriraling (which is literally about a week, if you combine all the hours, out of a month). Let me try and get this post back on track… even if there are days when I’m so depressed I can barely move or hold a conversation, the good days make my life worth living! There! That was the point I was trying to make… a bit wordy, but hopefully you get what I’m saying.

The initial direction I was going when I first started writing today is that when I had noone to talk to about my pain and I was so incredibly frustrated with the lack of medical support and information out there… I started my blog. I felt very alone. What I appreciate about using this forum is that I can type everything that’s on my mind (pretty scary), go back and edit and re-write (you should all thank me for that) and when I finally hit Publish, I feel better than when I started. My writing process involves sitting in a quiet space (usually in the dark) and typing whatever is in my head. As I go through the process I probably delete and start over a dozen times. This is the part of the process that makes me realize how good my life really is. It forces me to focus on the positive and be careful to not hang on to too much negativity. I hope that when you read this, you realize you are not alone in your pain, whether it’s mental or physical.

Think about how you are feeling today, write your thoughts down – whether it’s in a blog or in a journal… read, re-read and edit and see if it helps you focus on the positive and get rid of some of that negativity.

Thanks for stopping by and going through this journey with me.

Gentle hugz.

Tamiko