… vent, vent vent… complain, complain, complain… this is how i feel. I feel like everyday I say the same damn thing. It goes something like this…
“I am not feeling well”
“I am exhausted”
“I am in a lot of pain”
“That food was so good!” … and an hour later… “That food made me really sick”
“I don’t have the energy for that”
“My legs aren’t working” … “My hands are killing me” … “I have a migraine” … ” …
I can go on and on and literally ON! I know a lot of you folks out there feel like every time you describe to your family or those closest to you how you are feeling … it’s like a broken record. Should we lie? If I don’t tell the truth people assume that I’m feeling perfectly fine and then expectations change. The truth of the matter is, just as quickly as I forget what pain feels like, others forget what me in pain looks like. And honestly… be super-duper honest… is there ever a moment in the day when you don’t feel any pain? For me, the answer is an adamant “NO!” (I’m really not shouting at you… just making a point). So if I go with my baseline pain level and call that “fine” and then just speak to my worse than baseline symptoms, is that better? And better for who? Me? My family?
What prompted all this? Well… I’m not sure. I think it’s because I have been in a flare for months now. I’m not sure how long because at the beginning of this calendar year I, for no rhyme or reason, stopped using my calendar. I had a calendar last year that I wrote all my health stuff in… this year I just haven’t had the energy. I’m not even sure it’s a lack of energy thing as much as it is I got tired of thinking about everything. I’ll be honest… I’m kind of a mess right now. But, as I was saying, I feel like I’ve been flaring for months. I don’t recall being in a flare for this long in years. It’s just not calming down.
So, is it a burden for my family and friends to carry if I am honest about how I am feeling or is it a burden for me to keep the truth to myself? What’s the balance and where do you draw the line? I’ll tell you what. I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling like shit. I’m tired of being depressed. I’m tired of never being able to say… “I feel GREAT!”. I’m just flippin’ tired.
And now that I have vented and complained what the hell am I going to do about it? Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm, can this be one of those days where I just vent and complain? Do we get those days? I think if you talked to my husband he’d tell you I definitely have those days… but that’s not what I want to do with you folks out there who have chosen to follow my blog. We all have these shitty days, but to just vent and complain brings everyone down including ourselves. How do you get out of the pit of pain and depression? I believe you have to be kind to yourself. Acknowledge that you will have bad days and today is one of them. Tomorrow is a new day. It’s a new opportunity to have a less painful day. A less down day… one that could be a happy day. It sounds strange, but in our world of chronic pain – pain and happy go together. You cannot let the pain take your happiness away. If you don’t allow yourself to be happy while in pain… the alternative is not a life worth living.
Yesterday was a pain and happy day. I was having some issues walking, but I was determined… I couldn’t let that ruin our family day. We started the morning out playing soccer with my exercise ball in our bedroom (don’t tell the kids) – I don’t think I’ve laughed that hard in a long time (let’s just say we were almost in the market for a new tv)… followed by an awesome breakfast the kids made for Father’s Day and then we all piled in the car and spent the day together. A day which included walking… which was extremely painful. In this instance I was not about to let the pain get in the way of everyone’s happiness and just as important mine. We had a beautiful day which I managed with pain meds, laughter, joy and a lot of positive self-talk. A pain and happy day.
So back to my question… how honest should we be? Maybe I will try another approach. Maybe I’ll use the baseline approach and if I’m feeling my normal pain, I’ll say, “I’m doing good!”… I might even try to start saying, “I’m doing great!”. If I’m feeling worse than normal, I can just say “It’s not a great day”.
Our lives are not predictable. The only thing we know for sure is that there is going to be pain, we are going to be uncomfortable. We are going to have days where we want to scream and shout, stomp our feet (although that would cause more pain), and cry… but after you realize your life could be a lot worse and that you are surrounded by the best family and friends anyone could ask for… you realize how blessed you are. Today may be hard… but there’s always tomorrow.
Thanks for stopping by! I love hearing from you either by email or comments.
Stay cool and relax… Gentle hugz!
I’m with you on the “tired.” I’m just tired. I told my hubby that last night, broke down actually. It’s hard to have Happy days when you’re so consumed with pain. It’s exhausting. Nerve wrecking. Mentally debilitating. I’m happy for you that you had a great day in there. Those are so incredibly few and far between. Thanks for sharing.
I hope 2016 brings you better days. I just started tracking my moods/pain again and “exhausted” seems to be the theme of the day! I am trying to note what I am grateful for in hopes that it will balance out the negative stuff going on…
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Thanks for posting this…. I began last year with a case of vertigo that wouldn’t go away and it was absolutely horrible. Never could pin point the cause but finally convinced the doctor to check my vitamin levels and we found I had a severe vitamin D deficiency as well as b12.
Then this year I have had the worst fibro flare in my life, I was diagnosed in 1996 after years of not feeling well and always being tired or clumsy falling down stairs or walking into walls doctors always thought it was MS starting, then one doctor listened to me and my concerns and began checking for lupus, I did have a positive ANA and off to a rheumatologist I went… his response was I don’t think it’s lupus let me check this and trigger points were touched and I never knew how much pain was to be found…. so diagnosis Fibromyalgia but never did I realize what all I’d go through. I hadn’t had a severe flare since 2005 but this go around seems worse than it ever was. I can so relate to everything you said and it is great to have it written out by someone and know I’m not in this alone. I’ve had a lot of self pity days but I’ve had many I’m not missing this and paste a smile and go…. I never want anyone to see how much pain I’m in, I try to hide it but yet some days you just can’t hide the limp or the fatigue written all over your face so when I say I’m fine I’m hurting around a 6/7 or if I say I’m good I’m hurting around a 4/5 if I’m great it’s 2/3 kinda day….. life is too short to miss out on things so I will just do my best and hope to have my family supporting me….
I remember doctors thinking I had MS as well. When I was going to the doctor for my tremor they thought I might have Parkinsons. There are definitely times when I feel a small amount of relief that Fibromyalgia was and is always the final diagnosis… or in the case of the potential Parkinsons diagnosis, Essential Tremor. The numbers you give for how you are feeling is about the same for me. I don’t know what it is about this year, let’s hope it’s the worst and last flare this bad!
Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment. It makes me feel like I’m not alone as well. I hope today is a good day for you!
I take it day by day. My GP tells me mobility is the key. I work full time. It’s half term and I decided to take the week off to do stuff with the kids….I’m thinking big mistake as all I’m doing is sleeping most of the day. Restless legs the time I’m awake. I feel happier when I’m working as I’m focused and busy but I have to take holidays. Currently having physio for Sri joint inflammation also in knee and elbow don’t know how this happened or what caused it but hey it’s there and I get through it. I would love to have a day where I could hug my children without it hurting and be able to ride again. I take each day as a blessing I’m still here despite the pain and always think I’m luckier than others.
You remind me of myself. I have taken many vacations over the years with the intent of doing all kinds of stuff with the kids. Most of those vacations I have ended up spending the time at home resting. Work certainly does keep me focused and busy, but it also zaps the heck out of my energy. It’s a no choice energy dump. Even though I feel like crap I somehow focus on work, get through the day and then collapse. I know I have to work so sometimes I feel like I have this “reserve” of energy that I just keep for workdays. I look forward to retirement… but for now I also feel very blessed to have the job I have as it allows my family and I to live the life we do.
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Loved reading this because it sounds so much like me to a tee.. struggling to ignore the pain just to have a normal fun day with the family…love hearing that there realy are people out there that completely understand what we go through . I know our loved ones say they do but I don’t believe any one who don’t live with it possibly could.
Thanks for posting this…..I have been feeling the same way about always trying to figure out how to answer when someone ask how I am. Because it’s never seems to be good so you don’t want them not to wanna call you again so you end up saying good. I got to tired to lie anymore. Then I figured because God allowed me to wake up and see another beautiful day no matter how painful that it was truly GOOD!
This gave me life! I’ve been in a fog for a few weeks now. I can’t concentrate but I have 2 beautiful girls who inspire me to keep pushing. I just over having a month of pain in my feet -I walked w/a noticeable limp & could barely drive. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia in 92 b/c of my mitral valve prolapse syndrome. I’ve been on several different medications but they made me feel horrible. So, I refuse to take anything & have learned to control it over the years w/somewhat good success. I have my flare ups, but I’ve learned to manage them. I are sure I eat right & try to maintain an exercise regimen. Thank you for writing this! I get tired of pretending to me okay when I’m clearly not. No one understands & I don’t always feel like explaining that I flipping hurt & am in constant pain! God bless you & hugs to you!
I feel your pain……….I have been in a flare for weeks now also……..seems like all I do is think about pain……….BUT ……whata ya do? Lol…………..
Your blog brings me back to my all too many days with way too much pain, my fibromyalgia, days that I am so happy to be free from. I have been in remission, both pain and prescription free, from my Fibro Nemesis, for nearly 15 years. For years I tried anything and everything I could find but still the symptoms magnified—and I thought things couldn’t get any worse. Wrong.
It wasn’t until I discovered Joy of Healing that I received real help. Together we worked with the many unresolved issues and stressors in my life that I kept trying to bury but which resurfaced and made me so very ill. We also worked with a healthy diet and exercise program geared specifically for me. Eliminating most of the wheat, dairy, sugar and processed foods from my diet and exercising in the water—less impact, made a real difference in my life.
Gentle hugs and many blessings,
Hi Janet –
Thank you for sharing your experience! I am so happy that you have found a way to resolve all the symptoms, that is excellent! It sounds like you found some really great help. I definitely have to work on my diet/ exercise. You are inspiring me to work a little harder today.
Thank you, Tamiko. Feel free to contact me for whatever support I can offer.
Hi Janet, I’ve had FB for almost 10yrs and also have 5 bulging discs and scoliosis. I’m not sure where FB ends and the other begins. But, wanted to ask what made u stop the wheat dairy etc?
And why do u feel those things were the culprits? I don’t have a lot of willpower since I’ve been a milk drinker all my life and of course love bread. Plus, I care for my 77 yr old mother who thinks this is all in my head which adds to depression and makes dietary changes more difficult when she keeps buying ALL the stuff I shouldn’t eat. It’s like she wants to sabatoge me since she is in very poor health. Of course she loves me but misery loves company, ya know.. I’m new to blogging so hope I can find my way back to see if u or someone replies. I’m deparately alone.:: thanks and God Bless sincerely, Cc
I have shared this on my blog for my fellow fibromite friends :-)
Bless you :-)
You are so right in everything you write and it is just like that when I say I’m fine, I’ve noticed that some of my firends and family immediately think it’s ok to do things that would probably wipe me out and set off things as a result of overdoing it. :-o
‘Come on it’ll be great to get out & about’ about 4 or 5 times and I end up giving in to keep the peace because I find repeating myself really annoying! LOL
I do, like you, have to be really sharp with the No’s in order to get them to stop. I can understand their frustrations it can’t be easy for them either but the frustration is worse for me because I hardly leave the house. The criticism of not ‘getting out more’ like I choose to stay inside ;)
I understand you :-)
TY for that and sending fibro monster fighting fluffie hugs to you :-)
Thank you! I love the fibro monster fighting fluffy… that’s super cool. :)
I hope you are finding ways to be happy and do fun/ relaxing things – even if you have to do them at home. Hang in there!