You know how one singular day can seem really long? Like you are sitting (or standing) at work and you can’t wait for the day to end? Every minute feels like an hour and every hour feels like a day… the struggle to get through the day is so hard that you wonder to yourself, “How many days like this can I possibly endure?”. My days have felt like that a lot since the beginning of the year. It’s crazy how long this stupid flare has gone on. It’s dumb, the word “flare” doesn’t even define what has been going. In the dictionary, the words used to define flare lead one to believe it’s sudden but quick… a bright light used to bring attention. Well, I’m sure all of you are well aware, the attention part is definitely correct. No way you could ignore this shit. Bright light? Not so much. Although I imagine inside my body there’s a bright light at the points where all the pain hits in my muscles and nerves. I must look like a Christmas tree inside… before Santa drops off all the wonderful gifts. Sudden but quick? Not in the least. My mom asked me the other day about being in remission. I never thought about that word, I’ve only associated that with cancer. Again, the words in the dictionary used to define that word are, “a period of time during a serious illness when the patient’s health improves“. It is fitting, but it would feel strange to use it. Although, right now I’d be ecstatic to apply that definition to myself!
Yesterday my husband and I shared our 21st wedding anniversary together… our 29th year together. A year ago, on our 20th wedding anniversary we celebrated it in the hospital. That was the day I had surgery. One I hope never to have again. But it makes me think. Time seems to go by so slow most days, while a year ago seems like only yesterday. Time is a funny thing, in one moment it can feel like it will never pass while only a moment later it feels like it’s going at warp speed. It reminds me that I need to do a much better job of living in the moment. Not worry about later today or tomorrow or ten years from now. Make the most of right now.
Our anniversary celebration didn’t go at all like we planned. We were going to go watch the sunset on the coast, enjoy some good food and maybe go for a walk along the beach. Sounds wonderful. Afternoons and evenings are the hardest for me so although I felt pretty good in the morning, by afternoon I could barely walk. So we ate in and watched TV. When I apologized to my husband later in the evening, he was not very happy with me. He constantly reminds me that what I am going through is not forever, it’s just a moment in time. We’ve had decades together and so many wonderful memories… he knows that this too shall pass and we will again be walking along the beach. I am so blessed to have this man in my life.
Which leads me to another topic. I was asked recently to contribute to a medical magazine (the kind you see while waiting at the doctor’s office) and one of the questions I was asked is how Fibromyalgia has affected me… as you can imagine, I am definitely most affected by my lack of independence. I rely on my husband for everything. He’s amazing. He takes care of everything… he cooks all the meals, keeps the house clean, makes sure the kids have everything they need and he makes sure I enjoy life. He makes me laugh every day and he supports all my trial and errors in the hopes something will ease the pain. He’s amazing. I have a lot of respect for those of you that are on your own or in a relationship where you don’t have the support you need. One of my biggest worries is what I would do if I were on my own… but right now… in this moment… I just don’t have the energy to figure that out and more important I just said two paragraphs ago I need to make the most of right now. Damn… bad habits are hard to break!
I woke up this morning feeling so blessed. I say this a lot, but I don’t think it’s possible to say it too much. Keep the folks around you that love and support you. Get rid of any negativity. It’s hard enough without having people bring you down or bring drama into your life. I believe what keeps me going is that I know, no matter what, I am loved. I have hit the lowest lows in the past few months, I have questioned my reason to live when it feels like every day is so hard… I have gone into that dark place. When I hit rock bottom I find so many reasons to end the pain… but I only need one reason to keep going. Love. That’s when I see the light shining through the darkness. Don’t let the pain and frustration take away all the moments of love and laughter you will have in your future. It’s there… it may seem out of reach at times but sometimes it’s right in front of you and all you need to do is look up.
I wish you a pain-free day and a day I hope is filled with love and laughter!