This Too Shall Pass… I Am Blessed.

Wow… Where have I been? It’s been over two months since I have written something… and to be totally honest, it’s been over almost that long since I have even visited my blog page. Six months ago, if someone would have said I would let that let that much time pass without viewing my page, I would have just ignored them because I would have thought to myself “NO Flippin WAY!”. Well, it’s true. Now that I’m here, that old familiar feeling is back. It’s the middle of the night, I’m sitting in the dark, on the couch with just the dim light from my laptop…. except this time… same couch – different house.

Where do I start? My life, my life, my life… Lord, I know You do not shoulder more than one can bear… I. Just. Am. So. Very. Tired. I really do try not to complain, I know there are people so downtrodden and their lives really suck, I know I have no right to complain…

Here’s the deal… let me bottom line it for you… I feel like I am starring in a country song where you play it backwards to figure out everything that has been lost (I should win an award for this one!)… I am just not mending… I don’t even know how to mourn anymore. I know hospital emergency rooms and intensive care units up and down the west coast and unfortunately so do my children. What started out as a good learning situation for my children when they were young, has turned out to be a continuous cycle of “Whose Funeral Are We Going to This Month?” … Scarred for life.

Where the hell was I going with this? Oh yeah… I was bottom lining it… let me get back to it…

So! Important in a Chronic Pain Patient’s life… Truth. Honesty. Well in anyone’s life, but more so in a chronic pain person’s life because you spend your entire life explaining your pain to people who do not believe you!

Shortly after the passing of my very close friend Steve’s passing, I lost my Godfather which seemed “suddenly” to me (way too soon as I just really wanted more time!)… Very close after that… we had a traumatic experience with a dog that we were really hoping to adopt (all of my 4-legged blogger friends would totally relate to my experience but Lumpy is in a happy home now!) Well, my son entered college and turned 18 and then my husband and I found out we needed to move out of our house we had lived in for over 10 years. We had less than 2 weeks to vacate. So! I found us a house to rent and we packed up our memories and our furniture and moved to our new “home”. That was the 1st week of November… and did I tell you I was on disability and went back to work the second week of September?

For those of you that were around my blog last year… I was blessed to get out and help pick the tree this year and my husband and I trimmed it this year!

I have this horrible feeling there is a big ass dam inside my body somewhere secret stored up and it’s just going to open up one day… God help the folks that are around on that day. Poor souls… I have a huge smile on my face right now… because Lord knows, all you can do is smile when you think about the poor souls who will have to deal with my ass when I unload on them!

So, now that you are caught up with where I have been and what I have been up to since the last time I blogged….

After all I have been through…

my family still makes me laugh at least once or five or ten times a day.

My parents are still with me and I thank God every single day for this.

I am blessed.

I still have my brothers, sisters and their families and my friends and their families around me.

I am blessed.

I still have my five senses.

I am blessed.

(Ummm I did not say I HAVE sense, don’t get crazy here).

My husband still wakes up every morning and goes to sleep to me.

I am truly truly blessed.

I have fibromyalgia, ADHD and chronic depression and yes…

I am blessed.

For me, it is important to remind myself to remember what I have and to do my best to stay positive. Please be positive with me. There’s enough negativity out there…

Thanks for reading! Stay cool…. and God bless all of you and Happy Holidays!

Who is Your Lighthouse? Every Fibromite Needs At Least One…

sometimes life is not what it seems. these days, every day feels that way to me. i am not working right now due to my medical situation, my blogger friends will know without a doubt why… but i feel guilty. i can’t quite work out my emotions. this is not a vacation, this is not time to work, this is time to heal. wow. time to heal. i say it out loud and i still can’t believe it. if i do things that i believe are healing for me, i still don’t feel right. this is crazy. i am a grown adult. i am lost.

i can remember the moment the words came out of my mouth. “my doctor has taken me off work.” from that moment on, there was no turning back. i was both scared shitless and relieved at the same time. so many questions going through my head, i couldn’t turn the volume down.

  • would i be able to heal?
  • would i have a job to come back to?
  • what does this mean?
  • how is this going to effect my friends at work?
  • what will my children think of me?
  • can i make this change?
  • how will my husband handle yet another burden on his already heavy load?

question after question just kept coming up and before i could answer another question would come up… and then all the forever questions… oh shit what will i do if something happens to my husband? i can’t take care of myself, much less my children… why the hell did this happen to me? why now? why did my friend just pass away without giving me the chance to talk to him just one more time to hear his crazy ass laughter? why can’t i pick and choose when i want to be in pain? why can’t it be obvious that i have a medical condition so people will know i am not okay? (i mean… seriously, i much prefer to look anti-social at parties… that is so much better! [btw, i just told my daughter that sarcasm is bad]  i always end up sitting in one place or better yet even… like today, having to take a nap because the pain was so bad… nice!) i know this is why many of my chronic pain friends do not go out, but that is not the solution. i want to go out and be with friends and family…

warning – i digress here….

i am watching my children, nieces, nephews, and their friends grow up and what a generation we have coming up around us! these. children. amaze. me. their determination, assertiveness, independence… they have it all. they have grown up with so much technology and knowledge compared to what we grew up with. they have access to so much more information at their fingertips… and they access it and use it with ease… we have raised some strong-minded youth. they know what they like, what they want and by the time they can vote … they will not hesitate to make their opinions known. it’s an interesting time. for me personally, sometimes i just want to scream, i get so frustrated trying to raise my children. they know what they want, have so much knowledge, i can’t battle them – don’t have the energy to fight them. most the time i just want to hold them so tight and not let go. i know they will leave me soon and i will only see them when they want to visit. my time with them will be  solely on their terms. their time with me so far has been on my terms. the rest of their life will definitely be on their terms…. how did i get to this topic? hmmmmm…. just typing and this is what came off the top of my head.

and now back to my original post…

as you can see, i am having a very difficult time focusing in one area. i am struggling to wade through this quicksand of emotions. i am trying to journal again. i thought that it would help me “find myself” so to speak. so far not a word on paper in my new pretty journal. zip. nada. nothing. the big zero. “How to Find the Inner You”, “How to Redefine Your Life”, “Where are You?”, “The Map to the Real You”, “The True You”, “This is Your Real Life”, “Your Life Begins Now”, “Life After Chronic Pain”, “Redefining the New You”… etc. all titles of books that would really help me now… if they existed (and they probably do, i just don’t want to pay the price for them, i mean,  after the title, what the hell do I want with them?) i have no patience to read a self-help book… i am just really trying to find a way to get myself to stop! write what i’m feeling down! and listen! and really… is this possible? i have journaled all my life, but for some reason, it really is asking a lot of me. you’ll just have to take my word on this one. (by the way, if you are thinking of writing a book and you were planning on using one of those titles above… ummmmm…. go for it. i’ll just take a one time cut. :) i know God has a path for me already written, i just need to stop! and listen! to Him. i never was very good at listening… my husband can definitely vouch for this. (oh man! did i really just put that in writing?)

so… why the lighthouse image for my blog this week? i’ll tell you why. two beautiful women celebrate their birthdays this week. i look to these women to provide safety in the dark for me and they have no idea how much they save me on a continual basis. one beautiful woman because she is and has been my best friend for the past 20+ years and has been there for me through thick and thin and even though i know i don’t call as much as i should… just knowing if i ever need anything i know she is there.  she gave me the very very best gift of all, my beautiful goddaughter. i would never have made it to this point in my life, if not for her love and strength… i would not be who i am without her in my life. she taught me how to be a professional, how to know and appreciate God, how to be a parent, how to be a girly-girl and without her in my life i would not have been so honored and blessed to know and love her Mother (and yes that is with a capital “M”!)… it would take a lifetime to just say how much she has blessed my life.

the second beautiful woman because through the friendship of our children, i have been blessed with the friendship of this woman. she has given of her heart over and over and over again and always ever so quietly. there is no way i would have survived the last six years without her friendship. she has a calming effect on me the moment i know she is around. her thoughtfulness, sense of humor, no bullshit attitude is so awesome! i look forward to strengthening our friendship with each birthday we celebrate.

they are my lighthouse in the storm that can be my life. dependable, steady… always there. i celebrate them. i hope that all of you have a lighthouse in your life. there are definitely a few other folks who are in this category who i will celebrate in a later blog…

thank you for reading! stay cool… please let me know how you are doing, leave a comment and let me know what’s on your mind.

take care and here’s a gentle hug for all my chronic pain readers.

tamiko

PS. Thank you so much to everyone!! I just passed 3000 hits to my blog this past week… that is too amazing… THANK YOU!!!

I Am Enlightened… My Son is Graduating! I Can Do This, RIGHT?

Being a parent is so easy… When I was pregnant, I read all the books, I took in all the advice, I did EVERYTHING right… I was soooo prepared!! Man, I am the perfect parent!! Just call me and I will tell you all the answers. I am the leading advisor on all parenting issues.

Yeah, right!!! Ask my kids, they will tell you the real truth. My son is graduating from high school in a couple weeks and last night we had our “what are your plans for the summer conversation”. I am enlightened. I shouldn’t really call it a conversation. It was more of a one-way talk/defensive-response. I mean, I’m under no crazy assumptions here, I know I am not, let’s just say your Claire Huxtable/Mrs. Brady type of momma … but on the other hand I am also not your get-ready-for-primetime-Jerry-Springer-show momma either. I am smoothly on the side of “living-with-fibromyalgia-so-can’t-do-it-all-so-I-do-my-best-and-it’s-not-always-the-most” kind of mom. I am not sewing Halloween costumes or baking cookies or to be frank, doing laundry or making dinner or to really put it out there… cleaning the house or driving the children around. Are you still with me? Or did y’all quickly leave my post in disgust… that’s me, take me or leave me… I work full-time+, generally about 50-60 hours a week as a, let’s see my title this week is “Sales Operations Analyst”. I have two managers … I report to a Sr. Director of Global Operations and the VP of Sales at a hugemongous (yes I made that word up… and I like it!) corporation that is taking over the world one company at a time. I have worked full time since I was about 16. That’s 25+ years working full time, I’m just slightly tired sometimes. Until FMS hit me, I was definitely that type A personality. Now I am a type “a” personality… just give me the little “a”.

So, having said all that (remember… easily distracted)… I am enlightened. This is a difficult time for me. I want to stop the clock and just say “Wait a minute. I just want some you and me time to just chill. I know you are leaving, but I want to just hold on to you a little bit longer…” He, on the other hand, is ready to GO. I remember that time. I could not wait to get out of the house. I wanted to go, get out and not look back. This is a difficult conversation. Any words said between parent and child can be pretty hurtful.

Us. “We want you to get a job. We understand you are making money on your own, but we also want you to get some experience, have some structure, learn how to take direction within a management team, etc.”

Him: “ummmm, whatever. I don’t agree. I’d rather just hang out with my friends.

Us. “We know you are going out with your friends, we just need to say this so it’s been said… please make right choices about getting in the car with people who are driving under the influence”

Him: “I choose smart friends, why would they do that? I don’t appreciate you assuming they would do that.”

Us: “We just want to tell you our expectations for when you go to college, just on our mind…”

Him: “Why? Can’t you just tell me on our way when you drop me off in like three months, this makes no sense… I mean, why do you need to tell me now?”

Us: “You are graduating from school, you have a lot more time to contribute to the house, both inside and out. We would appreciate it if you would help out. These are not chores, these are things that need to be done, that we may ask you to do. You don’t have any chores that you do, so would ask that you help out a lot more until you leave.” (An alternative was given to pay instead of helping out…)

Him: “I’d rather pay than help.”

Anyway, I’m sure this is not drastically different than a lot of kids, but honestly. Selfishly, and I mean this, selfishly… life at work is so hard, why does life with him have to be so hard? He is so defensive and argumentative about everything that he disagrees with. He cannot discuss calmly, he just goes for the jugular. Aw well…

He was honest. He told us he’d rather spend his summers staying at the college than coming home… He said it’d be more fun staying at the beach with friends hangin’ out than coming home and getting nagged. Wow. That was enlightening. This kid has zero chores. I made a mistake somewhere not giving him chores and sticking to my guns on that one. Now any chore he is asked to do is an issue. On the other hand, this is also not so hard to understand. I would have felt the same way at his age. It’s is just hard to hear.

I am enlightened. Since he was a small child, he has been so stubborn. Very hard headed… to the point that we took him to counseling. I think I get it. Now. Just this moment. He is very serious about his stuff. Since he was a small child all the counselors have always said, “take away what’s important, whether that’s material or something like privacy, ie. remove the door from his room”. We have done that all his life. Now he pretty much hates us for taking that action. He KNOWs his stuff will get taken away, yet he will not give a shit. At the end of the day, he is pissed at us for all the shit we have taken away in his life. Still pissed. He remembers everything. So, why did he push it to the extreme? Why did we let things go so far? Life lessons. There is no damn “this is what you should do in this situation” reference book for each individual child.

In our children and godchild’s lifetimes, we have done our best as parents. We have made mistakes. We will continue to make mistakes. That is how life works. I know this, I accept this. It is painful for everyone involved. This is how we all grow.

I do know, my miracle child is smart, he is a genius to me, he is going to go exceedingly far in life. I am so proud of him. I love him. I trust he will make the right choices. That doesn’t mean I won’t worry, that’s just part of our DNA as parents, right?

Now begins the countdown… Lord have mercy. I can do this. He is ready. I will be too. He is a strong boy and when he walks out that door, he will be a b-b-b-….MAN! He’s been prepared. It takes a village and those he has been around the last 17 years have all given him the tools he has needed to become who he is. It’s up to him to take all of that and take the next step.

Y’all pray for me and give me your support… I already miss him!

Stay cool!