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Day 7: TUI… Talking Under the Influence

Do you TUI? I was thinking in the car today about the effect pain has on my communication. I realized I TUI, “Talk Under the Influence” and that’s not really a good thing. I’m talking about under the influence of PAIN. Sometimes it’s mental pain, but most of the time it’s physical. I get that there are not a lot of moments when I am not in some kind of pain. I try to manage my way through and be the best person I can, but being my “best” does not always result in … well… even a “decent” conversation by any standard.

So what happens? Most the time I fake my way through conversations, I have talked about that before. That works in most situations. Where it doesn’t work is in my relationship with my family. I generally muddle through and after think to myself, “Why did I say that?” or better still, “What did I just say?”. These moments are not fun for anyone. Reacting in a negative way to a simple question or blowing up over nothing… a better word to use would be – OVER reacting. In this situation everyone is frustrated. My kids look at me like I’m an alien from another planet, while I’m wondering (in the moment) “What the HELL is going on??”. I know I’m under the influence when the conversation goes:

Me: Please go XYZ

Child: ok

Me (5 minutes, okay maybe 2 minutes later): Why haven’t you XYZ?

Child: Chillax mom

Me: WHAT? What did you say to me? Why are you talking to me like that? Why haven’t you done what I told you to? When are you going to do it? Screw it. You’re grounded!

Child: Why do you always get so mad at me? I didn’t even do anything!

Me: … well words can’t really explain how I feel at that moment, mostly I think my heads going to pop off my neck at that point… until about 10 minutes later when I’m sitting there, alone. Wondering… wondering what the hell just happened.

Talking Under the Influence can really hit at anytime. I don’t usually know I’m doing it. The most telling factor is when I’m mid-sentence or mid-thought and I forget what I’m saying or even what the conversation is about. I can’t figure out the next word. Foggy brain in the purest form.

I get that relationships are challenging under normal circumstances. Add in a chronic illness, both pain and depression, and it’s not really a recipe for success. It takes patience and hard work. Work requires energy, which most of the time is non-existent (I’m talking about never having energy… work? That’s always there!). A pretty dismal picture when you think about it. I’m sure I’m not the only one who wants to give up at times. You have to really play the entire movie out at this point… so…. you throw in the towel, what do you have left? In my case, I’d lose my support system… but most importantly I’d lose the love of my life. Is it possible to start over or maybe even… refresh a relationship? To give up, to me, means that I have let this shit win. I won’t allow that. I realize most relationships end over issues with communication. I know this is always going to be a challenge, given our circumstances… the bottom line is I have a choice. I have a choice whether or not to give up and walk away (albeit slowly walking with a cane) or to fight for what is important and totally and completely worth saving. Don’t give in to those bad moments, step away and start over and try again. I have to keep the faith and fight (crazy expression… fight, that’s what got me into this situation to begin with, isn’t it? :).

It’s challenging to live life within the rules, dreams and goals I have for myself, when this outside shit keeps wanting to take over. I can have a great day, get out and about and have a fun joy-filled day… almost always, the following few days are filled with pain reminding me what I have… as if I’d forget. It’s most difficult to keep my head up during those days. I get angry and frustrated and it certainly doesn’t motivate me to keep going. I can spiral down that slide to the bottom of the well, far easier than I can climb myself out of it. It’s non-nonsensical. It’s important to keep perspective. What do I have in my life? I have family and friends who love me, I have the best kids in the world (I really do) and a wonderful husband. Things are tough and will be tough, once again it’s how you get through this shit that makes the difference.

I may TUI, but if the people around me realize what I’m working with, I just keep praying they’ll continue to love and support me. Keep in mind, if you can look back and realize the moments when you TUI, it may help you understand where things may have gone wrong in a conversation. Admitting that out loud to the people who you have had those conversations with… well, that’s another story! :)

Best of luck. Thanks for reading!

Gentle hugz.

Tamiko

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Day 6: Myfoggybrain Haiku

I’m on day 6 of this Health Activists Writer’s Month Challenge. So far, so good. I am loving that folks are reading and it’s been nice to have something to look forward to at the end of the day. This was a fun exercise for me. I don’t think I’ve written a Haiku since I was in elementary school. I had to relax my brain enough to allow a bit of creativity. I hope you can relate!

Frustrated again

Depressed, exhausted, in pain

New day tomorrow

Family – Friends – Love

Beautiful life without pain

Faith – Strength – Patience – Joy

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Day 5: Ekphrasis Post… WHAT? Ekphrawhatis?

I am participating in the Health Activist Writer’s Month Challenge. Please visit WEGO Health’s blog and the WEGO Facebook page to find other writers tackling the same topics—or sign up for the challenge yourself!

 

Ekphrasis… what the heck does that mean? That was my first question when I saw this prompt for today. So, of course I looked it up and here’s the definition, “a literary description of or commentary on a visual work of art“. So! Now that we are all on the same page… here’s my post for today… enjoy!

The instructions for this posting was to go to flickr.com/explore and write a post inspired by the image. I searched and searched and searched for a photo that inspired me. I was getting frustrated over the whole thing when I realized I am way more inspired by pictures I already have… sometimes you just gotta rebel and do your own thing.

This picture is of my parents on one of our family vacations when I was growing up. It is one of my absolute favorites! Our vacations were spent in a cabin… no tv, no electronics. We played cards and read and just hung out together. Together. What a wonderful concept!

Look at my mom’s feet. They don’t touch the ground!!!! I laugh every single time I look at this photo.

They have been married over 50 years and that alone, is inspiring. Marriage is hard, or I should say… marriage is hard — WORK! That stuff in the movies is so romantic and funny and yes, sometimes, heart wrenching…  marriage is some of that, but let’s be real here… it’s not a romantic comedy most days. Most days marriage requires work. Respect. Love. Trust. and for those of us with chronic pain, with depression, with any chronic health issue – marriage is not easy. The one with the health issues is struggling to get through each day while really trying not to be selfish/ self absorbed… the spouse is trying to support while not complain – in the end both are trying not to build up resentment. The healthy one for having to do everything, including being the relationship cheerleader and the unhealthy one for not having as much freedom as one would like. I am quite sure many marriages do not survive. I am blessed… I have my parents to look to for advice and inspiration and I have a beautiful, loving and supportive husband.

This picture also inspires me with the desire to spend time with my husband and family doing things that don’t require spending a lot of money or even go too far. It makes me want to grab up my fam and go outside and take a hike or picnic.

Most of all… this picture makes me smile and remember some really fun family times growing up. I hope my children have memories like this when they have their families.

I want to be healthy and be able to go on family vacations and take long walks and swim and dance and run on the beach… managing my pain and mental health will, one day, get me there.

Thanks for reading! Stay cool and pain-free.

Tamiko

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Day 4: I write about my health because…

I am participating in the Health Activist Writer’s Month Challenge. Please visit WEGO Health’s blog and the WEGO Facebook page to find other writers tackling the same topics—or sign up for the challenge yourself!

Writing about my health has helped me in so many ways. When I first started this blog, I was at a very low point. I had been in pain for a very long time and just recently received confirmation that I had Fibromyalgia. I had been living with ADD and depression for a long time and the news was pretty devastating for me. Writing was very cathartic. I felt so empowered when I hit the “publish” button. Whenever I received (and I feel this way today) comments I was over the moon! There were people out there that could actually relate to what I was saying… and all of a sudden I wasn’t so alone. I have gone through some really f’ed up times. When you get down to it, those of us who have been diagnosed with any type of illness that does not have a cure or one that flares up unexpectedly (or if you have depression drops you to an all time low unexpectedly)… you have moments where you feel there is no hope.

I have sat down and written at those low moments. It gives me perspective. I know if I post a blog, there are specific folks who are always there to hold me up with their comments. When I write when I have made it through a rough patch and talk about my experience and how I got through it – I feel awesome knowing that it has helped someone. I have uplifted someone else. There really is no better feeling.

I write for myself and I write for others. Any one of you who know someone who is living with pain (physical or emotional) or if it is yourself… you know how hard it is to make it through each day. I have found with writing I may start a post with a really negative vibe. As I read and re-read it, I realize that is not the message I want to convey. I don’t want to spread negativity. The process of writing makes me realize that things are not as bad as I thought fifteen minutes ago. It’s a type of kick in the butt that I need to get out of a funk. Self-realization through writing. Wow. Crazy, but it works for me.

Thanks so much for stopping by, please leave me a comment and let me know how you are doing today.

Stay cool and hope you all are having a pain-free day!

Tamiko

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Day 3: Superpower Day… Loving Yourself

I am participating in the Health Activist Writer’s Month Challenge. Please visit WEGO Health’s blog and the WEGO Facebook page to find other writers tackling the same topics—or sign up for the challenge yourself!

If I had a superpower what would it be?

The power to heal. The power to heal would be so amazing. Just thinking about it makes my head spin. That was my initial thought when I started writing. I have written and re-written this a few times. It was sorta like… “This is a no brainer, the power to heal! What more is there to say?” I kept thinking and thinking and at the end of each little writing session, I was a little frustrated and kept wanting to just toss this posting in the garbage. I’m not sure why this question was so difficult for me.

I am sitting here watching Oprah’s Master Class and Reba McIntyre was on… and something about her vibe made me realize… I know what my superpower would be! Yes, the power to heal would be awesome and there are sooooooooo many people I would use that power on. When I was thinking about this super power ability and the power of healing was on my mind… I started making lists of all the people I want to heal. But for some reason, it didn’t give me the answer I was looking for.

As I am sitting here watching the Oprah show, I realize I want the power to give people value and self-love. I would love to be able to give people the ability to wake up in the morning and go to sleep at night knowing they matter. No matter what challenges are faced in life, at the end of the day – they always see the glass half full. Anxiety, depression, judgement and insecurity don’t live here. They may not love their job or understand why they have been dealt the cards in life they have, but that doesn’t poison their view of life. Self-love is not selfishness or self-absorbed. Self-love is loving yourself for who you are, understanding there’s room for improvement and building your character in a more awesome way along the journey. I also believe this drives acceptance and understanding of everyone around you. This, to me, would be amazing.

So! There you have it. Day 3 of this month of blogging and I think I’m doing alright so far. :) Thanks for reading! Please leave your thoughts, I love to read them!

Stay cool and here’s hoping for a pain-free day!

Tamiko

P.S. The prompt for today reminded me of a prior post I wrote: Fibromyalgia and Doing “IT ALL”… What Do You Think? I still want that invisible plane!