enjoying life

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What Are Your Christmas Memories?

New post, new holiday… the last couple weeks I have really been remembering a lot about this time of the year growing up. I realize now, as I’m sure many of us do, that I was so blessed. My mom was the bomb diggedy! She is and was the most amazing mother and woman. Holidays was her time. I look back and I’m amazed and so thankful for all she did.

The house had the aroma of Christmas, the tree, the baking, the wood burning in the fireplace… wow, I love those memories and how special that time was. My mom baked and baked and baked, we would spend days baking cookies and bars. Decorating cookies, man I looked forward to that all year. She would mix up all the colors for the icing and break out all the cool stuff to decorate the cookies and then set us free. She would decorate cookies with us and hers were always so elaborate. She broke out the toothpicks to really get the detail on those cookies. I cherished those cookies, I never wanted to eat them they looked so good! Of course they tasted amazing too, so I used to sneak as many as possible. It never stopped there though, she must have baked dozens of different kinds of cookies. I remember all the dough in the fridge waiting to be shaped and baked. Even after I grew up, moved out of the house, had a child… she still continued to do all the baking. To think of all the work it took to make all those goodies, it just amazes me.

Of course baking was just a part of the holidays, my mom was so crafty! She made ornaments and we all pitched in. I have all the ornaments on my tree and every time I decorate the tree, all those memories come flooding back. We would sit at the dining room table and she would teach us how to make these cool ornaments. We would be the pain in the ass kids and she would just keep going. I cherish all these beautifully crafted ornaments, the time she spent making them is so apparent in the detail.

My mother would put up the nativity scene with the christmas lights put up around them with all the angels and the sense of global awareness. Ornaments and angels from all around the world, recognizing the importance of the season. The time and effort that she would put into the decorating, I loved it and I miss it now. Of course, I didn’t appreciate the effort at the time as much as I do now that I have taken over all the decorations. Now she gets to enjoy the decorations that we put up in our home.

I remember being at home and she would go in her room and shut the door and tell us we couldn’t come in. They hardly ever closed the door, but we knew she was up to something in there and on Christmas morning all these beautifully wrapped gifts would be under the tree with our stockings full of goodies. Trying to figure out what was in the presents and getting to pick one present to open on Christmas Eve… brings such a great feeling of happiness.

These memories are so important as I attempt to instill the holiday feeling in my own home now. I am not even close to the holiday elf my mom was. She now sits back and enjoys the grandchildren during the holidays. It’s now time for us to carry the holiday traditions forward.

Growing up we used to always go to my grandparent’s house and hang out with the aunts and uncles and cousins. I loved those days! Driving down to L.A., the anticipation of getting to the house, unpacking the car late at night, tired as hell… but so excited to be there! My aunts and uncles and grandparents have passed now, I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for my cousins. It must be so different for my folks as well, different doesn’t mean bad, just different. I’m sure you understand what I am talking about.

We have created new traditions in my family since marriage and children. We always drive down Christmas Tree Lane in Palo Alto to see all the lights on the houses, we bake cookies with our best friends and the kids make crazy sugar cookies. Christmas Eve we go to our best friend’s house to celebrate with them and our Godchild, Christmas day we stay home (like we did growing up)… my brother and parents come over in the morning and the kids open their presents. The rest of the family comes over throughout the day and we eat and sleep all day. Thank God for the friends and family who continue to make  Christmas so wonderful. My own craftiness comes in the form of scrapbooking. I make calendars and put the best pictures from the year to create a memory from the previous year.

I thank you for giving me this opportunity to share my most cherished holiday memories with you. I hope you share yours with me.

Remember the reason for this season and I wish you all peace, no pain and happiness during this time.

Hugs to all of you (gentle ones of course)!

Tamiko

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How clear is your head? My fibro life post-detox.

It’s been exactly one month since I last posted to my blog. I haven’t been here. I haven’t checked my blog, I haven’t been on Twitter, I haven’t been social networking much at all. I have just been trying to live and take every day as a new day. My new life without meds. This is very new and uncharted (honestly I thought the word was “unchartered”, but it’s apparently not a word) territory for me. I have been on some type of medication for as long as I can remember. Meds for depression, meds for pain, meds for insomnia, meds for migraines… Lordy! There is definitely a prescription for every ailment. It’s super crazy when you think about it. The pharmaceutical companies definitely make money off us chronic pain / depressed folk!

Since going off my daily meds, I take Flexeril for muscle pain every 2-3 days. I like it because I don’t have to take it everyday and there’s no side effects if I DON’t take it, and the big benefit for me is it knocks me out at night. Not having that requirement to take a pill every day and multiple times throughout the day is incredibly important to me. I have had so much crap in my body for so long, it’s nice to only take pills when things get really really bad.

My head is so much more clear since going off the meds. There’s the good and the bad with this. I have reality in my face at all times. Who wants that? LOL! Honestly, my reality NOW, is so different than it was on those meds. I am doing a hell of a lot of self-talk, let me tell you! It takes a lot more to maintain a stress-free life in this new world.

… and did I tell you? Oh my gosh!! Stress is the daily devil I fight. Now, when I get stressed, my body retaliates like nobody’s business. Instant pain or instant headache or instant upset stomach… or my very favorite – instant emotional breakdown (ya gotta love those), etc. This stress stuff is no joke. Living and thinking like those professional “be happy” people is not easy. “Don’t sweat the small stuff!”, really? Live my life and let’s see YOU not sweat the small stuff. Sometimes the small stuff just gets me flippin’ frustrated and yes, I stress (I am human y’know). I am not saying it happens everyday, but it only takes ONE TIME and my body is like, “eff you! I’m retaliating!”. Don’t even get me started about what I would define as the “big stuff”. I think we can all agree, stress sucks.

Where was I… oh yeah, my head is clear – let’s not go crazy, I’m not ummmmm, “normal” like I once was pre-FMS (as is evident by my ADD writing you are reading right now). This is my new “normal”. I can do my job and feel pretty good about it vs. doing my job and wondering if I was making any sense a lot of the times. Towards the end, the drugs seriously, and I mean SERIOUSLY (in caps and super duper bold) fucked. me. up. (excuse my language but I need to be aggressive with this)! It still scares the crap out of me to look back on those last couple of months. I know I have harped on this, but I cannot imagine how many people are on drugs and the side effects are doing more damage than the actual illness they are trying to treat. That was definitely the case for me (can ya tell?).

I am ready to start with a different regimen. Exercise, good healthy food and targeted vitamins and supplements. I know this is not some crazy new idea – but for me those first two have always been challenging for me. It’s time I stop screwing around and really make a go of this.

I have noticed lately sugar definitely effects me nowadays. This is not cool. I mean seriously, I have the world’s craziest sweet tooth these days and every time I try to eat something sweet – BANG! upset stomach and a headache. Really, really, REALLY uncool. Fibromyalgia, depression, ADD and now sugar is a problem. Awesome.

I also tried the gluten-free diet… annnnndddd as my God-daughter says, “I think Godmommy needs the gluten back”. I actually was feeling worse… weird, right? I never said my stuff made any sense. It’s damn confusing to me all these different diets, vitamins, supplements, approaches, eat this-not that… ARGH!

Well, I would love to hear what you are going through and please share your experiences. It always makes me feel better to know I’m not the only one.

Thanks for stopping by! Stay cool!

Tamiko

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Who is Your Lighthouse? Every Fibromite Needs At Least One…

sometimes life is not what it seems. these days, every day feels that way to me. i am not working right now due to my medical situation, my blogger friends will know without a doubt why… but i feel guilty. i can’t quite work out my emotions. this is not a vacation, this is not time to work, this is time to heal. wow. time to heal. i say it out loud and i still can’t believe it. if i do things that i believe are healing for me, i still don’t feel right. this is crazy. i am a grown adult. i am lost.

i can remember the moment the words came out of my mouth. “my doctor has taken me off work.” from that moment on, there was no turning back. i was both scared shitless and relieved at the same time. so many questions going through my head, i couldn’t turn the volume down.

  • would i be able to heal?
  • would i have a job to come back to?
  • what does this mean?
  • how is this going to effect my friends at work?
  • what will my children think of me?
  • can i make this change?
  • how will my husband handle yet another burden on his already heavy load?

question after question just kept coming up and before i could answer another question would come up… and then all the forever questions… oh shit what will i do if something happens to my husband? i can’t take care of myself, much less my children… why the hell did this happen to me? why now? why did my friend just pass away without giving me the chance to talk to him just one more time to hear his crazy ass laughter? why can’t i pick and choose when i want to be in pain? why can’t it be obvious that i have a medical condition so people will know i am not okay? (i mean… seriously, i much prefer to look anti-social at parties… that is so much better! [btw, i just told my daughter that sarcasm is bad]  i always end up sitting in one place or better yet even… like today, having to take a nap because the pain was so bad… nice!) i know this is why many of my chronic pain friends do not go out, but that is not the solution. i want to go out and be with friends and family…

warning – i digress here….

i am watching my children, nieces, nephews, and their friends grow up and what a generation we have coming up around us! these. children. amaze. me. their determination, assertiveness, independence… they have it all. they have grown up with so much technology and knowledge compared to what we grew up with. they have access to so much more information at their fingertips… and they access it and use it with ease… we have raised some strong-minded youth. they know what they like, what they want and by the time they can vote … they will not hesitate to make their opinions known. it’s an interesting time. for me personally, sometimes i just want to scream, i get so frustrated trying to raise my children. they know what they want, have so much knowledge, i can’t battle them – don’t have the energy to fight them. most the time i just want to hold them so tight and not let go. i know they will leave me soon and i will only see them when they want to visit. my time with them will be  solely on their terms. their time with me so far has been on my terms. the rest of their life will definitely be on their terms…. how did i get to this topic? hmmmmm…. just typing and this is what came off the top of my head.

and now back to my original post…

as you can see, i am having a very difficult time focusing in one area. i am struggling to wade through this quicksand of emotions. i am trying to journal again. i thought that it would help me “find myself” so to speak. so far not a word on paper in my new pretty journal. zip. nada. nothing. the big zero. “How to Find the Inner You”, “How to Redefine Your Life”, “Where are You?”, “The Map to the Real You”, “The True You”, “This is Your Real Life”, “Your Life Begins Now”, “Life After Chronic Pain”, “Redefining the New You”… etc. all titles of books that would really help me now… if they existed (and they probably do, i just don’t want to pay the price for them, i mean,  after the title, what the hell do I want with them?) i have no patience to read a self-help book… i am just really trying to find a way to get myself to stop! write what i’m feeling down! and listen! and really… is this possible? i have journaled all my life, but for some reason, it really is asking a lot of me. you’ll just have to take my word on this one. (by the way, if you are thinking of writing a book and you were planning on using one of those titles above… ummmmm…. go for it. i’ll just take a one time cut. :) i know God has a path for me already written, i just need to stop! and listen! to Him. i never was very good at listening… my husband can definitely vouch for this. (oh man! did i really just put that in writing?)

so… why the lighthouse image for my blog this week? i’ll tell you why. two beautiful women celebrate their birthdays this week. i look to these women to provide safety in the dark for me and they have no idea how much they save me on a continual basis. one beautiful woman because she is and has been my best friend for the past 20+ years and has been there for me through thick and thin and even though i know i don’t call as much as i should… just knowing if i ever need anything i know she is there.  she gave me the very very best gift of all, my beautiful goddaughter. i would never have made it to this point in my life, if not for her love and strength… i would not be who i am without her in my life. she taught me how to be a professional, how to know and appreciate God, how to be a parent, how to be a girly-girl and without her in my life i would not have been so honored and blessed to know and love her Mother (and yes that is with a capital “M”!)… it would take a lifetime to just say how much she has blessed my life.

the second beautiful woman because through the friendship of our children, i have been blessed with the friendship of this woman. she has given of her heart over and over and over again and always ever so quietly. there is no way i would have survived the last six years without her friendship. she has a calming effect on me the moment i know she is around. her thoughtfulness, sense of humor, no bullshit attitude is so awesome! i look forward to strengthening our friendship with each birthday we celebrate.

they are my lighthouse in the storm that can be my life. dependable, steady… always there. i celebrate them. i hope that all of you have a lighthouse in your life. there are definitely a few other folks who are in this category who i will celebrate in a later blog…

thank you for reading! stay cool… please let me know how you are doing, leave a comment and let me know what’s on your mind.

take care and here’s a gentle hug for all my chronic pain readers.

tamiko

PS. Thank you so much to everyone!! I just passed 3000 hits to my blog this past week… that is too amazing… THANK YOU!!!

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What’s Your “In Your Head” Morning CheckList? From One Fibromite to Another…

… i am running about to go up some stairs … anndddd I’m awake! well, my brain is slowly adjusting to the morning fogginess attempting to determine dream vs. reality. ummmm running? definitely dream! as i slowly go through my morning checklist in my head…

  • can i move my legs? let’s see… i can already feel that numbing-tingling-i’m-gonna-go-limp-on-you feeling in my knees and i haven’t even gotten out of bed… great. it would be one thing if i had maybe been on a 2-hour bike ride first, but this is ridiculous… oh yeah, it was all that running i just did. the top of my legs, right on that bone area… as long as you don’t… well let’s just say touch it… we are all good! maybe i should just invest in shin guards… soccer fever is in the air, right? hey, my thighs? alllll goood!!
  • how about my feet? toes are good – check! bottom of my feet are good, yes! i hate that pins and needles or i should say spikes and knives that go on for about 1-3 minutes that feels like 15 minutes that make me want to scream in pain! AHHHHHHHH!!! but i can’t complain about that at this moment… woohoo!! tops of my feet were feeling a bit of “the jolly green giant stepped on me” pain, but i can deal with that.
  • i’d love to skip that middle of the body – ’cause … well … it’s just a bit massive so in my mind it’s just best sometimes to forget about it. (“body image mom!” i can hear my daughter saying because i don’t like to say negative things around her… i don’t want her growing up constantly obsessing about her body image. shit. i hate when stuff comes back on me like this.) okay.  anyway, my tummy is upset as it always is these days when i wake up… when i am awake… pretty much all the time… and i don’t end up with a beautiful bouncing baby 9 months later either!! let’s be very clear — i don’t want a beautiful bouncing baby at this time in my life, but for feeling sick like this? you’d think it would be the end result! i keep thinking i should break out my maternity clothes because my stomach is all bloaty and upset all the time, then i remember, nope just another side effect. damn. (and i thought i had an excuse to go clothes shopping!)
  • arms…. oh my arms. yup! let’s just say they definitely are not going to be doing any heavy lifting today. light lifting is out as well. driving? not today either. wrists? high on the pain level scale… and shoulders? high, very high.
  • neck? well… unfortunately that is not a good place for me. neck and shoulders is where i carry my stress. i have to constantly remind myself… r-e-l-a-x! i do a lot of the deep breathing exercises and relax my neck and shoulders during that time because i constantly forget to relax there… pain is high. i will get up and do my exercises and hopefully that will help.
  • head? i have a headache this morning…

guess what day today is. just guess. no really. because i am in bed saying to myself it’s definitely a “cane” day and i’m not talking sugar cane… it’s definitely a day to take a long nap and rest. although i will try to convince my husband to take me to the dog park, my favorite place to just get away and relax. it is, of course, saturday. because that would be my free day and it has become my “down” day. literally. after working 5 days and wanting to have a fun day, i always end up with this “down” day. which actually isn’t the worst thing that could happen… i just don’t like things forced on me.

this week has actually been great, we’ve had friends from out-of-town visiting to make for better days and last night we had a great night out. tomorrow we will go to the beach. it’s not the usual week. no complaining from this girl!!

what’s your usual “in your head” morning checklist?

wishing you all a pain-free week-end! thanks for stopping by… stay cool!

tamiko

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A Simple Post: My Fibro Journal Template… Use It & Track Your Daily Progress… YES I SAID PROGRESS!!

Hi everyone!

I created this template based on the 10 week Level II Pain Program I took at Kaiser and I have used it every day for a month. It has helped me remember to take my meds, really understand my sleep (lack of sleep), how my pain goes up and down, when and how often I flare and… when I talk to my dr… I can actually speak factually (what a concept)!

Try it, tell me what you think… these are just pictures. I posted it a couple of weeks ago, but I thought if I showed you what the pages looked like, you would be more apt to try it out. :) You can download the template in my Awesome Resources tab.

If you are not tracking your progress… if you don’t use my template… create your own or buy one or do something! It’s important so you can see your PROGRESS!!!! Even if it’s small, you do progress. Even if it doesn’t feel like it… you are making progress. You will have bad days… but you will have GOOD days. Journaling forces you to see the GOOD!!

Okay, I’m off my soap box. :)

Thanks for reading and have a super cool and pain-free week-end!

MY FOGGY BRAIN: Daily Fibro Journal - Page 1

MY FOGGY BRAIN: Daily Fibro Journal - Page 1

MY FOGGY BRAIN: Daily Fibro Journal - Page 2

MY FOGGY BRAIN: Daily Fibro Journal - Page 2

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Expect the Unexpected… The Life of a Fibromite

Expect the unexpected… that should be the motto of our lives. Each day we wake up we never know which part of our body will function, or not. This is always an interesting part of my morning routine… I wake up and lay in bed for a few minutes and sort of have a chat with my body:

“okay feet, what’s going on… crazy nerves or are you going to be cool today?”

“legs and knees, numb this morning? can we stand up? walk?”

“back… oh back, let’s just rest a bit and then stretch out and … we really can do this… right?”

“shoulders… breathe…  breathe… release (I always have to remember to let my muscles relax in my shoulders!)”

“neck.. relax.. relax! .. oh I mean …. breaaaathhhheeeee… relaxxxx”

I have had one flare free week and what a blessing that was. I haven’t had a relatively pain free week like that in a very long time. Today is a new day. I will take it for what it is. I have new challenges to face today and I will face them and I will use my tools to manage through the pain and I will fight the flare monster away!

Today is a new day.

Expect the unexpected… and accept, sometimes it’s good and sometimes it’s not so good. Everyday is a new day, which means every day you have a new opportunity to make it a GREAT DAY!

Thanks for stopping by!

Stay cool.