This Too Shall Pass… I Am Blessed.

Wow… Where have I been? It’s been over two months since I have written something… and to be totally honest, it’s been over almost that long since I have even visited my blog page. Six months ago, if someone would have said I would let that let that much time pass without viewing my page, I would have just ignored them because I would have thought to myself “NO Flippin WAY!”. Well, it’s true. Now that I’m here, that old familiar feeling is back. It’s the middle of the night, I’m sitting in the dark, on the couch with just the dim light from my laptop…. except this time… same couch – different house.

Where do I start? My life, my life, my life… Lord, I know You do not shoulder more than one can bear… I. Just. Am. So. Very. Tired. I really do try not to complain, I know there are people so downtrodden and their lives really suck, I know I have no right to complain…

Here’s the deal… let me bottom line it for you… I feel like I am starring in a country song where you play it backwards to figure out everything that has been lost (I should win an award for this one!)… I am just not mending… I don’t even know how to mourn anymore. I know hospital emergency rooms and intensive care units up and down the west coast and unfortunately so do my children. What started out as a good learning situation for my children when they were young, has turned out to be a continuous cycle of “Whose Funeral Are We Going to This Month?” … Scarred for life.

Where the hell was I going with this? Oh yeah… I was bottom lining it… let me get back to it…

So! Important in a Chronic Pain Patient’s life… Truth. Honesty. Well in anyone’s life, but more so in a chronic pain person’s life because you spend your entire life explaining your pain to people who do not believe you!

Shortly after the passing of my very close friend Steve’s passing, I lost my Godfather which seemed “suddenly” to me (way too soon as I just really wanted more time!)… Very close after that… we had a traumatic experience with a dog that we were really hoping to adopt (all of my 4-legged blogger friends would totally relate to my experience but Lumpy is in a happy home now!) Well, my son entered college and turned 18 and then my husband and I found out we needed to move out of our house we had lived in for over 10 years. We had less than 2 weeks to vacate. So! I found us a house to rent and we packed up our memories and our furniture and moved to our new “home”. That was the 1st week of November… and did I tell you I was on disability and went back to work the second week of September?

For those of you that were around my blog last year… I was blessed to get out and help pick the tree this year and my husband and I trimmed it this year!

I have this horrible feeling there is a big ass dam inside my body somewhere secret stored up and it’s just going to open up one day… God help the folks that are around on that day. Poor souls… I have a huge smile on my face right now… because Lord knows, all you can do is smile when you think about the poor souls who will have to deal with my ass when I unload on them!

So, now that you are caught up with where I have been and what I have been up to since the last time I blogged….

After all I have been through…

my family still makes me laugh at least once or five or ten times a day.

My parents are still with me and I thank God every single day for this.

I am blessed.

I still have my brothers, sisters and their families and my friends and their families around me.

I am blessed.

I still have my five senses.

I am blessed.

(Ummm I did not say I HAVE sense, don’t get crazy here).

My husband still wakes up every morning and goes to sleep to me.

I am truly truly blessed.

I have fibromyalgia, ADHD and chronic depression and yes…

I am blessed.

For me, it is important to remind myself to remember what I have and to do my best to stay positive. Please be positive with me. There’s enough negativity out there…

Thanks for reading! Stay cool…. and God bless all of you and Happy Holidays!

Who is Your Lighthouse? Every Fibromite Needs At Least One…

sometimes life is not what it seems. these days, every day feels that way to me. i am not working right now due to my medical situation, my blogger friends will know without a doubt why… but i feel guilty. i can’t quite work out my emotions. this is not a vacation, this is not time to work, this is time to heal. wow. time to heal. i say it out loud and i still can’t believe it. if i do things that i believe are healing for me, i still don’t feel right. this is crazy. i am a grown adult. i am lost.

i can remember the moment the words came out of my mouth. “my doctor has taken me off work.” from that moment on, there was no turning back. i was both scared shitless and relieved at the same time. so many questions going through my head, i couldn’t turn the volume down.

  • would i be able to heal?
  • would i have a job to come back to?
  • what does this mean?
  • how is this going to effect my friends at work?
  • what will my children think of me?
  • can i make this change?
  • how will my husband handle yet another burden on his already heavy load?

question after question just kept coming up and before i could answer another question would come up… and then all the forever questions… oh shit what will i do if something happens to my husband? i can’t take care of myself, much less my children… why the hell did this happen to me? why now? why did my friend just pass away without giving me the chance to talk to him just one more time to hear his crazy ass laughter? why can’t i pick and choose when i want to be in pain? why can’t it be obvious that i have a medical condition so people will know i am not okay? (i mean… seriously, i much prefer to look anti-social at parties… that is so much better! [btw, i just told my daughter that sarcasm is bad]  i always end up sitting in one place or better yet even… like today, having to take a nap because the pain was so bad… nice!) i know this is why many of my chronic pain friends do not go out, but that is not the solution. i want to go out and be with friends and family…

warning – i digress here….

i am watching my children, nieces, nephews, and their friends grow up and what a generation we have coming up around us! these. children. amaze. me. their determination, assertiveness, independence… they have it all. they have grown up with so much technology and knowledge compared to what we grew up with. they have access to so much more information at their fingertips… and they access it and use it with ease… we have raised some strong-minded youth. they know what they like, what they want and by the time they can vote … they will not hesitate to make their opinions known. it’s an interesting time. for me personally, sometimes i just want to scream, i get so frustrated trying to raise my children. they know what they want, have so much knowledge, i can’t battle them – don’t have the energy to fight them. most the time i just want to hold them so tight and not let go. i know they will leave me soon and i will only see them when they want to visit. my time with them will be  solely on their terms. their time with me so far has been on my terms. the rest of their life will definitely be on their terms…. how did i get to this topic? hmmmmm…. just typing and this is what came off the top of my head.

and now back to my original post…

as you can see, i am having a very difficult time focusing in one area. i am struggling to wade through this quicksand of emotions. i am trying to journal again. i thought that it would help me “find myself” so to speak. so far not a word on paper in my new pretty journal. zip. nada. nothing. the big zero. “How to Find the Inner You”, “How to Redefine Your Life”, “Where are You?”, “The Map to the Real You”, “The True You”, “This is Your Real Life”, “Your Life Begins Now”, “Life After Chronic Pain”, “Redefining the New You”… etc. all titles of books that would really help me now… if they existed (and they probably do, i just don’t want to pay the price for them, i mean,  after the title, what the hell do I want with them?) i have no patience to read a self-help book… i am just really trying to find a way to get myself to stop! write what i’m feeling down! and listen! and really… is this possible? i have journaled all my life, but for some reason, it really is asking a lot of me. you’ll just have to take my word on this one. (by the way, if you are thinking of writing a book and you were planning on using one of those titles above… ummmmm…. go for it. i’ll just take a one time cut. :) i know God has a path for me already written, i just need to stop! and listen! to Him. i never was very good at listening… my husband can definitely vouch for this. (oh man! did i really just put that in writing?)

so… why the lighthouse image for my blog this week? i’ll tell you why. two beautiful women celebrate their birthdays this week. i look to these women to provide safety in the dark for me and they have no idea how much they save me on a continual basis. one beautiful woman because she is and has been my best friend for the past 20+ years and has been there for me through thick and thin and even though i know i don’t call as much as i should… just knowing if i ever need anything i know she is there.  she gave me the very very best gift of all, my beautiful goddaughter. i would never have made it to this point in my life, if not for her love and strength… i would not be who i am without her in my life. she taught me how to be a professional, how to know and appreciate God, how to be a parent, how to be a girly-girl and without her in my life i would not have been so honored and blessed to know and love her Mother (and yes that is with a capital “M”!)… it would take a lifetime to just say how much she has blessed my life.

the second beautiful woman because through the friendship of our children, i have been blessed with the friendship of this woman. she has given of her heart over and over and over again and always ever so quietly. there is no way i would have survived the last six years without her friendship. she has a calming effect on me the moment i know she is around. her thoughtfulness, sense of humor, no bullshit attitude is so awesome! i look forward to strengthening our friendship with each birthday we celebrate.

they are my lighthouse in the storm that can be my life. dependable, steady… always there. i celebrate them. i hope that all of you have a lighthouse in your life. there are definitely a few other folks who are in this category who i will celebrate in a later blog…

thank you for reading! stay cool… please let me know how you are doing, leave a comment and let me know what’s on your mind.

take care and here’s a gentle hug for all my chronic pain readers.

tamiko

PS. Thank you so much to everyone!! I just passed 3000 hits to my blog this past week… that is too amazing… THANK YOU!!!

A Simple Post: My Fibro Journal Template… Use It & Track Your Daily Progress… YES I SAID PROGRESS!!

Hi everyone!

I created this template based on the 10 week Level II Pain Program I took at Kaiser and I have used it every day for a month. It has helped me remember to take my meds, really understand my sleep (lack of sleep), how my pain goes up and down, when and how often I flare and… when I talk to my dr… I can actually speak factually (what a concept)!

Try it, tell me what you think… these are just pictures. I posted it a couple of weeks ago, but I thought if I showed you what the pages looked like, you would be more apt to try it out. :) You can download the template in my Awesome Resources tab.

If you are not tracking your progress… if you don’t use my template… create your own or buy one or do something! It’s important so you can see your PROGRESS!!!! Even if it’s small, you do progress. Even if it doesn’t feel like it… you are making progress. You will have bad days… but you will have GOOD days. Journaling forces you to see the GOOD!!

Okay, I’m off my soap box. :)

Thanks for reading and have a super cool and pain-free week-end!

MY FOGGY BRAIN: Daily Fibro Journal - Page 1

MY FOGGY BRAIN: Daily Fibro Journal - Page 1

MY FOGGY BRAIN: Daily Fibro Journal - Page 2

MY FOGGY BRAIN: Daily Fibro Journal - Page 2

Eczema, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Depression & ADHD? Anything Else Want to Join This Party?

Let me tell you something funny. I thought I knew pretty much all I needed to know about Fibromyalgia. I thought I knew all the pain and exhaustion and crap that I was going to know that came with MY Fibromyalgia. Pretty funny, huh? Obviously I was naive and completely missed the chapter about the skin and the effects that FMS has on it. I admit it… I’m a dumbass. I have spent the last 3 days… one, two, three and let’s count today so this is the fourth day… itching like a dog dipped and rolled in fleas. If you could see me now… I have hives all over.

Pain+crazy itchy=psychotic mom. My dog Tani, also has some kind of crazy itchy thing going on. I want to do what she does. She literally walks and randomly throws herself on the floor, I mean this, THROWS herself on the floor and “THUD!” rolls to her backside and vigorously wiggles back and forth to scratch her back. I’m jealous. I want to do this. I know I sound crazy, but she looks pretty content when she’s done.

I gotta be honest, I think I’ve been pretty okay to live with. I haven’t thrown things around the house or screamed for no reason or even cried like there’s no tomorrow (although I’m seriously on the verge). I have pretty much just sat on this couch and played Facebook games on my computer. Non-stop. It’s the only thing that can distract me enough to keep me sane. Thank goodness there’s a new game to play as well… I can’t read or Twitter or watch TV. I can’t sit still or barely write this blog post. I’ve been trying to write it for the past 24 hours. Idle time for more than 10 seconds and I am scratching like crazy. This seriously SUCKS. I mean, I am ready to take any drug offered to make this stop. I am anxious and stressed and frustrated and exhausted all at the same time… AND in pain. How is this even possible?

If you could see me now….

It’s Wednesday and I just finished this post. I hit save and the page exploded before my eyes.

The login page comes up and I login and I come back and … it’s all gone. All my edits are gone up to the point where I had last saved. What do I do? Do I give up and just scream? Do I say eff it and just leave the post yet again for another day? (yes that is EXACTLY what my first reaction is) or do I suck it up and just finish it?

This is me sucking it up… so be nice! hahahahahaha.

So! It is Wednesday (I know I just said that, cut me some slack here) and I am still itching away… I found out the problem, I’m just not sure I believe it. On Friday, like a good patient, I had sent an email to my chronic pain doctor. On Monday he gave me a call and we talked about what the issue might be. He decided it wasn’t a reaction to my meds (good thing). He also thought it would be  a good idea for me to see my Primary Care Physician (PCP). I had a feeling this was going to happen. I still find it super cool that he even calls me to check in with me. Kaiser has such a bad reputation, the fact that he calls me, and first thing in the morning, and then tells me why he didn’t call me on Friday?? Awesome! The people in the Chronic Pain group…. they are the best! I can’t recommend the Level II Pain Program enough!!

I went in to see my PCP and she figures it’s chronic hives… I’m not so convinced. She’s thinking and asks me if I want to go on steroids. Hmmmm, how about NO! Prednisone? Hmmmm… HELL NO! Then she tells me she is going to have this “Roving Dermatologist” check me out. Cool. I’m cool with that. Sounds interesting and a good idea. We wait. I have my husband and daughter in the room with me. We wait. She comes in the room with my PCP (I just like saying that… funny how that acronym just happens to be the same as, well…. you know). Anyway, the Roving Derm and my PCP start talking and the Derm starts looking at my hives and asking me the questions, “when?”, “how long?”, “anything new?”, she wants to see where all the hives are and then she keeps asking me … literally over and over and over again… “did you use any new lotions?” me: “no” okay, “but, have you used any new lotions?” me: “ummmm, no”. It was almost as if she didn’t believe me. I guess she gave up after she kept getting the same answer. She then does this doctor speak with my PCP and pretends my family and I are not in the room. Riggghhhhhtttttt. This 6 foot black man is not in the room. I am thinking… “I wonder if I pinch her, will she notice?” and then I think… I better not, the consequences of that are probably not very good… and just as I finish with my thinking, the doctor bubble breaks and “PING!” we are all in the same room again. My PCP gives me my prescription and we are on our way. I like my PCP, but it’s always kind of a strange visit to me.

Steroid lotion and cream and Atarax. I start day 2 of this lotion/cream twice a day schedule along with an Atarax pill and so far it’s not really working, but I’m giving it a chance… because that’s the sort of girl I am! I don’t like to take the Atarax during the day. I have to get my work done so I will wait until it’s time for bed. This means I’m itchy all day… all I’m saying is… you don’t want to irritate me… you don’t want to irritate the irritable, right? Pass it on.

Okay and here’s the thing… Eczema, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Depression and ADHD?? Good damn thing I’m married!! I’d never find a man with all that shit! What I’m sayin’ is anything else want to join in this party?? You better come quick!! I’m closing the door to this gosh darn party, I’m lettin’ the door hit ADHD in the ass as it closes! This is bullshit!! I did not sign up for this, but I’m handling it. I’m takin’ it. I’m living with it and I’m not going to sit down and cry my eyes out. Try me, damnit!! Okay, maybe some days I’ll cry my eyes out… but not EVERYDAY!! These things do not make for the end of the world… they cannot kill me and I won’t let them kill my spirit. Right? Are ya with me?? Good!

I will say this though!!! 2000+ hits to my blog?? That is WAY TOO AWESOME!! When I first started writing this blog I never ever in my wildest dreams (okay now I am going a bit overboard, I don’t really dream about my blog, but you get my drift) thought that I would have this many folk read what I’m talkin’ about. I love the fact that people understand and get what I am talkin’ about.

You all have a wonderful and blessed day!! Leave your comments, I love to read them!

Stay super duper cool!

PS. I was chicken, you would have pinched her, right? :)

Today’s the Day! & Fibromite Journal Template

Today’s the day! Today is the day my son graduates from high school. Wow, where did the time go and when did I get so old? I mean that’s the real question right? How did I get old enough to have a high school graduate?? “How old are your children?” Now I’ll be saying my son is in college. Geez. That is just crazy.

My brain has been in complete overdrive getting ready for this graduation. I have been going in and out of a flare for the past week, which is better than a full on flare so I won’t complain. I only ask that I am able to get through to Sunday. I have written a couple posts yet not actually “posted” them because they just didn’t seem right. This is a really short post today, but a very meaningful one for me. For such a momentous day, I couldn’t let it pass without saying something… yet words are hard to come by.

In the mean time, I have created a template to track my daily life as a fibromite. It helps me see how I’m tracking day to day over time. I thought it might help you. You are welcome to it. Please let me know what you think. I worked on it for quite a while and tested it and reworked it until it worked for me…

PainJournal_MyFoggyBrain

I wish you all the best day today, I know this day will be one I will remember for the rest of my life… cherish those close to you, I have to keep reminding myself tomorrow is not promised! Thanks for reading.

Stay cool!

When the Anger & Frustration Get The Best of You, What Do You Do? Choose Calm…

I am counting down the days… less than two weeks away until my son graduates from high school. While there is a lot to celebrate, I feel like I am seriously being tested. Mentally and physically…

This is one of those “how much can you take?” tests. All I’m saying is…. REALLY???? Right now???? First of all, I am not complaining. Okay. I’m complaining a little bit. So, as you read this, you must want to know what I am going on about. Well, I’ll tell you.

Work…. on top of Life…. on top of … Work … on top of Life… on top of … well you get it.

It is exhausting.

When the anger and the frustration get the best of you, what do you do? It’s interesting, either it’s age or all of the training I have received in the last couple years, I feel like I am a lot more calm now than I have ever been. This is another way for me to keep a flare away. If I lose my temper, I am guaranteed a flare within 24 hours. So, honestly, it’s a choice I make. How about you?

How about your surroundings? Do you notice people around you are getting mad a lot quicker? It seems to me people also get really mad at the small stuff. It’s crazy to me. I just don’t get it. It’s such a waste of energy. I guess, for me, I have so little energy to start with I see no reason to waste it on the small shit. Maybe if people were in pain, they would feel the same way. It’s an interesting way to learn such a profound lesson, but that’s how I learned! He said/she said… why do YOU care what people think of you? What is really important is what YOU think of you. Think about what makes you angry and figure out WHY. Is it worth spending the little energy you have on that anger? Or would you rather do something else with that energy… like LAUGH?

We are surrounded. There’s no doubt about it. Road rage. The daily news. TV shows. Movies. Rude people. Rude people in general. I am amazed at how rude people are these days. Rude people raising rude children…. and so on and so on…

So! Don’t stand for it. Smile. Don’t let the small shit get to you. Don’t get angry, get over it! Treat people with respect… ya hear me? Let’s use our energy for positivity!! Stand up and shout about it!

If you feel like you are about to lose it… close your eyes, breeeeeeeaaaaathe, count to ten.

If you want to scream at your boss, your husband, a rude person, your doctor …. take a deep breath, close your eyes, breeeeeeeaaaaathe, count to ten.

So… I think you get my point. The person who is going to suffer the most at the end of the day is the fibromite in the anger game.

Choose calm. Thanks for checking my blog out. Please leave a comment.

Stay cool – and chillax!!

PS. It’s funny how I always start off with one train of thought… and I always seem to end up somewhere else. Oh well, I did say I had ADHD, right? LOL!

I am Flare Free!!! This and my Journey with Fibromyalgia the Last Few Weeks

I have to tell you… I have started this post and others many times. It is now May 16th and I am happy to say that I am flare free. Did you hear me??? FLARE FREE!!! Uh-uh. No. Don’t just read that sentence like it’s nothing. Read it again… Say it out loud with me. Wait a minute, Let me make it easier for you:

I   A M   F L A R E   F R E E !!!

I actually feel good. I can’t believe it. What the hell is going on? I’m not complaining or anything, but seriously, what the hell is going on? I like it! The timing is great! I need the energy to get through the next few weeks to get shit done. I hear you, PACE. I know. I am learning. Every day I am learning.

What I’m saying is… it can happen, I went from excruciating pain to feeling good. My medication is working. My exercise is working. It’s not magic. It’s not a miracle. It’s work, it’s what I learned from Physical Therapy, Counseling and research and most  important it’s about being consistent! Don’t give up. Each and every day I have to remind myself that it takes positivity and work to create change. Some days it takes more positivity than others… “This too shall pass” are the words I meditate by on those days. I deep breathe and on the in and out, I say those words and with each breath I get a little bit calmer.

This last 6 weeks has been a super-duper challenge for me. I thought I was going to lose the ability to walk and was starting to wonder about the use of my hands. Very scary. Noone can understand the fear this creates in the brain of a fibromite. I am feeling really blessed to be able to walk without my cane for an entire day.  I’m excited to be able to go to my son’s High School graduation in a couple weeks and not have to worry about being completely out of it. I can walk without everyone asking me what happened! This. is. awesome.

I understand tomorrow is not promised. I understand tomorrow I could wake up and not be able to walk. I have not lost my marbles (well that can be debated, I know! :)). Today is a great and awesome day. I am going to enjoy it. I am going to appreciate what I have. If tomorrow is completely different, I will deal with it when it comes. For now? I can walk and I can do what I want and I LOVE it!!

You all have a beautiful week and thank you so much for stopping by! Please leave a comment and let me know how you are doing.

Stay cool!

PS. I started and stopped the two posts below and never got around to posting them, I thought I’d include these posts with this one since it’s all a part of my journey…

Wait Do I Really Have Fibro?

It’s May 13th… April 9th is when it started. That is the day I woke up to the most horrible FLARE in a long time and I am praying tonight that it is finally coming to an end. Today was the first day that I woke up and felt human. I had one of those days, you know what I’m talking about — you wake up and you think “Wait, do I really have fibro… I’m feeling really good right now!”.

I felt so good I didn’t want to admit it to anyone. I didn’t want to say it out loud. I didn’t want to even whisper it. I did, however, say to myself “Today’s going to be a good day!” over and over in my head. I believe in the power of positive thinking.

You have to understand… stay with me for a minute.

  • For the last month I haven’t been able to stand up in the shower, wash my own hair and to get really personal, on most days I needed help to wash my own body.
  • I haven’t been able to walk without my cane. Walking with my cane, making it around the block would be an amazing feat!
  • I haven’t driven myself anywhere in so long, it’s amazing I even know how to drive anymore!
  • Just this week… I was in a wheelchair on Tuesday so I could participate at a conference with my colleagues at work. A wheelchair. Let me say that again… a wheelchair. Once more, a wheelchair, and let me say I was the first one to use it AND I borrowed it from a woman in her 90’s who is in WAY better shape than I.
  • Just yesterday, I was in tears I was in so much pain before going to the office.

All of a sudden today, I was able to walk without my cane and I was able to get through most of my restorative yoga class and it’s the end of the day and I now definitely feel the pain, but I’m still okay. This pain stuff is just crazy. So, all I’m sayin’ is… the FLARE better be gone! It visited for over a month, it’s definitely time to go!!

Things are about to get really crazy around here… and I mean crazy. PACE is going to either be my best friend or my enemy. I guess that’s the real definition of FRENEMY. Lord have mercy. Did I really just say that? Seriously. I need help. I mean mental help, I’m starting to lose it. Okay, so I already lost it… so that just means I don’t have to worry about losing “it”, right? If anyone finds my “it” anywhere… just send “it” back to me. I don’t know what you’d want my “it” for anyway, you can see by the way I operate, my “it” is not in very good condition!

See how easily I am distracted? FOCUS! Okay so! I have a lot coming up in these few weeks, I don’t have time for a FLARE.

Day 25 of My Very Intense Flare…

I will apologize now. I am not the most upbeat today. It’s Day 25 of a very intense flare. One of the most intense flares in, wow, SIX months! Just looking back through my posts, I thought it had been much longer, but it’s only been six months. I am now feeling just a little bit worse. I am going to allow myself to feel like shit for just this moment so I will hopefully feel better by the time I get done writing this post. It’s getting very difficult for me to keep it together minute to minute, hour to hour, day-to-day as this flare continues.

This flare is different from before… very different. For the first time in the history of my flares, I cannot get enough sleep. I am tired all the time. I mean, I am exhausted when I go to sleep, when I wake up, when I eat, when I work, when I breathe… just when. On Monday when I went to the dr., he got it. Exhaustion from pain. This time is different. I am in level 8-10 pain 24 hours a day, 7 days a week… every second of the day… and it makes me tired. It makes me frustrated and it’s starting to make me really angry. I am really, really, really trying not to let this shit take over my life.

Today was the day I hit the wall. If I had the strength I would have beat the shit out of the wall. I have taken a vacation and not been able to walk, I have been to a wedding and not been able to dance, I have been to the beach twice and not been able to walk to the ocean… for me? not walking to the ocean is actually a first… I should not whine, it’s a blessing that I can walk at all. It’s a blessing that I am able to go to the beach and I was invited to a wedding… a beautiful wedding with some great people and I got to watch my son dance all night, it was the best night ever! What the hell am I complaining about? I’m not complaining… I’m not.

I believe what I am trying to say is… I am tired. I am in a lot of pain and it is hard to deal with. Some days are harder than others and today is one of those hard days.