faith

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should i call this a fibromyalgia “flare down”? whatever it is… i like it!

i have been feeling really good the last six days. six days of relatively average, level 4-5 pain days. thanksgiving day was the first day i felt really good. friday i spent the day scrapbooking and i felt really good. saturday was up and down… sunday was just okay, i had some serious foot problems but thankfully my husband was home to help me through it. monday is usually the day that all hell breaks loose in my body so i was pretty worried…. i waited and waited and let me tell you. i made it! it was a good day. in fact, it was a really good day, all things considered. i had a clear head yesterday and my pain level was about a 5. i have not had a day with a pain level below 7 in many months. did you read that?? i said months! and a clear head? it felt like i went to the store and exchanged myself for someone new! what the hell is going on?

do i call this great thing a “flare down“??

today… well today was a big day for me. for all you fibromites out there, you can relate to this… i took a shower this morning and i still had energy after. i had to slow it down a bit (i got a little too happy and forgot that i actually HAD fibromyalgia for a second and completely overdid it) but i kept going. i got in my car and drove for the first time in many, many months. i drove up to the san francisco airport to pick up my boss and back down to santa clara for a meeting… i was in the office all afternoon and then out for dinner with the staff. this was a big deal for me. i have not been this active and driving since… well i honestly can’t remember! even better, i had a clear head all day… again!  again i say… what the hell is going on?

do i call this great thing a “flare down“??

at about 8:15 tonight while sitting at the dinner table… i started to feel the nudges and the tension and the bruised feeling and i thought to myself… “go away!… i am feeling good! i am feeling good!… noooooooooooooo!!… not fair!!!!!!!!!!” but i can feel the pain coming. so, i quickly decided to call it a night and come home.

now that i’m home, i can feel my elbows and knees tightening up and hurting and i’m getting pissed off. i need to do some self talk. i can feel my fingers starting to hurt as i type, my head is hurting and all i can think is “eff this shit! i am going to feel good when i get up tomorrow! nothing can stop me!”.

so did i have a “flare down”?? did i have six great average level 4-5 pain days for no reason at all?? well when i think about it … all the nights were pretty painful, the meds helped me sleep through it. i wake up and go back to sleep because of the meds… so… i’m going to think like this for right now:

  • i am having some really great days right now.
  • my nights are painful, but my meds are doing the job and helping me get some rest and when i wake up i go back to sleep so, for now, my insomnia is under control. this is great news!!
  • i probably overdid it today which is why i’m experiencing pain right now.
  • tomorrow is going to be a great day.
  • i may not be where i want to be… but thank God i’m not where i used to be!
  • i have the courage to change what i can and i will accept what i cannot… it is what it is…

my formula for getting here to my “great days”:

  • a whole lot of prayer
  • listening to my teachings by joyce meyer and pastor paul
  • my physical therapy and following through with it at home
  • a whole lot of prayer
  • the support from my family and friends
  • the support from the fibro social networking community
  • a whole lot of prayer

if  i can do this… so can you!

what do you think? “flare down”?? fluke??

thanks for reading! stay cool!

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is this fibromyalgia stuff catchy??

contagiousi know fibromyalgia is not contagious… but you would have really thought it was in my house this past couple of weeks…

i gotta tell you, God works in interesting ways… the last few months, my husband must have really really wanted to know what it felt like to be me. i mean he must have really been saying to himself (in bold and underlined one hundred times if this web editor allowed me):

husband: “i wish i knew what it felt like to be in pain 24/7 and not be able to sleep”

[pretend insert me saying, to myself of course:  “what a complete idiot!“]

God’s response: “some wishes are really just too easy to pass up!”

… and so begins the best blog topic to come to mind!

my wonderful husband has a pinched nerve in his neck/ shoulder area… we think. aha! so begins the quest for the real diagnosis… sound familiar? anyone? anyone?

about a month ago, while starting the mower and pulling that damn string or whatever the hell you call it, he pulled or pinched something. this started in the shoulder and then moved up to his neck, down his arm and now his finger is numb. he’s been to the primary dr. who told him he had a pinched nerve and gave him prednisone and vicodine. he felt pretty good for a week while on the meds… well… after the week, he stops the meds and boom! he feels like crap because he stops the prednisone and now he’s feeling the pain of withdrawal and pain of … well… pain! we’ve all been there.

meanwhile… i have started my new meds and while still having sleep issues, when i actually do sleep, i sleep very hard. you can’t wake me up unless you turn the house upside down. i am scary asleep… like he tells me he’s watched t.v., kids coming in and out of the room, lights are on, crazy loud in the room and i am sleeping through all of it!

strangely enough he has become the light sleeper and the one who cannot sleep. he is the one getting up in the middle of the night because the dog and i are snoring in stereo on each side of him. he is in pain and now he’s getting up, leaving the room and sleeping on the couch. what the hell is going on here?

he has now become a walking zombie. shit. now there are two of us in the house. we can’t really afford this. i mean, i’m high maintenance as it is. my husband does everything in the house and he keeps it all together. he is everything to me. what do i do if my everything is broken? i’m already broken. we can’t both be broken… can we? this fibro shit is not cool. and i’ll be damned if all of a sudden it’s contagious… noone told me it was contagious! i gotta tell you, he even had a little bit of the foggy brain… i was getting a little scared! two of us in the house with foggy brain? the kids would be running the house… ummmmmm, halo3 24/7 in one room and texting, tv and facebooking in the other. we better get our shit together! thankfully his foggy brain only lasted about 8 hours. enough time for him to get a complete understanding of what it felt like to be me.

start of week 2 of my ever complaining, can’t take the pain, husband… (did i just say that?)… and he is in some real pain (truth be told, he is in real pain, i do know and most importantly believe that). he calls the dr. and they tell him to come in for a follow-up appt. he told his dr. that he shouldn’t be in this much pain (good for him for putting his foot down with his dr!) and the dr. gave a referral for him to see a rheumatologist and to come back to see him to get a lidocaine shot which will take the pain away…. however when he sees the rheumatologist, she tells him his dr. should not have given him prednisone and that the source of the pain was in his neck not shoulder, blah blah blah… end of the day… he still doesn’t have a diagnosis. and those damn shots didn’t help a bit. can we fibro people relate? hell yeah!

he says to me… “i understand how you feel. i know this is small in comparison to what you feel, if God wanted me to know… i got the point! i can’t believe you have to go through this everyday… ”

i never would have wished it on him or anyone else. it definitely makes a difference that he understands, but i don’t want him to feel pain. emotional or physical.

i find it interesting that this has occurred. anyone else have this happen in their relationship?

thanks for reading! stay cool.

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i have faith. i will overcome this disability!

I am disabled.

Wow.

I am a proud owner of a handicap placard.

Woot! Woot!

Is that how I am supposed to feel?

Yeah! I get preferred parking now when I go shopping! Hell yeah!

Let me tell you how it really goes down…

In the morning when I get up

this is how i feel…..

i wake up and

i feel tired and

in pain and

i slowly get out of bed after about 30 minutes (if i’m lucky) and

i get my laptop so i can work and

i sit down on my bed and

i start my work day and

my beautiful husband brings me coffee and toast and

i take my medication and

i drink my coffee and

i eat my toast and

by noon i am exhausted. i am already exhausted!!!

my brain can hardly focus and

i’m pretty damn frustrated because i know that it wasn’t that long ago that i was damn good at my job and seriously?

this fibro fog sucks!

i attempt to eat lunch, which these days ends up being my one real meal of the day after my toast and

then i attempt to work again and

i end up playing facebook games and

twittering and

now it’s dinner time and

i sit with the family and

i’m not hungry so we talk about our day and

after i go back to bed and

i attempt one more time to work and

again fibro fog and

again facebook games and

again twitter and

now it’s time for my night time meds and

i can’t sleep so i write my blog and

at the end of the day

this is

what i know for sure

regardless of anything else

i am blessed. i. am. blessed.

i am alive and

for today, i am able to work and

i have my family and friends to support me and

who believe in me and

i have faith.

i have faith that i will get better.

i will make myself a better person and

i will do my physical therapy and

i will eat healthy food and

i will educate people on fibromyalgia and

i will take my medication and

i will overcome this disability!

what else do i know?

if i can do this?

anyone can!

having the preferred parking ain’t what it’s cracked up to be… i’d rather walk the extra distance.