depression

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2012, Here I come!

2012… Damn, how did it become 2012 so fast? Aren’t cars flying in the air now? Doesn’t everyone have robots that do everything? Do we all live in space? Oh wait, that’s the Jetsons. When I was growing up I really thought that stuff would come true in my lifetime. I gotta tell you, I’m glad it didn’t! Remember how people thought the world was going to end in 2000 and again in 2012? I’m very happy those predictions didn’t come true!

Life brings many interesting changes… smart phones and the quality of the picture in HDTV‘s much less these new fangled tv’s that are 3d? It is just insane! I watched Rise of the Planet of the Apes last night and I must say… it was really good. I also thought the first one years ago was pretty good at the time I watched it… I don’t necessarily believe re-makes are a good thing, but this movie, this change was good. Remember how you had to actually talk on the phone? Oh yeah, and the phone was connected to a wall so you also had to stand in the kitchen in most homes, unless you were lucky enough to have one in your room. I do wish many times that my children had to use those phones instead of the mobile phones… but I can’t complain about that, those mobile phones have saved me many times.

Where am I going with this? Well… like the world, like technology, like life… my conditions change. Sometimes it’s not so good, but these days I am doing okey dokey. I started back on an anti-depressant (I think I already told you), some things I have to accept. One of those is my depression is not something I am able to manage very well naturally. I felt GREAT being off all the drugs, but I started to feel really depressed. I know you all know what I mean. I talked to my doctor and we agreed it was time to get medical… I mean medicinal… you know…. back on a drug. Taking a drug, the simple fact I had to flippin’ take a drug, depressed me – but I had to accept it’s okay. It’s okay to take something to help make me not have those crazy ass thoughts that we all run away from. Okay we don’t run, most of us, because running is a bit challenging :). We all walk quickly away from (some of us have our own version of a quick walk which for perfectly fit folks may be considered a slow walk – but hey! We gotta be proud of what we can do). Let’s be real… if you have depression you just sink into these thoughts and they grow like a fog around you and it just gets thicker and thicker until you are completed consumed and you can no longer see blue skies and feel the laughter anymore. So! This is why I am taking an anti-depressant. I am taking the short life Wellbutrin and it’s all going okay. It wasn’t great when I first made this decision, I started by taking Prozac and that just made me feel like a slug with no obsessive thoughts. I switched and now I’m feeling alright. It’s all about managing and accepting change.

If you have Fibromyalgia, ADD, and/or Major Depression like I do, you should be a professional at managing change. Certainly doesn’t mean we enjoy or want change – it’s just a part of our daily lives. If we have plans and we wake up feeling like shit… well? We have to make the best of staying at home and enjoying some down time. We have tried every medical and natural cure, or better said, “fix all” out there. Each time we go through the expectations of taking something new and the outcome and reality that there is no cure today (notice I said “today”). This is managing change at its best (or worst as the glass is half full goes). Everyone with a medical condition faces these types of challenges.

I take each day as it comes and I do my best to appreciate my good days, be thankful for the awesome things in my life and accept change. This is certainly not easy. One of the awesome things I am most thankful for is my support from family (including the 4-legged ones) and friends. I have the most amazing group of folks in my life!! They are all going through their own trials, whether medical or emotional, and I only hope I can be as good to them as they are to me.

2012 is going to be another year of change. It’s going to be awesome because I am going to make it awesome. I hope you do the same.

Please let me know how you are doing, I love hearing from you!

Keep on reading and stay super cool. :)

Tamiko

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The Progress We Have All Made… Fibromites Unite!

I woke up this morning thinking about my blog. I cannot believe I started writing this 2 years ago. I realized, from reading my old posts, that I have come a long way. When I say “Fibromyalgia“, I don’t get as many blank stares, my doctors at Kaiser all “get it” now and I feel like my support system is pretty good. Not just pretty good… Damn good! I hope if you take some time to think back… you can see the progress you have made, that your support system is good, that you can see more blue skies days than dreary grey days.

I cannot believe that I have had over seven THOUSAND, seven HUNDRED hits on my blog!! WTF?? I mean, seriously, if you only knew. When I first started writing, I remember looking at other blogs and seeing how many hits they had and just wishing I could get someone to read my blog. I was so happy when I hit 100! To have had so many folks stop by and read for the last two years is truly amazing. I really appreciate it, I love to get comments and read what other people’s lives are like. It’s so important to me to know I’m not alone. I’m not crazy (okay, the jury’s still out on that), I’m not in this crazy painful world, going through these always new and UNexciting pains, on an island by myself. I am very sorry for you that join me in this world… wait, let me be clear… not sorry FOR you, just plain sorry. I wish none of us had this f’ed up thing we call FMS. But! It is what it is, and I, you, we …. are not alone, we are in this together. Fibromites Unite! (we need a good kick ass theme song  in the background when we say that)

I looked back in my blog and came upon this letter that someone else posted on their blog. It still holds true and I wanted to share it again. I hope you all are having a great day… foggy brain and all. It’s the last shopping week-end before Christmas, don’t overdo it. Take some time to reflect on the progress you made and give yourself a big round of applause and smile. Most importantly, smile. We don’t do it enough… find someone to laugh with today and think positive. Throw the negative shit out the window, hug you family, your four leggeds and be thankful that we have another day to face the world. Make it a good one!

Best holiday wishes to all of you!!

Hugz.

Tamiko

Letter to people that don’t have Fibromyalgia (FMS) and/ or MPS (Myofascial Pain Syndrome):

By Billie Chainey

These are the things that I would like you to understand about me before you judge me…

Please understand that being sick doesn’t mean I’m not still a human being.
I have to spend most of my day in considerable pain and exhaustion, and if you visit I probably don’t seem like much fun to be with, but I’m still me stuck inside this body. I still worry about work and my family and friends, and most of the time I’d still like to hear you talk about yours too.

Please understand the difference between “happy” and “healthy”.
When you’ve got the flu you probably feel miserable with it, but I’ve been sick for years. I can’t be miserable all the time; in fact I work hard at not being miserable. So if you’re talking to me and I sound happy, it means I’m happy. That’s all. It doesn’t mean that I’m not in a lot of pain, or extremely tired, or that I’m getting better, or any of those things. Please, don’t say, “Oh, you’re sounding better!” I am not sounding better, I am sounding happy.

Please understand that being able to stand up for ten minutes, doesn’t necessarily mean that I can stand up for twenty minutes, or an hour.
And, just because I managed to stand up for thirty minutes yesterday doesn’t mean that I can do the same today. With a lot of diseases you’re either paralyzed, or you can move. With this one it gets more confusing.

Please repeat the above paragraph substituting, “sitting”, “walking”, “thinking”, “being sociable” and so on … it applies to everything.
That’s what FMS/ MPS does to you. Please understand that FMS/ MPS is variable. It’s quite possible (for me, it’s common) that one day I am able to walk to the park and back, while the next day I’ll have trouble getting to the kitchen.

Please don’t attack me when I’m ill by saying, “But you did it before!”
If you want me to do something then ask if I can. In a similar vein, I may need to cancel an invitation at the last minute, if this happens please do not take it personally.

Please understand that “getting out and doing things” does not make me feel better, and can often make me seriously worse.
Telling me that I need a treadmill, or that I just need to lose (or gain) weight, get this exercise machine, join this gym, try these classes, take this pill/ supplement… may frustrate me to tears, and is not correct… if I was capable of doing these things, don’t you know that I would? I am working with my doctor and physical therapist and am already doing the exercise and diet that I am suppose to do.

Another statement that hurts is, “You just need to push yourself more, exercise harder…”
Obviously FMS /MPS deals directly with muscles, and because our muscles don’t repair themselves the way your muscles do, this does far more damage than good and could result in recovery time in days or weeks or months from a single activity. Also, FMS/ MPS may cause secondary depression (wouldn’t you get depressed if you were hurting and exhausted for years on end!) but it is not created by depression.

Please understand that if I say I have to sit down/ lie down/ take these pills now, that I do have to do it right now –
it can’t be put off or forgotten just because I’m out for the day (or whatever). FMS/ MPS does not forgive.

If you want to suggest a cure to me, don’t.
It’s not because I don’t appreciate the thought, and it’s not because I don’t want to get well. It’s because I have had almost every single one of my friends suggest one at one point or another. At first I tried them all, but then I realized that I was using up so much energy trying things that I was making myself sicker, not better. If there were something that cured, or even helped, all people with FMS/ MPS then we’d know about it. This is not a drug-company conspiracy, there is worldwide networking (both on and off the Internet) between people with FMS/ MPS, and if something worked we would KNOW.

If after reading that, you still want to suggest a cure, then do it, but don’t expect me to rush out and try it. I’ll take what you said and discuss it with my doctor.

In many ways I depend on you… people who are not sick…
I need you to visit me when I am too sick to go out…
Sometimes I need you help me with the shopping, cooking or cleaning…
I may need you to take me to the doctor, or to the physical therapist…
I need you on a different level too… you’re my link to the outside world…
If you don’t come to visit me then I might not get to see you…

And, as much as it’s possible, I need you to understand me…

I would also like to add a personal note to this that isn’t listed above that would be a tremendous help emotionally.

Please don’t make my disease about you… .or say things that make me feel like I let you down. Things like, “Oh, I was hoping you were better today.” make me feel guilty and that I have somehow disappointed you. I understand this disease effects everyone involved, but the last thing we, as the sick ones, want is to burden anyone. We have plenty of guilt for being so dependent on others as it is, we don’t want to feel like we’re disappointing you or making you feel bad by saying that we don’t feel good. We don’t expect you to say anything about us feeling bad as a matter of fact. Just be there… hold us when we need to cry from the pain or frustration of being so limited. We know you care… otherwise you wouldn’t come around or even ask how we’re doing, but please don’t make us responsible for your emotions too. When the bad days hit… we’re doing our best to deal with our own.

If you must say something it’s ok to say you’re sorry for what we go through.. but please don’t make us feel like we’ve killed your hope.  You are our source of encouragement.

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What Are Your Christmas Memories?

New post, new holiday… the last couple weeks I have really been remembering a lot about this time of the year growing up. I realize now, as I’m sure many of us do, that I was so blessed. My mom was the bomb diggedy! She is and was the most amazing mother and woman. Holidays was her time. I look back and I’m amazed and so thankful for all she did.

The house had the aroma of Christmas, the tree, the baking, the wood burning in the fireplace… wow, I love those memories and how special that time was. My mom baked and baked and baked, we would spend days baking cookies and bars. Decorating cookies, man I looked forward to that all year. She would mix up all the colors for the icing and break out all the cool stuff to decorate the cookies and then set us free. She would decorate cookies with us and hers were always so elaborate. She broke out the toothpicks to really get the detail on those cookies. I cherished those cookies, I never wanted to eat them they looked so good! Of course they tasted amazing too, so I used to sneak as many as possible. It never stopped there though, she must have baked dozens of different kinds of cookies. I remember all the dough in the fridge waiting to be shaped and baked. Even after I grew up, moved out of the house, had a child… she still continued to do all the baking. To think of all the work it took to make all those goodies, it just amazes me.

Of course baking was just a part of the holidays, my mom was so crafty! She made ornaments and we all pitched in. I have all the ornaments on my tree and every time I decorate the tree, all those memories come flooding back. We would sit at the dining room table and she would teach us how to make these cool ornaments. We would be the pain in the ass kids and she would just keep going. I cherish all these beautifully crafted ornaments, the time she spent making them is so apparent in the detail.

My mother would put up the nativity scene with the christmas lights put up around them with all the angels and the sense of global awareness. Ornaments and angels from all around the world, recognizing the importance of the season. The time and effort that she would put into the decorating, I loved it and I miss it now. Of course, I didn’t appreciate the effort at the time as much as I do now that I have taken over all the decorations. Now she gets to enjoy the decorations that we put up in our home.

I remember being at home and she would go in her room and shut the door and tell us we couldn’t come in. They hardly ever closed the door, but we knew she was up to something in there and on Christmas morning all these beautifully wrapped gifts would be under the tree with our stockings full of goodies. Trying to figure out what was in the presents and getting to pick one present to open on Christmas Eve… brings such a great feeling of happiness.

These memories are so important as I attempt to instill the holiday feeling in my own home now. I am not even close to the holiday elf my mom was. She now sits back and enjoys the grandchildren during the holidays. It’s now time for us to carry the holiday traditions forward.

Growing up we used to always go to my grandparent’s house and hang out with the aunts and uncles and cousins. I loved those days! Driving down to L.A., the anticipation of getting to the house, unpacking the car late at night, tired as hell… but so excited to be there! My aunts and uncles and grandparents have passed now, I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for my cousins. It must be so different for my folks as well, different doesn’t mean bad, just different. I’m sure you understand what I am talking about.

We have created new traditions in my family since marriage and children. We always drive down Christmas Tree Lane in Palo Alto to see all the lights on the houses, we bake cookies with our best friends and the kids make crazy sugar cookies. Christmas Eve we go to our best friend’s house to celebrate with them and our Godchild, Christmas day we stay home (like we did growing up)… my brother and parents come over in the morning and the kids open their presents. The rest of the family comes over throughout the day and we eat and sleep all day. Thank God for the friends and family who continue to make  Christmas so wonderful. My own craftiness comes in the form of scrapbooking. I make calendars and put the best pictures from the year to create a memory from the previous year.

I thank you for giving me this opportunity to share my most cherished holiday memories with you. I hope you share yours with me.

Remember the reason for this season and I wish you all peace, no pain and happiness during this time.

Hugs to all of you (gentle ones of course)!

Tamiko

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How clear is your head? My fibro life post-detox.

It’s been exactly one month since I last posted to my blog. I haven’t been here. I haven’t checked my blog, I haven’t been on Twitter, I haven’t been social networking much at all. I have just been trying to live and take every day as a new day. My new life without meds. This is very new and uncharted (honestly I thought the word was “unchartered”, but it’s apparently not a word) territory for me. I have been on some type of medication for as long as I can remember. Meds for depression, meds for pain, meds for insomnia, meds for migraines… Lordy! There is definitely a prescription for every ailment. It’s super crazy when you think about it. The pharmaceutical companies definitely make money off us chronic pain / depressed folk!

Since going off my daily meds, I take Flexeril for muscle pain every 2-3 days. I like it because I don’t have to take it everyday and there’s no side effects if I DON’t take it, and the big benefit for me is it knocks me out at night. Not having that requirement to take a pill every day and multiple times throughout the day is incredibly important to me. I have had so much crap in my body for so long, it’s nice to only take pills when things get really really bad.

My head is so much more clear since going off the meds. There’s the good and the bad with this. I have reality in my face at all times. Who wants that? LOL! Honestly, my reality NOW, is so different than it was on those meds. I am doing a hell of a lot of self-talk, let me tell you! It takes a lot more to maintain a stress-free life in this new world.

… and did I tell you? Oh my gosh!! Stress is the daily devil I fight. Now, when I get stressed, my body retaliates like nobody’s business. Instant pain or instant headache or instant upset stomach… or my very favorite – instant emotional breakdown (ya gotta love those), etc. This stress stuff is no joke. Living and thinking like those professional “be happy” people is not easy. “Don’t sweat the small stuff!”, really? Live my life and let’s see YOU not sweat the small stuff. Sometimes the small stuff just gets me flippin’ frustrated and yes, I stress (I am human y’know). I am not saying it happens everyday, but it only takes ONE TIME and my body is like, “eff you! I’m retaliating!”. Don’t even get me started about what I would define as the “big stuff”. I think we can all agree, stress sucks.

Where was I… oh yeah, my head is clear – let’s not go crazy, I’m not ummmmm, “normal” like I once was pre-FMS (as is evident by my ADD writing you are reading right now). This is my new “normal”. I can do my job and feel pretty good about it vs. doing my job and wondering if I was making any sense a lot of the times. Towards the end, the drugs seriously, and I mean SERIOUSLY (in caps and super duper bold) fucked. me. up. (excuse my language but I need to be aggressive with this)! It still scares the crap out of me to look back on those last couple of months. I know I have harped on this, but I cannot imagine how many people are on drugs and the side effects are doing more damage than the actual illness they are trying to treat. That was definitely the case for me (can ya tell?).

I am ready to start with a different regimen. Exercise, good healthy food and targeted vitamins and supplements. I know this is not some crazy new idea – but for me those first two have always been challenging for me. It’s time I stop screwing around and really make a go of this.

I have noticed lately sugar definitely effects me nowadays. This is not cool. I mean seriously, I have the world’s craziest sweet tooth these days and every time I try to eat something sweet – BANG! upset stomach and a headache. Really, really, REALLY uncool. Fibromyalgia, depression, ADD and now sugar is a problem. Awesome.

I also tried the gluten-free diet… annnnndddd as my God-daughter says, “I think Godmommy needs the gluten back”. I actually was feeling worse… weird, right? I never said my stuff made any sense. It’s damn confusing to me all these different diets, vitamins, supplements, approaches, eat this-not that… ARGH!

Well, I would love to hear what you are going through and please share your experiences. It always makes me feel better to know I’m not the only one.

Thanks for stopping by! Stay cool!

Tamiko

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Detoxing – I thought I was okay… I actually had a migraine!

I am seriously thinking about…

the days when I never thought about being sick.

when I was young and everything new seemed so “cool”!

the days when my most difficult decision each day was, “What the hell am I going to wear today?“

what it would be like to live in a beach house and hear the sounds of the ocean as I go to sleep and wake up in the morning.

what my life would be, had I made different choices.

what choices I have at my age… seriously, what choices do I have?

without prescription drugs, what are the chances I can survive?

could I go a week without sugar?

what life in my house would be like without tv.

if I could reverse 3 choices in my life, what would those be?

what is love?

do I even know what “normal” feels like anymore? Is there such a thing? Will I ever feel it again? Did I ever feel it to begin with?

are dreams attainable?

is there such a thing as a perfect relationship?

are we defined by what we do? how we live? what we believe in?

does pain push me to depression or does depression push me to pain?

All these random thoughts come and go. Obviously not in any kind of logical way… let’s not forget “MY FOGGY BRAIN” is my name. They are all just random thoughts. Tonight is the first time I have actually thought about anything other than being sick in a long time.

I have been really sick. I didn’t even know it until this week. From my last post, I thought I was doing so well. I didn’t realize I had a migraine – and one that seemed to have lasted for weeks. I have been detoxing from Topiramate and Cymbalta and I took weeks to taper off the both of them. I noticed immediately the benefit of getting off the Topiramate since the suicidal thoughts and feelings went away immediately, suddenly, as if someone snapped their fingers and my brain just woke up – SNAP! Suicidal thoughts? GONE!

The Cymbalta on the other hand has given me way more problems, I assume this is why so many folks have found ways to provide their feedback – one way or another.

This past Sunday, and up until last night, I had this pounding headache, dizziness, nausea, sensitivity to light — I never put together that it all pointed to migraine. I just assumed it was a side effect from the tapering off of the meds and it would go away. I was completely WRONG on the “going away” assumption. Four days of this shit and finally I contacted my doctors. Last night I ended up at the doctor’s office receiving a Toradol shot in one thigh and a shot of Phenergan in the other thigh…. ummmm…. ouch! But let me tell you! The “ouch” from the shots was well worth the end result!

For the first time in months, I was able to actually SLEEP. You heard me. I finally slept for the first time in months! You fibromites out there know what I am talking about. Sleep? This is an enemy on most nights when we all want it to be our best friend. The best part of the deal? Let me say this really, really loud because I need to scream it from the roof tops… “NO FUCKING NIGHT SWEATS!” Whew! Glad to get that off my chest. I did NOT wake up 4 or 5 times in the middle of the night drenched in sweat and wondering what the hell just happened! I slept right on through. I didn’t just feel like I ran a marathon, no adrenaline filled dreams… I actually slept. Miracle! Apparently the night sweats I have been experiencing are related to the migraine I had? Very strange, but whatever. I’ll take it. As long as it stops or has stopped, I am ecstatic!

Here’s the thing… I was so used to having headaches, upset stomach, dizziness, completely active/ vivid dreams, night sweats… you get the picture. I didn’t think that it was anything more than the side effects of my illness(es). When I talked to the doctor last night and he was like “I believe what you are experiencing is a trigger migraine. You’ve had it for weeks.” I thought to myself… “NO WAY!” How could this be? So, it’s not specifically a side effect of Fibromyalgia, but it is a side effect of detoxing from the meds.

I took a leap and went in and tried the shots and it worked!

Of course it’s almost 3:00 in the morning and I can’t sleep now, but I’m okay with that since I don’t have all the rest of the shit going on inside me. There’s always a good and a bad to every life experience, right?

If you are having any of the symptoms I had and you aren’t getting treated for it … take it from me, see your doctor and push for help. I didn’t have to push, the doctor believed I needed help. Yours should too. If your doctor doesn’t help you or acts like it’s all in your head — GET A NEW DOCTOR! Do not let your doctor bully you or make you feel stupid. This is your health you are managing, not his/hers. I have said it before and I’ll say it again, “Take control of your health!”.

Thanks for stopping by, leave me a comment, I absolutely love to hear from you!

Stay cool.

Tamiko

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From the depths of Hell, I am coming back to life.

Wow, time flies by when you aren’t blogging! I was doing good for a while and then I hit a real low with my pain and depression and life just seemed to stop. Of course there’s not much one can do when feeling like shit… except of course, obsess about how you are feeling like shit.

Meds can be the best thing ever OR they can just fuck with you, excuse my language. I was on the same med cocktail for years. I knew and know that it’s the integrative approach to managing Fibromyalgia that makes life… well, manageable. BUT, I gotta tell you, my meds were seriously making my life Hell. I didn’t realize how truly fucked up my crisis was until I started really contemplating suicide on a daily, almost hourly basis. I lived through about six weeks of the darkest time I have ever experienced. It has taken me a couple weeks just to really realize how close to the edge I was.

Thank God, and I do mean the big guy above, I had the sense of mind to call for help. I talked to my psychiatrist, I talked to my primary care doctor, I talked to the Pain doctor and nurses and I talked to my OB-GYN. Kaiser was awesome, they helped to save my life. Everyone was persistent in making sure I did something. It was frustrating trying to convey what I was going through, but I spent hours, literally four and five hours scouring the internet for information every day. I was obsessed about the latest news and information on Fibromyalgia, depression and the approaches to manage. I finally concluded I needed to change my meds and thankfully, working with my doctors I pushed hard until I got everyone on the same page with the approach I wanted to take.

You know, I am not sure if it was the pain that aggravated the depression or the depression that aggravated the pain during this crisis. I do know I have been under a ton of stress; the weather was constantly changing, it was raining and then sunny every other day; and Lord knows (as all of you do), that sleep was non-existent. All of this added up to not seeing any light at the end of the tunnel. I felt like I was a huge burden on my husband, family and friends and just couldn’t see how I could live out the rest of my life in that hell.

How could I communicate to anyone that I was feeling like I just needed to get out of my misery? It’s weak, it’s unfair, it’s hurtful… but most of all it’s SELFISH. I know all of this and I didn’t want to hurt anyone, most importantly my kids. This was the only thing that kept me going. I didn’t know how to talk to anyone, I am a very private person – and the thought of showing, what I felt was weakness, was unfathomable. I couldn’t bring myself to say it out loud. After days turned into weeks and the weeks just kept passing and things weren’t getting better – I finally talked to my husband. To be honest, it made me feel even worse. He was so devastated (and rightfully so), I just felt like an even bigger loser with a capital “L”. What the fuck was wrong with me? I know it’s not a weakness to commit suicide, you must have commitment and the strength to follow through with the act – but it is quitting, quitting on life, which is a weakness to me.

Well, I am happy to say, now that I am on the other side of that nightmare. This was not a case of suicidal depression. This was, in my mind, for the most part due to the meds (like 99.99%). I read a lot of reviews from people taking Topamax that they experienced the same thing I did. I felt so thankful to know I wasn’t the only one. Topamax was my savior drug when I first started taking it, and it worked for a long time. I was very confused as to why it betrayed me so suddenly without any indication. This drug has been used a lot for fibromites to help with the nerve pain. If you read up on it, it has all the side effects that are symptomatic of Fibromyalgia. I asked all my doctors how I would know if my issues were due to the medication or my FMS. Each doctor said, it was a great question, and that they didn’t know. What the hell? I wanted answers, instead I got confirmation that my concern and confusion was a “great question”. In the end, the mystery of whether or not the drug was making me worse, the many reviews and the way I was feeling were the basis for my decision to get off that drug.

I decided to take a different approach and manage my depression and my pain separately from a drug perspective. I was on Cymbalta for both and I chose to stop. Again, not sure whether or not that drug was an issue for me as well. Oh my Lord, have you seen all the issues people have with getting themselves off that drug? There is a website just dedicated to all the issues with going off Cymbalta. Thousands of people have provided their nightmares out there on the internet, I was extremely nervous about stopping the drug. But I know that after literally spending hundreds of hours researching options, the one that I have chosen is what I want for myself. The options I reviewed: going all natural and off prescription drugs, I looked at diets, I looked at medical marijuana, I read everything I could possibly find. At the end of the day I decided to go with new meds and a gluten-free diet.

I am now on my last few days of Cymbalta and I am feeling markedly better than at my lowest point. I am off Topamax and I went through one cycle of PMS without feeling like I was in the pit of Hell (for the first time in at least a year). I have taken five weeks to cycle off Cymbalta, I decided to take it much slower than the doctor advised based on everything I read. I went down 20mg a week and I don’t think I felt any major side affects. At the same time I slowly started and increased my new anti-depressant. I am also on my third week of being almost 100% gluten-free. (I am still learning what it means to live a gluten-free life.)

Due to the interactions, I have had to wait to start taking my new pain medication until I am off the Cymbalta. It hasn’t been easy but, trust me, I would much rather have pain than the depression I was experiencing. It’s been a worthwhile process. I am starting to see friends again, which is a sign for me that life is becoming bearable. After months of living in greys and black, I am starting to see shades of color.

The lesson I learned is that I should never feel suicidal. No matter how bad things feel or seem in my mind – suicide is not an option. I need to review my meds on a regular basis and make sure that they are working. I know that I have clinical depression and that I need to manage it. I am responsible for my own health, I need to take it seriously and continue to make it a priority.

I’ve been reading FibroWHYalgia, (an excellent book, if you haven’t picked it up I highly recommend it), the author Sue Ingebretson says that making “I am” statements is not good for your psyche. I have really thought about that lately and I notice that I say “I am in pain” almost every day. If I am going to manage my thoughts, understanding that what you think is what you are, saying “I am in pain” dooms me to be in pain. It’s a great point! Changing the mindset is another new challenge for me.

This is a long blog, but it’s so important for me to share with you that you need to monitor and manage your health as diligently as your highest priority. You need to watch for signs that something is wrong and not assume it’s “you”, that it may, in fact be due to your medication. I urge you to journal your daily pain and mood levels, in addition to your exercise and what you are eating as well as the medications and supplements you are putting in your body. Keep in touch with your doctors (don’t let them forget who you are!), make them listen to you or get a new one. YOU are responsible for your health and no one but you can determine if what you are experiencing is “normal” to you.

I am a very private person, but I feel strongly that if this can help someone, it’s important to share. Thank you for reading. Take some time to relax, meditate and breathe.

Stay cool!

Tamiko

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