Chronic Pain

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Be Blessed… Accepting Your Limitations

Soooooooo…. another doctor’s appointment come and gone and once again I left the office with no answers. Today I went to the audiologist to see if there was any reason why I have this constant high pitch tone flowing through my head 24×7. OF COURSE I waited many, many months before going in… and OF COURSE I left with the same answers I have 90% of the time I go into the doctor’s office… and that is OF COURSE — NO ANSWERS!! Oh wait, I did get one answer… a referral back to my PCP. Woohoo!! Well, let me find the positive in this. I do not have any loss of hearing. And trust me, no sarcasm… I do appreciate that something is working the way it is supposed to! There’s a positive for every negative, right?

What a time in our lives… our daughter is graduating from high school in about six weeks. Damn. SIX WEEKS!! (I have no idea why I am using so many caps, I’m really not trying to yell at you.) I forget how much is involved with these graduations. We are in the process of selecting a college. When I say “we”, I actually mean “she” with a little help from us. She just had her senior prom… she’s planning a senior trip… we are planning her graduation party… senior pictures… college commitment/ housing/ budgeting… CALGONNNNNNNNNNNNNNN take me AWAYYYYYY!!!!!! (only those of you that are on the older side will remember that commercial… here’s a link for your viewing pleasure.)

IMG_4270It’s times like this when I tend to forget I am not physically able to do it all. For every one busy day, I tend to have two days where I’m down. Lately it’s been a lot more down days, than able days. We drove up to Eugene, OR to check out the University of Oregon. An amazing campus. The drive up was very nice, but sitting in the car is not easy for long periods of time. We knew it was going to be tough so we made several stops along the way… we took our time. Accepting my limitations in this instance made all the difference. When we arrived in Eugene, I was doing okay. Whew! The next day, however, was a bit trickier. We had scheduled a tour of the campus for 10:00am. We arrived early so we wouldn’t be stressed out, again planning in advance… what we couldn’t plan for was how fast the walking tour was. This tour guide was very enthusiastic. To make things even more challenging it was very cold outside. So just picture a very brisk walk for 90 minutes in and out of buildings, up and down stairs and in the cold… This is where I tend to not speak up. I don’t want to be a burden or slow a group down so I stayed the course and I made it through. I was really proud that I made it. The rest of that day IMG_9659and the next morning… MAN DOWNNNN!!!! What can I say? I did my best and we actually accomplished everything we wanted to. We just did it in our own time and tried not to stress. We made it home and I was able to rest up for a couple days before going back to work today.

I know there’s a lot coming in the next couple months. I just have to keep reminding myself that it’s okay to ask for help and it’s okay if everything is not 100% perfect. It will be the best we have to offer and as far as everyone is concerned it will still be great! The thing is… it’s not about me. It’s so easy sometimes to just get all engrossed in how crappy I feel, I have to remind myself that it really is NOT about me 99% of the time. It helps to remember that although I am in pain and struggling with depression/anxiety… it could always be worse. Like I could be losing my hearing!

It really has been a rough year. I have struggled with my depression/anxiety a lot this year. For one reason or another, my flares are closer and closer together and they seem to last longer. I know I can do better with taking care of myself, but as you all know, it’s damn frustrating living like this. To have a week without any kind of pain would be amazing. To be able to take time off work for vacation and not be sick… what a concept!

Listen, I realize each day is a challenge living with Fibromyalgia and Depression and Anxiety and Essential Tremor and GERD and ADD and… oh wait, sorry, lost my train of thought. Anyway! I realize every day is a challenge living with all the crap we live with, but we just have to remind ourselves to accept our limitations and remind ourselves of the blessings we have each day.

Which leads me to … I am still journaling every day! I haven’t missed a day without snapping a picture or journaling. There have been a few days where I have just put a picture because I was too sick to do any more than that… but I have kept up the practice of journaling every day! Find something that helps you think about the positive in your life. As I look back through the pictures I have snapped since the first of the year, I can’t help but smile.

Thank you so much for stopping by and please have a blessed day!

Gently hugz…

Tamiko

 

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Let Go and Let God… Be Blessed!

4:44am… this is the time i woke up this morning. Every time I sit down to write I feel like I start with the mindset of how crazy life is… or how much of a roller coaster I feel like I’m on with the pain and emotion. 4:44am… for the last few weeks I keep waking up between 3 and 5 in the morning. Most days I force myself to stay in bed. I read or just lay there and eventually I doze off for another hour. Today I decided I’d go downstairs and check my blog.

It’s such a blessing to me to see how many folks visit my blog and to those of you that take the time to share your thoughts, I say a ginormous (I love that word)… THANK YOU! I still can’t get over the fact that over 35,000 people have stopped by. This is definitely one of the life accomplishments I am most proud of. Quietly proud as I don’t really talk about my blog. I have been asked many times for interviews… I’m more than happy to contribute via email or writing up something for a specific purpose. The times that I am asked for interviews over the phone or video… I feel very honored, I just can’t bring myself to do it. This blog is so personal to me, it’s like my private diary… for many years I wrote anonymously. The thought of talking out loud about it completely freaks me out. For the most part I only share what I’m going through with all of you. I trust that you all know what I’m talking about, what I share is nothing surprising or new… it’s meant to be validation that we are are not alone in our pain.

IMG_0041These last few months have been … well, they’ve been painful in so many ways. We lost an amazing, AMAZING woman much too soon in life. She taught me so many things over the years. This loss has been so very painful. It’s not as if you can put a number to the pain one feels when losing family or friends. Without Jennifer and her daughter, my best friend, I would never have accepted God into my life. I would have never known what it means to be a gracious host or how to make a table look bountiful and beautiful. Jennifer gave me tips on everything from simply how to make my hair look shiny, how to cut vegetables, how to handle itchy skin (Sarna lotion does wonders) to the most complex things like how to raise children and how to read the bible and Believe. It was an honor to be by her side the last few weeks of her life. She died with dignity and she showed me yet another lesson… to the end she fought to be independent. She had a strength in her spirit that even in her last days she wanted everyone to know that God is the final answer, not doctors. Only God knows the path and timing. Let go and let God. A very strong message and one that so many of us forget. Thank you for that and so much more Jennifer. There are hundreds of lives that you touched, many of them children that you helped to raise and mold into the wonderful human beings that they are today. What a treasure.

Also, these painful times bring out the best and worst in people. Thankfully I have the most giving people in my life. When in need, I know I can count on these women to lend a helping hand. My way of healing is always to stay busy and give in some kind of way. Friends just doesn’t seem enough of a word… my family of friends have come together countless times now to put together memory boards. It is during these times I am able to quietly grieve and creatively pull together a lifetime of memories through pictures and scrapbook pages to share. Working alongside these beautiful souls makes my days so much easier. There is no way to ever thank these ladies enough for the help, the meals, the friendship. To know what I’m going through… and with very limited communication… these ladies just say “What can I do to help?” and then they show up at my door. It’s amazing. They are amazing.

There have been many sad and challenging events in the past weeks. Some I have handled well, others not so well. But I have done my best and that’s all I can hope for. I can see the world changing before me and I am really trying to move with the changes. I am not that small child who can lift my hand to my mom and dad for help. It’s my turn to help them… or at least I feel like it should be my time to help them… although let’s be honest, at my age I do still turn to them for guidance and support. And in their moment of need… like a grease fire in their kitchen. Instead of asking me for help, they are telling me to focus on grieving and helping my friend and not worry about them. I can only hope that my husband and I can be half the parents mine have been to us. If we are supposed to make our children better, my parents have definitely done an awesome job with teaching my husband and me… and our children… and those people that have taken advantage of their life experiences and wisdom. So when I lift my hand to my mom and dad, although I’m not that small child… I do still and will always look up to them.

IMG_1795There are days when I want to just curl up in the fetal position and get in bed, pull the covers over my head and close my eyes. But I have to face the challenges and accept that we are getting older, we are all getting older. Age brings the knowledge that life is precious, tomorrow is not promised so we need to try to live each day as if it is our last. Don’t have regrets, focus on what is most important. What is most important to you? For me, it is my family and friends. My goddaughter’s senior night, taking pictures of my daughter and her friends before the homecoming dance, spending those precious moments with my son just talking… spending the day with friends and family in the city. Going to quilt festivals and crafting. And yes, even taking time for myself to relax in front of the TV and catch up on my General Hospital (stuff is about to get real with Jake/Jason!).

It always comes back to this for me… count your blessings. Okay don’t count them, you don’t want to focus on numbers. BE blessed. Just be blessed. Let yourself enjoy life and focus on the good and not the bad. You will have pain of all sorts, but do your best to overcome it and spend your days feeling the best you possibly can. Laugh as much as you can, I hear it’s the best medicine. :)

Have an awesome day!

Tamiko

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How has Fibromyalgia Affected You?

You know how one singular day can seem really long? Like you are sitting (or standing) at work and you can’t wait for the day to end? Every minute feels like an hour and every hour feels like a day… the struggle to get through the day is so hard that you wonder to yourself, “How many days like this can I possibly endure?”. My days have felt like that a lot since the beginning of the year. It’s crazy how long this stupid flare has gone on. It’s dumb, the word “flare” doesn’t even define what has been going. In the dictionary, the words used to define flare lead one to believe it’s sudden but quick… a bright light used to bring attention. Well, I’m sure all of you are well aware, the attention part is definitely correct. No way you could ignore this shit. Bright light? Not so much. Although I imagine inside my body there’s a bright light at the points where all the pain hits in my muscles and nerves. I must look like a Christmas tree inside… before Santa drops off all the wonderful gifts. Sudden but quick? Not in the least. My mom asked me the other day about being in remission. I never thought about that word, I’ve only associated that with cancer. Again, the words in the dictionary used to define that word are, “a period of time during a serious illness when the patient’s health improves“. It is fitting, but it would feel strange to use it. Although, right now I’d be ecstatic to apply that definition to myself!

Yesterday my husband and I shared our 21st wedding anniversary together… our 29th year together. A year ago, on our 20th wedding anniversary we celebrated it in the hospital. That was the day I had surgery. One I hope never to have again. But it makes me think. Time seems to go by so slow most days, while a year ago seems like only yesterday. Time is a funny thing, in one moment it can feel like it will never pass while only a moment later it feels like it’s going at warp speed. It reminds me that I need to do a much better job of living in the moment. Not worry about later today or tomorrow or ten years from now. Make the most of right now.
Our anniversary celebration didn’t go at all like we planned. We were going to go watch the sunset on the coast, enjoy some good food and maybe go for a walk along the beach. Sounds wonderful. Afternoons and evenings are the hardest for me so although I felt pretty good in the morning, by afternoon I could barely walk. So we ate in and watched TV. When I apologized to my husband later in the evening, he was not very happy with me. He constantly reminds me that what I am going through is not forever, it’s just a moment in time. We’ve had decades together and so many wonderful memories… he knows that this too shall pass and we will again be walking along the beach. I am so blessed to have this man in my life.

Which leads me to another topic. I was asked recently to contribute to a medical magazine (the kind you see while waiting at the doctor’s office) and one of the questions I was asked is how Fibromyalgia has affected me… as you can imagine, I am definitely most affected by my lack of independence. I rely on my husband for everything. He’s amazing. He takes care of everything… he cooks all the meals, keeps the house clean, makes sure the kids have everything they need and he makes sure I enjoy life. He makes me laugh every day and he supports all my trial and errors in the hopes something will ease the pain. He’s amazing. I have a lot of respect for those of you that are on your own or in a relationship where you don’t have the support you need. One of my biggest worries is what I would do if I were on my own… but right now… in this moment… I just don’t have the energy to figure that out and more important I just said two paragraphs ago I need to make the most of right now. Damn… bad habits are hard to break!

I woke up this morning feeling so blessed. I say this a lot, but I don’t think it’s possible to say it too much. Keep the folks around you that love and support you. Get rid of any negativity. It’s hard enough without having people bring you down or bring drama into your life. I believe what keeps me going is that I know, no matter what, I am loved. I have hit the lowest lows in the past few months, I have questioned my reason to live when it feels like every day is so hard… I have gone into that dark place. When I hit rock bottom I find so many reasons to end the pain… but I only need one reason to keep going. Love. That’s when I see the light shining through the darkness. Don’t let the pain and frustration take away all the moments of love and laughter you will have in your future. It’s there… it may seem out of reach at times but sometimes it’s right in front of you and all you need to do is look up.

I wish you a pain-free day and a day I hope is filled with love and laughter!

Tamiko

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How Honest Are You?

… vent, vent vent… complain, complain, complain… this is how i feel. I feel like everyday I say the same damn thing. It goes something like this…

girl-150102_640“I am not feeling well”

“I am exhausted”

“I am in a lot of pain”

“That food was so good!” … and an hour later… “That food made me really sick”

“I don’t have the energy for that”

“My legs aren’t working” … “My hands are killing me” … “I have a migraine” … ” …

I can go on and on and literally ON! I know a lot of you folks out there feel like every time you describe to your family or those closest to you how you are feeling … it’s like a broken record. Should we lie? If I don’t tell the truth people assume that I’m feeling perfectly fine and then expectations change. The truth of the matter is, just as quickly as I forget what pain feels like, others forget what me in pain looks like. And honestly… be super-duper honest… is there ever a moment in the day when you don’t feel any pain? For me, the answer is an adamant “NO!” (I’m really not shouting at you… just making a point). So if I go with my baseline pain level and call that “fine” and then just speak to my worse than baseline symptoms, is that better? And better for who? Me? My family?

What prompted all this? Well… I’m not sure. I think it’s because I have been in a flare for months now. I’m not sure how long because at the beginning of this calendar year I, for no rhyme or reason, stopped using my calendar. I had a calendar last year that I wrote all my health stuff in… this year I just haven’t had the energy. I’m not even sure it’s a lack of energy thing as much as it is I got tired of thinking about everything. I’ll be honest… I’m kind of a mess right now. But, as I was saying, I feel like I’ve been flaring for months. I don’t recall being in a flare for this long in years. It’s just not calming down.

So, is it a burden for my family and friends to carry if I am honest about how I am feeling or is it a burden for me to keep the truth to myself? What’s the balance and where do you draw the line? I’ll tell you what. I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling like shit. I’m tired of being depressed. I’m tired of never being able to say… “I feel GREAT!”. I’m just flippin’ tired.

And now that I have vented and complained what the hell am I going to do about it? Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm, can this be one of those days where I just vent and complain? Do we get those days? I think if you talked to my husband he’d tell you I definitely have those days… but that’s not what I want to do with you folks out there who have chosen to follow my blog. We all have these shitty days, but to just vent and complain brings everyone down including ourselves. How do you get out of the pit of pain and depression? I believe you have to be kind to yourself. Acknowledge that you will have bad days and today is one of them. Tomorrow is a new day. It’s a new opportunity to have a less painful day. A less down day… one that could be a happy day. It sounds strange, but in our world of chronic pain – pain and happy go together. You cannot let the pain take your happiness away. If you don’t allow yourself to be happy while in pain… the alternative is not a life worth living.

IMG_0379Yesterday was a pain and happy day. I was having some issues walking, but I was determined… I couldn’t let that ruin our family day. We started the morning out playing soccer with my exercise ball in our bedroom (don’t tell the kids) – I don’t think I’ve laughed that hard in a long time (let’s just say we were almost in the market for a new tv)… followed by an awesome breakfast the kids made for Father’s Day and then we all piled in the car and spent the day together. A day which included walking… which was extremely painful. In this instance I was not about to let the pain get in the way of everyone’s happiness and just as important mine. We had a beautiful day which I managed with pain meds, laughter, joy and a lot of positive self-talk. A pain and happy day.

So back to my question… how honest should we be? Maybe I will try another approach. Maybe I’ll use the baseline approach and if I’m feeling my normal pain, I’ll say, “I’m doing good!”… I might even try to start saying, “I’m doing great!”. If I’m feeling worse than normal, I can just say “It’s not a great day”.

Our lives are not predictable. The only thing we know for sure is that there is going to be pain, we are going to be uncomfortable. We are going to have days where we want to scream and shout, stomp our feet (although that would cause more pain), and cry… but after you realize your life could be a lot worse and that you are surrounded by the best family and friends anyone could ask for… you realize how blessed you are. Today may be hard… but there’s always tomorrow.

Thanks for stopping by! I love hearing from you either by email or comments.

Stay cool and relax… Gentle hugz!

Tamiko

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How do you Recover?

How do you recover? I never seem to ask myself this question. I know I should plan for pain. I know when I’m going to be in more pain than normal based on my upcoming activities. But for the most part I have an attitude of “I am going to enjoy myself and deal with the consequences after...” It may not be the smartest approach, but I tell my husband all the time… if I stop doing things because of my pain, I’ll never do anything! Pace yourself… we hear this all the time. Stay away from stress… another major tip we hear… but, honestly, pacing myself stress me out!

In the last few months I have created my own awesomely good days… I have sewed with friends, went on vacation with my mom and daughter, surprised my dad with a party for his 80th birthday and watched my daughter prepare for her prom. After each big event it takes me weeks to recover. I do my best to pace myself and stay away from stress, but as you know… life happens.

Recovering from any activity that takes energy has to be balanced by down time. Throughout all those great events, I have endured the longest flare I’ve had in years. I have no idea what is going on, but for one reason or another my body decided it didn’t want to manage the pain efficiently. It just wanted to be in pain … every… single… day. If it’s not the pain from Fibromyalgia, it’s the pain from IBS. Thankfully, my depression has been somewhat under control.

If you ask yourself, is it worth it? As I know many of us do… on a regular basis… especially when in the midst of an ongoing flare. When it’s all said and done, the answer has to be a resounding “YES!”. There are nights when the pain from my day’s activity is so great, laying in bed is painful. My legs are throbbing from the inside out and my neck and shoulders hurt so bad even my skin hurts. I have taken more pain meds in the last few months than I have in years. It’s been the only way I am able to sleep… and let’s be honest, in the middle of a flare, who really gets good sleep? I generally wake up around 2 or 3 and end up reading until I can fall asleep again… and then wake up a few hours later. This does not make for good sleep.

I work full-time and I thank God every day that I am able to work from home. But… working from home means it’s really hard to call in sick. I mean you have to be pretty bad off to call in sick. At least I do. I feel bad if I have to stop working early because I am in too much pain. There have been many days where I’ve felt like I could have done a better job or worked a little harder, but due to this ongoing flare, work has been tough. On the plus side, since I have such a hard time sleeping, there have been more than a few days where I’ve started working between 4:30 and 5. Not only am I thankful that I am able to work from home, the folks I work with are extremely supportive and understanding. I couldn’t ask for a better working situation. I can’t even begin to imagine what it would be like if I wasn’t blessed with the work situation I am in.

In preparing for my daughter’s prom night, I had to leave abruptly from her make up appointment because I all of a sudden felt really sick and could not endure standing (or sitting) any longer. My husband picked me up, and as he drove me home I felt like a loser mom for missing out on even one part of this big day. I went home and laid down for 45 minutes so I could recover. There was literally NO WAY I was going to miss seeing her all dressed up with her date and friends. I was not going to miss the opportunity to take pictures at the park. I knew when I got home I was going to collapse… and I did. But it was worth it. I also realized that missing out on a small part of the day so I could enjoy the main event was something that I needed to do. It was a blessing that my cousin was at the appointment so I could leave. Recovery…

We surprised my dad for his 80th birthday 10 days ago. All the preparation and work towards the event was so worth it when he walked in the room and I saw his expression. At the end of the night when I got home, I literally crawled up my stairs to my room, took a bunch of pain meds and went to sleep. The next day was my daughter’s 17th birthday and I had family visiting from out-of-town… we all got together for a big breakfast at my folks house. Although I could barely walk, the pain was not going to win. We ended up creating more memories of fun and laughter as we ate great food and visited with each other. That day ended with a trip over the hill to Santa Cruz with my daughter and her friend for dinner to celebrate her birthday and watch the sun set. A perfect week-end.

I am determined to enjoy my life. How do I deal with the non-stop pain? How do I recover? I think about how blessed I am. I think about how much joy is in my life. I think about the look on my dad’s face when he walked into that room full of people who have loved him for decades. I think about how much laughter there was on vacation with my mom and daughter. I think about how damn beautiful my daughter looked on her prom night. What could stop me from enjoying these moments? Nothing! I cannot imagine missing these moments. I say screw you pain!!! (I could use more harsh words… but… that would be rude)

On this May 12th, Fibromyalgia Awareness Day… I say let your joy, laughter and blessings be your recovery. Enjoy life, don’t kill yourself doing it, but definitely don’t go the other extreme and stop living. You deserve better!

Before I say good-bye, I have to say how thankful I am to be recognized for the fourth year in a row as one of the top bloggers in Healthline’s 2015 Best Fibromyalgia Blogs. I am so proud to have made the list, it means a lot… and Congratulations to the other winners!!

2015Healthline

Thanks for stopping by… I hope today was an awesome day for you!

Tamiko

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No Pain… No… Fun?

My mind has all these thoughts flying around… I have started and stopped writing for the last couple weeks so many times, I’m not even sure what I’m trying to say. So I decided to do one of those “stream of consciousness” posts… whatever is on my mind I’m going to write about today. Reader beware… you’ve been warned. :)

DSC_0057

This amazing rag quilt was made for my daughter’s 16th birthday by my good friend at Williamsville Arts

In the last couple weeks I have learned how to sew… seriously. A very, very close friend came and stayed with me for a few days and she taught a few of us how to make rag quilts. It was the best time I’ve had in a long time. We literally got up in the morning and worked from morning until late at night. There was great food, great conversation and so much smiling and laughter in the room that it didn’t matter how much pain I was in. The pain was worth it! You’ve heard of, “No Pain, No Gain”… well I think my new saying is going to be, “No Pain, No Fun”. I’m good with that. I will endure the pain if it means I can spend time with friends and family and have a fun time. There may have been physical pain, but there was definitely no anxiety because it was just a small group of us, everyone is low maintenance and easy. Hanging out with no anxiety is an awesome thing. You know what I mean… you can be in a room full of people that you know and there’s still a level of anxiety that is hard to ignore. For me, crafting with friends is always such a great time. No depression… no anxiety… no grey clouds hanging over my head… perfection!

There was definitely pain. I was also able to get through the pain because I started and ended my day with my husband putting this Warming CBD Muscle Rub all over my neck, shoulders and back. I was asked to give it a try and I’ll tell you, this stuff is pretty awesome. Now every time I have significant pain, I put this stuff on and it really makes a difference. After having tried so many things for my pain, I’m pretty hesitant to try anything new… now my husband is asking me when I’m going to get more. This is the first time in a long time I’ve used something this much. The sewing week-end was a great test. Each morning and night I was in a pretty significant amount of pain. We were sitting in chairs in front of our sewing machines for hours and hours. I could barely move… If you are looking for something new and all natural to try, you should give it a try. The folks at the Fay Farm are very nice and I’m a believer now. I’m not getting anything out of recommending this… I just know that there have been many times that I wished someone would just tell me what worked/ didn’t work for them. I’m not really going to say what didn’t work because I don’t want to down anybody’s products (and honestly just because something doesn’t work for me doesn’t mean it it won’t work for someone else)… but I will share the stuff that works for me. Deal? Deal!

And can I just say that after this week-end of awesome fun and laughter… I went through the following week with some not so fun shit to deal with. Excuse my language. Let me tell you… and this is going to be TMI, but I can’t really tell the story without giving some details. Over my sewing week-end I noticed some bleeding, post-menopausal bleeding. I’m thinking, “No big deal…” When I ask my friends what they think… they are like, “You better call the doctor!” We all know how much fun going to the doctor is. Why not just make the appointment, walk out the house, stand outside for 15 minutes, come back in and say to yourself… “There’s nothing wrong with you, it’s just a side effect of the Fibromyalgia.” That’s pretty much how I feel everytime someone recommends I go to the doctor. Anyway! I made the appointment and went in and let me just say… I was perfectly calm… I will even say I was just going through the routine when the doctor says to me… “Well, I think we need to take a biopsy, we can do it now or you can make an appointment to come back. I generally tell my patients to take an Ibuprofen before doing a biopsy to help with the pain.” Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm… queue laughing track. I literally asked her if the difference between me getting the biopsy now or later was taking some Ibuprofen and she said yes. Well considering Ibuprofen is like eating candy for me (a nasty tasting candy that you aren’t supposed to chew), I went through with the procedure. DAMN! DAMN! DAMN! That hurt. She was good, she talked me through it… but I was definitely not prepared for that kind of pain. While I’m sitting there eating my graham crackers and drinking the juice they gave me to bring my blood sugar back to normal, I tell the doctor that I am scheduled to travel and be out of town for a few days. She gets all hesitant and to make a long story short, she tells me she needs to be able to get a hold of me in case we need to make plans. I’m like, plans for what? I mean I am starting to freak out now. She’s hesitating with me and telling me that in case it’s cancer, she will need to get a hold of me. I’m sorry… “WHAT?” I came in here to hear you tell me that it’s no big deal, it’s just a side effect of Fibromyalgia and you are telling me it might be cancer? Not what I bargained for. So, needless to say I spent a few days mostly convinced nothing was wrong with me, but still slightly concerned I had cancer. Results came back benign but here’s where you actually want to walk away hearing that it’s just the Fibro. It really made me think. It’s the one and ONLY time I have ever actually wished a doctor would tell me my problem is not a problem that can be treated because it’s the Fibro or I would have even taken that look of “Why are you here, there’s nothing really wrong with you” that some doctors give when they don’t really believe Fibromyalgia is a real thing. Makes ya think, huh? Another lesson learned. I could have done without this lesson, thank you very much!

When did my kids grow up? I mean where was I when they became these young adults walking around the house? I am looking at my life and thinking I really am kinda pp,550x550hitting my mid-life (hahahaha! Hitting? How about hit awhile ago!). When is that mid-life crisis going to come? I’d like a tiny bit of warning because I’m already dealing with so much crazy… to add to it?? Please give me some warning!! I’ve always wanted a convertible… so that’s not really an indication. And honestly, I don’t want any specific anything so much that it screams, “I AM YOUNG AGAIN!”. What I really want most these days is to go to the beach for a couple weeks somewhere tropical and do nothing but read, lay in the shade, watch the sunrise and set… eat good food AND most important I’d really love while I’m on the flight over to this magical place to go through some kind of Bermuda (but not “the” Bermuda) Triangle that results in everyone becoming… let’s just say looking and feeling like their perfect weight/ size. Can I get that for my mid-life crisis? Where can I book this trip? I’ll take the pain (well I’ll take the pain as long as it doesn’t get any worse than it is now… always a caveat)… but like I was saying… I’ll take the pain for the beauty of a tropical beach, some great chick lit books, yummy food and of course the company of my husband! The having a great body part would just be over the top, but damn wouldn’t that be wonderful! I’d love to talk more about the weight thing… but that would just drag me down and it’s not worth getting depressed over – just these few words has affected my happy feeling… soooooooo STOP! Let’s go back to thinking about the beach.DSC_0092

I guess I will settle for a drive over to Santa Cruz for a day to watch the sunset (which by the way is pretty damn amazing!) every now and then. I just need it every few weeks so I can get to that zen feeling. You know that awareness when you look at the ocean that your life’s worries and challenges are so small against the vastness of the universe. That this world God created is awesome and how blessed we all are to live and how important it is to take advantage of our natural surroundings. I need the reminder to get out of my own head. It’s so easy to get caught up in work or just life in general that you forget to actually enjoy life.

So my moral for today is to enjoy your life. Find a way to balance the pain so you can have fun, laugh, love, feel the joy of living. If you don’t remember what that’s like, go outside and find some solitude at the beach, at a park, at a pond… in your backyard. Wherever you can go that will allow you to breathe in the fresh air, meditate for a bit, appreciate your surroundings and realize you are alive and you deserve to live a good life!!

Or… you can always sit down and write your own stream of consciousness… I promise you, you’ll feel better for it. Even if it doesn’t make sense to anyone else, it will make sense to you… and that’s really all that matters.

Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to read today. I wish you a relaxed morning, day, evening wherever you are.

Gentle Hugz.

Tamiko