This past week-end, I did something unbelievable… I went to see a movie with my mom and my daughter. I never imagined this was a possibility. I can’t remember the last time I went to see a movie with my mom. Her vision has declined over the years and she has never been a “go to the movie” type of person (unless we go WAY back to the drive-in days). So I’m sitting at dinner with my family last week and I hear my mom and Kiyomi talking… my mother is telling Kiyomi she’d go see this movie with her… I thought I was hearing things. No WAY did she just tell Kiyomi she’d go INSIDE a movie theatre and watch a movie. What? I stopped asking to see a movie with her because she was always worried about not being able to see. This was an opportunity I was not going to miss out on.
So … on Sunday, my girlfriend, my mom, my daughter and I all went to see Frozen. I honestly had no idea what I had signed up for. I hadn’t really seen previews and had no clue what the movie was about. I was really nervous about getting my mom inside the theatre and seated so we went early (or we attempted to go early but the theatre box office and doors were very late opening). The theatre near my parent’s house was perfect. In fact everything worked out perfect! The handicap parking was literally yards from the entrance… the handicap seating was perfect… the popcorn was awesomely delicious… I was sitting behind her and Kiyomi during the movie and I would keep looking to make sure she was okay… it was a little emotional, if I’m being honest (which I always am when I blog!). Seeing my mom and Kiyomi sitting next to each other watching the movie was a beautiful thing. Just seeing my mom enjoying herself as she watched the movie… well, like I said, I was a little emotional. I wanted to bottle it up so I could remember the moment… the feeling… forever. AND let me tell you what made that day so… welllll… the only word that describes it is… PERFECT! My mom said it was the best movie she had ever seen (it was a very good movie). There’s nothing more satisfying (or emotional) than seeing my mom happy.
That day made me start to think… My life has been crazy. There’s no doubt I need to get back to a healthier/ happier me. It’s so easy to get caught up in the wrong priorities… to forget what’s important in life. And, not just what’s important, but what is a privilege and a blessing. Being able to spend time with my parents is definitely that. Having my children spend time with their extended family is a blessing. The fact my brother and my father rarely miss any soccer games and they make our kids a priority… we are blessed.
2014 has just begun… one of my goals for this year is to take 30 seconds out of each hour to just stop and remember what I am thankful for in that moment. It’s not easy to remember to do, but I have the rest of this year to be successful!
I hope that you all have many blessings in your life and that you are making positive changes to make you a healthier and happier person. One day at a time, right? Or for those of us that are dealing with chronic pain… one minute, one hour at a time. Don’t let stuff get you down, look for the good and let go of the bad.
Wow… even though it’s not unusual for me to go a long time in between blog postings, I have to say, I’m always a bit disappointed in myself for being so out of touch. The last three to four months have been challenging, tough, crazy, emotional… and so on and so on and so on! Just another day in the life, right? I know that I’m not the only one who goes through these ups and downs in life. I firmly believe that those people who are just always going through life without any struggle at all… well, for one they are the exception and for two (is that really how you say this grammatically?), for two… they aren’t human. Everyone has to have some amount of struggle in their life, some people are just wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy better at handling it than I. I get it. I’m my worst enemy. Well, me and my medical crap. No excuses! (Me yelling at myself)
So we are approaching the end of 2013. My annual family project to create a scrapbook page reflecting my most memorable moments from this year plus goals for the upcoming year is just days away. My husband helped me to start thinking about my most memorable moments and I thought to myself… why not blog about it! So… here we go!
Experiencing life as a freshman in high school through my daughter’s eyes
Watching my son mature into an incredibly amazing adult
and…. this is a good one… being published for the first time!
I was contacted back in August to submit content for a collection of stories for a book about living with Fibromyalgia. I didn’t think that my submission would actually get published, I figured with everyone out there that had something to share… pick me? No. I was completely surprised when I was told that my story was going to go in the book and even more surprised to see that we all received author credits on the front of the book! How cool and exciting is this?? I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to write something about this in my blog. I’m excited to share with all of you my first entry into being published!
Well folks… I’m exhausted and ready to go get in my bed and attempt to get this essential tremor under control and my body into somewhat of a relaxed state.. I do appreciate all of you out there more than words can express. Your support over the years has allowed me to share my life experiences in an honest and open way, without judgement.
I wish you all the very best for 2014… and hopefully we’ll see some wins in the medical field that will help all of us lead less painful lives.
Stay cool! Gentle hugz.
My contribution to the book…
My Foggy Brain… My Journey… My Life
By Tamiko Arbuckle
When you wake up in the morning, what is the first thing that comes to mind? For me, it’s… “What hurts? Can I move? Will I be able to get out of bed? Is my brain functioning?” After that, I lay there for a while slowly moving from my toes to my forehead to assess my pain level and mentally prepare myself for the day to come. It wasn’t always like this…
Let me introduce myself. My name is Tamiko and I live with Fibromyalgia, Major Depression, Anxiety, ADD, Essential Tremor, and honestly? I could go on, but I am not here to tell you about all my medical issues. I was asked to contribute to this book and share my story… my journey with Fibromyalgia. So! Sit back, relax and hopefully while you read my story; you will smile and even possibly laugh a little bit. My life is here for your reading entertainment (and it’s possibly the only time I will ever hope someone laughs at me!).
My own personal disclaimer… I’m sure like many of you reading this, your ability to remember things is not as good as you’d like it to be. Half the time I don’t know if it is an actual memory I experienced or a memory from a dream I had at one point. That is probably the most frustrating feeling for me… The number of times someone says to me, “remember when… ?” or when I am sharing an experience I had (or think I had) and half way through the story my mind just draws a blank. I say all this because I am about to tell you my story. It’s what I remember and Lord knows my memory fails me on a daily basis!
When I look back over the last four decades (honestly, has it really been that long?), I think of the different phases I have lived through… my childhood (mostly amazing until my angst-filled teen years), my 20’s and 30’s (marriage, children, fish, dog, buying our first house, cars etc. not necessarily in that order), my pre-FMS crazy working years and now to my post-FMS diagnosis years. No doubt about it, it’s been one heck of a roller coaster ride over the decades! I don’t believe people that end up with a diagnosis like Fibromyalgia have lived a relaxed, trouble-free life. I believe you have to work really hard to break your body and end up in this kind of pain!
Growing up, I was a feisty, rebellious child who questioned and challenged everything (and I mean everything! Rules? What rules?). Now that I have had the privilege of being a parent, I feel like I should start and end every day with a five-minute call to my folks apologizing to them for all the heartache I caused over the years. It would go something like this:
…ring… ring… ring
My dad (because my mom basically never answers the phone): “hello?”
Me: “Hi dad!”
My dad: (laughing… he always laughs when he hears it’s me on the phone, it makes me smile every time) “Hey! Is that the mother of my grand-children?”
Me: “I’m calling to apologize again for driving you to the brink of insanity during my young adult life. I know I caused you to worry excessively. Thank you for not giving up on me!”
My dad: “CHIZUKO!!! Your daughter is on the phone again…”(Now I hear my folks bickering as my dad hangs up and my mom picks up.)
My mom: “hello? Who is this?”
Me: “Mom… it’s me.”
My mom: “huh? I can’t hear you, who is this!”
Me: “Mom… it’s me! I was just calling again to apologize…”
My mom: (cutting me off) “Oh my God! Don’t be silly!” (I am editing what she’d actually say so you don’t think badly of this wonderful woman I call my mom).
Me: “Okay mom, tell dad I love him… I love you and I’ll talk to you again in the morning!”
From a toddler until the day I moved out I gave my parents hell. I thank the Lord every day for blessing me with parents who loved me unconditionally and had endless amounts of patience and forgiveness.
As a child, I strived for independence at a young age. I loved school until I moved in the middle of 9th grade. Itransferred from a very small junior high in Oregon where I had finally reached the top of the class to a pretty big high school in Palo Alto, CA where I was once again at the bottom. I found myself in a new school where I knew no one, in one of the wealthiest cities in the area… hundreds of miles from all my friends. Let’s just say my rebelliousness reached an all time high. I couldn’t, or better said… I didn’t know how to handle the changes. At 15, after realizing I wasn’t going to succeed in regular school, I started independent studies and got a job. I graduated early and started working full-time.
The feeling of working, setting goals, meeting deadlines and ultimately advancing in my career became very important to me. I was learning what it meant to be responsible and the feeling of accountability for my every day activities… and at the end of the day, the pride I felt in my results drove me to want to work harder.
At a certain point, it wasn’t the advancement I was looking for but the feeling of accomplishment and value that I added to the organization. As I continued to work harder and harder and take on more and more responsibility, my hours significantly increased along with my stress. At the height of all this, I was working 16+ hours a day (at least 6 days a week), eating all my meals in the office and getting very little sleep. When my children were born, I worked up until I went into labor and went back to work just weeks after they were born. For close to two decades, my work life completely consumed my time and energy. My personal life was non-existent or completely out-of-control. My ability to balance my work and home life was a constant challenge…I felt like a success at work and a failure at home.
And then one tragedy hit after another… first a very close friend of mine was killed in an accident, then my grandmother passed away, followed by my aunt and then my uncle and then my godmother and then an aunt… and it just kept going. The sadness was overwhelming and my ability to recover became more and more difficult. We were traveling to hospitals and funerals and with the amount of hours I had been working, keeping up with everything just became too much.
One day, while playing with my dog Tani outside I felt my back go out. It was at that point my body made a decision it was no longer going to support my lifestyle. Either I make a change willingly or it was going to force a change. I bet you can guess what happened.
I ended up on the couch, where I remained for weeks unable to move. Days passed without me knowing what was going on. I was on so much pain medication that the house could have burned down and I would have slept through it (or not even realized I was about to go up in smoke!). My family still remembers the days when they would laugh at me because I appeared so high (Ummmm… I can’t really sugar coat that, I was actually pretty high!). Apparently conversations with me at that time were rather amusing. I just have to believe them… I remember… well, I remember absolutely none of those conversations. This is where my journey with medication and doctors began.
I was in and out of the doctor’s office for four years before I was finally diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. The only solution I kept hearing for four years was a prescription of pain pills. When one stopped working I would move to the next one. With all the medical research and advances that have been made, not one of those doctor appointments ended with anything other than a lot of frustration and a new prescription. Each prescription had side effects that impacted my ability to get back to a normal way of life. It may have numbed the pain, but it also numbed my brain (did you catch that rhyme I just did?). So even though I was no longer working those crazy hours at work, I was still not available for my family. Not because of my job, but because I was in this drug induced state every day and night.
The first diagnosis I received was Degenerative Disc disease. It was good to get a name for the pain I was experiencing, but it just didn’t explain everything that was going on. The meds that were prescribed were horrible, I remember one of them gave me blurry vision (that was fun thinking I was going blind).
I was not just experiencing back pain though. I was having a really hard time remembering things… like driving in the car and forgetting where I was or where I was going… or how about losing everything (over and over again!)… how to do basic every day stuff… and worst of all… at work, where I had excelled my entire career, I was suffering. It was taking me ten times longer to accomplish what I would do without any thought. My pain was no longer just in my back it was moving all over the place. I was having a hard time walking. I couldn’t be touched; I felt like my whole body was one exposed nerve… and let’s just talk about my inability to sleep. Sleep was my enemy at night… and the more frustrated I got, the harder it became. My neighbor friend still talks about it… no matter what time he came home at night or left in the morning, the light was always on at my house and I was up. On the flip side of that… Even though I couldn’t sleep, I was exhausted. ALL of the time. No energy for anyone or anything.
I felt like I was crazy. My depression was just getting worse and worse and my anxiety was at an all-time high. I would keep going to the doctor for one reason or another and each time my doctor would look at me with that look. You know what I’m talking about… the “look”. The one that says, “I am really trying to help you, but nothing is wrong with you so I’m going to try my best to be empathetic and prescribe something to make you go away.” That look. More drugs. I left many doctor appointments holding on to my emotions by a thread until I got to my car. Once I shut that car door… the emotional floodgates opened up and I was a wreck. Some of those appointments I wasn’t able to keep it together, I just lost it in front of the doctor, my frustration getting the best (or worst) of me. Those are the moments I cherished… my doctor looking at me as if she was deciding whether or not she needed to call in a psychiatrist for support. Me feeling completely hopeless and wondering whether or not something is wrong with me… like is this stuff real or is it all in my head? No one wants to feel like a basket case… especially those of us who were raised and grew up as strong, independent women! I mean I can literally count on one (maybe one and a half) hands the number of times I actually saw my mother cry.
So one day, I was really feeling like crap and I pushed myself to, once again, make an appointment. My doctor was out so I saw a different doctor who then referred me to the Rheumatology department. In a twenty-minute appointment my life changed. The doctor diagnosed me with Fibromyalgia… just like that. He had never seen me before. He asked me several questions, that I’m sure if you are reading this, you are familiar with. How long had I been in pain? Where was the pain? Followed by him asking me to stand up while he proceeded to push all the “tender points” in my body until I was literally crying my eyes out and couldn’t hold myself up any longer. I was a winner… I felt pain in every tender point. Twenty minutes later he says to me, “You have Fibromyalgia.” I mean, he literally said it to me like he was diagnosing me with a cold. He really didn’t understand the magnitude with which this message came to me. To him it was no big deal. To me it was as if he told me I won the lottery… only without the jumping up and down, and of course there was no money at the end of that winning ticket!
I finally had a name… Fibromyalgia. Fi-bro-my-al-gia. What?
At first I thought my prayers were answered. That bubble was burst real soon! I realized very quickly, even with a diagnosis, there was no cure… no solution. I started reading everything I could get my hands on. At that point, there wasn’t a ton of information out there. I read book after book and then while doing research online, I discovered all these blogs. I was not alone. There were other people out there who had gone through the same thing as me. Except after reading through a lot of the blogs, I felt worse. Everyone was sharing all their feelings around the pain, frustration and a wholelot of hopelessness. I really started to think my life was over.
I was in a dark place. Literally. I kept the blinds drawn in my bedroom and I stayed in that dark room for many days and weeks. I remember I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t shower myself, I couldn’t do anything on my own. I would try and sit down for dinner with my family and half way down the hallway to the dinner table I would just break down in tears. The pain was unbearable.My husband would turn me around and help me back in bed. I missed the soccer games, the school and family activities, the parenting. I was no longer living in the real world. I was in some alternate universe where all I saw was the four walls in my room, a ton of TV and, I played a lot of Facebook games (Farmville anyone?).
I needed an outlet. I needed a way to get rid of all the crap in my head and the emotions I was feeling. I decided to start my own blog, just for myself. I didn’t share it with anyone I knew. I didn’t want people close to me to read stuff that was so painfully personal to me. I just started writing. At the same time, I joined the Twitter world. I found this amazing community of people, men and women, young and old, from Sweden to the UK to Canada to all the states in the U.S… this stuff is not picky, it will attack anyone… at any time. I started to tweet and share my thoughts, my pain and bits and pieces of my life. I shared information that I thought would help people. I started to share my blog. I found my voice and I found a community that understood and supported me.
This was my turning point. I realized I was not alone, and more importantly I realized that there was life with Fibromyalgia. I got more aggressive with my doctors and I was finally admitted into the pain programs at Kaiser. I started to learn how to cope and manage my pain.
I have been asked a lot over the years how I cope with chronic pain (physical and mental)… I have many answers to that question. Laughter… laughter is a huge way to kill the evils of pain. Getting out and spending time with my family and friends, the folks that have been there for me through this long journey. They may not truly understand what it’s like to live with all the stuff I struggle with, but they certainly have been there to make me laugh. I have learned I don’t always have to leave my house to “get out”. Sometimes just getting out of bed and out of my bedroom is enough. That’s the thing… the people that I surround myself with understand my limitations. It’s important to keep positive, uplifting folks around you… especially if they make you laugh!
Exercise… we all hate it. If we haven’t done it in a long time, it’s painful to start. For me, it’s the difference between flaring 24/7 and flaring a few days here and there. I believe it is the gentle movement that wakes your body up. It’s a time when you are in control and you are telling the pain to go away (or you can use more harsh words than “go away”, if you’d like… I do). The key for me is “gentle” movement. Yoga, Tai Chi, Qigong, Feldenkreis, stretching and walking are the types of exercise I have tried and have helped me. I have even completed a couple 5K’s (walking, of course, let’s not get too crazy here)!!For me, my depression and anxiety are as bad as my Fibromyalgia; even worse now that I have learned how to manage my pain better… exercise is key to better mental health for me.
Eating the right foods… I struggle with this every day. Food makes a huge difference for me, not only because of the pain, but I also suffer from IBS and GERD. If one thing is exacerbated than the pain jumps right in there to make sure it gets its proper attention. I have to stay away from the food that triggers a bad reaction in my body… basically I have had to learn to live without a lot of really yummy food. If I stray even a little, I suffer. It is the true definition of consequences (Darn those consequences!!).
There is always that balance that has to be kept between pain management, digestive health, and mental health… the worst of all three come out to play when there’s stress. So keeping my stress down is critical. Meditation, prayer, and a lot of lessons I learned from cognitive behavioral therapy help keep me sane. Well, most of the time anyway. No one’s perfect. If you believe you have to be perfect, stress will be your best friend forever.
There was a time when I went 6 months without driving. Actually there was a period of years where I didn’t drive… except maybe down the street when absolutely necessary. There was a long period of time when I walked with a cane… a very long time. There was also a time when I used a wheelchair. I wasn’t able to shower without my husband washing my hair and helping me bathe myself. I couldn’t go up and down stairs. I couldn’t ride in the car for long periods of time. I call this my “dependent” period.
During that “dependent” period, I was on so many prescription pills that I had to keep getting bigger and bigger pillboxes. I had to get one that I could separate my morning, afternoon and evening pills. One day I decided to just stop the madness. I never liked taking pills and I felt like the side effects were far worse than the benefit. When I finally made the decision to stop the meds I had been suicidal for months. Every day all I thought about was if I was dead, there would be no more pain, no more suffering, no more sadness… and no more burden on those around me. I played the scenarios out in my head, what it would look like with me gone. My family moving on with their lives without me… I could no longer see beyond the black and grey clouds that constantly enveloped me. I was desperate. I finally looked at my husband one night, while in tears (again) and we decided together that it was time to do something drastic. I called my doctor and we agreed on a plan to taper off everything. The best decision I would ever make.
It has been almost two years now and I will never (at least I hope I never) rely on medication to manage my pain long-term again. I ended up going back on anti-depressants… I am not sure I can ever live without them… and every once in awhile I will take something to help the pain and I am okay with this.
I am still dependent on my husband, he’s my rock, my best friend and at times he is still my caretaker. Thankfully, I am not in that “dependent” period anymore. I am driving. I am finishing 5K’s, I am more self-sufficient, I am a healthier person overall. I am living.
Every day is not a good day. There will always be bad days. I know it’s my choice how I fight back and whether or not I fight to live a healthy and happy life. I am blessed that I don’t have anything life-threatening. What I have is a reminder… a reminder that if I want to feel alive, I need to choose a lifestyle that brings me joy and gives me the freedom to live well. I know I need to make choices that will result in less pain. The pain never goes away, but it doesn’t have to be debilitating every minute and every hour of every day.
I have had my blog for almost four years now. I focused my blog around hope and how to live with Fibromyalgia, with Major Depression, with ADD… and a whole host of other things that keep joining the party of diseases and syndromes that seem to enjoy being hosted by my body. The last diagnosis being Essential Tremor… that’s a fun one! I go back and forth on whether or not to continue with my blog… for me, it has served its purpose. It saved me when I thought no one understood what I was going through. It lifted my spirits when people left comments telling me they felt the same way and thanked me for sharing… it helped my family and friends better understand my pain and how to respond to my changed life. When I think about taking my blog down, my husband is the first one to say “NO!”. He reminds me that no matter how I am feeling today, people still visit it for information, and to see that there is someone out there who understands. So, for now, it’s there. And it’s the reason why I was given this opportunity to share my journey with you.
I hope that my story has given you hope. You can stop by and visit me anytime at the following URL:https://myfoggybrain.com/
Gentle hugz! Stay cool and live your life to the fullest… tomorrow is not promised, but take the opportunity today to make it a great day.
It’s finally ready!!! I have been working on this Wellness Workbook for a while now. To be honest, I created it over a year ago and I am just now finalizing the document and sharing with all of you. Like many of you, I have tried many different medications, diets and I’ll call them “gimmicks” to alleviate my pain. At the end of the day, what works is what most of us already know… diet, exercise and most important (in my mind)… the ability to relax and manage our stress.
I originally created the templates in this workbook for myself as a way to document my goals for better health and, as important, hold myself accountable to working towards achieving those goals. I pulled it together from all the various books and materials I have read over the course of the years, various classes I have taken, and my personal experiences.
Included in the workbook:
Wellness Wheel: tool used to help you discover opportunities for an improved quality of life and create goals based on those areas.
Wellness Plan: worksheet for documenting your short and long-‐term health goals and listing up to four key goals in the areas that you want to work on that will help you achieve your overall short and long-‐ term goals.
Flare Plan: worksheet for documenting the tools that help you, both physically and mentally, when you are in a flare. It helps to document these so you can just flip to this page and use the tools that you know will help you.
Exercise Quick Reference Sheet: there are countless exercises you can do to help with your pain, these are just some of the stretches and strengthening exercises I use on a daily basis.
Reference Information: information to help you better understand how to use the daily worksheets.
Daily Wellness Journal: worksheet for you to document each day; your exercise, food, pain level and how you addressed your pain, gratefulness and memorable moments.
My Priorities for Today…: worksheet to document your personal and work priorities on a daily basis.
Automatic Thoughts Worksheet: template to help you manage your stress and negative thoughts.
I hope that it helps you as much as it has me. Please feel free to share with whoever you feel might benefit from this type of resource, I would just appreciate if you would send them to my blog to pull down the latest version. You can either click on the image above or go to my Tools & Resources page to download the workbook.
I would also love to get your feedback so I can continue to make improvements. You all know best what it takes to manage your health and I love to hear new and creative ways to have better days.
Do you know the definition of insanity? If you agree with Enstein (which I do), insanity is… “Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” These days, I feel like I am in a constant state of insanity… of my own doing, which, in and of itself, is INSANE! I am talking about a level of unacceptability (is that even a word) that is, well, it’s unacceptable. [Is it me or does it feel like this posting is in a different language? Even I am having a hard time following myself today…] So, what was my point? Oh yeah… insanity. I am making choices these days which has put me on a path of mass destruction (cue dramatic music). Oh man, I apologize. Although in my sometimes overly dramatic world, the term “mass destruction” may be appropriate, I think we all know it’s just not true. My life is never that bad. Dramatic much? Lord have mercy. Okay, how about “I am making choices these days which are leading me down an unhealthy path”. Better? I think that sounds a little more truthful (okay a LOT more truthful, give me a break here).
We have all been there. Okay, it’s true, I am saying that because I don’t want to be the only one who feels that way… but, we have all been there, right? I realize as each day passes, the choices I am making are not very smart. I said it. I am accepting it. I’m not proud, but it hasn’t always been like this. On the roller coaster that I feel my life tends to be, right now I’d say I’m going down… almost hitting the bottom. It’s time for me to get my shit together and ride this to the straight away so I can get the strength to climb back where I should be.
I am a little too embarrassed to tell you all the stupid shit I have been doing. Seriously? You really want to know? Hmmmm, let me think on that a moment. And during this time of deep thought, I’ll digress a moment to share something with you.
My dad reads my blog each time I publish a new post. My mom has a difficult time seeing these days so my dad reads them all out loud to her. Now, the thought of my dad (or anyone for that matter) reading my thoughts OUT LOUD makes my stomach twist up a little bit. BUT! After he finishes reading my latest post, he never forgets to send me a note to let me know he read it and sharing his thoughts with me (which I always appreciate). Have I told you how amazing my parents are? A-MA-ZING! From my last post, he sent me an email and said, “Just a thought, your readers would be interested in how you went from being in an episode and being able go on a significant walk (a miracle?). What are the signs that you are able to make a change?” He always makes me think. I admit, at first I revert back to a teenager and my habitual response to commentary from my dad kicks in… which doesn’t deserve to be said OUT LOUD (which I know he’ll do when he reads this to my mom). After a few minutes of processing, I always realize how blessed I am that my mom and dad are actually paying attention to what I am writing. So, today’s the day that I respond to his feedback. Smile dad! I bet you are laughing just a little bit right now.
My dad’s question and my response to his question play into this whole insanity phase I’m going through. It makes me think WHY did I stop all that walking? WHY did I start? Well… I started walking one rainy day when I was really upset. I needed to get some air so I put the leash on Tani (ummmmmm reminder to the readers out there that Tani is my dog and not my child so don’t call child services just yet…), anyway I put the leash on Tani and we walked out the door and I kept walking… and walking… in the rain… That day somehow motivated me to walk the next day… and the next… and I continued to walk until I was averaging three to four mile walks on a regular basis. Sometimes I would walk TWICE in one day… what? TWICE? Damn, typing that both impresses and depresses me, given the state I am in right now. There was no miracle involved in this change, it was purely out of my need one day for some fresh air… and to be honest, nothing beats walking in a little bit of rain to get some clarity.
Now… why did I stop? Life. I let life get in the way, and more specifically me… I have been allowing ME to get in my own damn way for months now. It’s bullshit… and INSANE. I allowed all the shit going on in our lives to affect me to the point I am making all these stupid unhealthy decisions. So what stupid decisions you say? The kind that take awhile to turn around… let’s see… unhealthy eating (I just seem to think I deserve some kind of desserty thing before I go to bed every night, and yes I did mean to say “desserty”) and don’t get me started on chips and movie popcorn (how many movies can a girl see in a month? we are going broke from the cost of all the movies and buying up all this popcorn)… very little to no exercising… OBSESSED with Facebook games (if it’s a match 3 game, I’m playin’ it!)… tv, tv, tv…
The worst part of all this is that the smallest things seem to bring me to my mental knees (is that a saying or did I just make that up… mental knees…) My anxiety is so bad, handling even the most normal or non-stressful things are making me crazy. If something doesn’t go the right way (translation=my way), my brain shuts off and I can no longer function. ARGHHHHHHHHH!!!
I have wasted enough time in this land of insanity. I’m ready to go back home. I’m ready for calm and I’d like a huge side order of CONTENT to go with that calm.
So, what are the signs I am able to make a change? Well… in almost every case, it’s when I hit the bottom of the coaster ride and I realize the state I’m in. It’s today. The signs are there. I’m spiraling out of control. My pain levels are intolerable and my mental health is… well, let’s just say it’s not healthy. Today’s the day… okay tonight’s the night (it’s still just before midnight). I am going to start making good choices.
Tomorrow is a new day and it’s going to be a good one. I will be positive. I will eat better. I will exercise. I will turn off the damn computer and stop playing these damn games… and well tv? I can’t give that up, but maybe I’ll watch it when it’s on and turn it off when I’m not (instead of just having it play in the background all the time). The tv thing… that’s going to take some work. Oh yeah, and I’m not giving up movie popcorn, but maybe I can work on the obsession.
I am kind of all over the place today. I appreciate you sticking with me through this posting. I hope you are having a good day/ night and you are making healthy choices. Sometimes that word “choice” really sucks! Makes accountability (another favorite word) so hard to deny. Those youngsters really don’t understand how good they have it… once they have to start making their own decisions, life becomes so much more challenging. My ADD is at its best in this post… that was a slight distraction from my normal closing… although it’s true… having choices is a very good thing… making choices? Well… not so easy. And on that note!!! Time to say g’night.
Thanks for stopping by today! Stay cool, calm and relaxed.
What is your identity? I am really struggling these days trying to figure out what it is or rather, who it is I want to be when I grow up.
So, is my identity in what I know or what I share? Is my identity in the work I do, how I raise my children or how I spend my time? Am I invisible or is my true identity visible? Lordy… am I having a mid-life crisis?
I admire people who know exactly what they want in life … and then go for it. I have never been one of those people. I have pretty much lived my life with the Pretty Woman motto as my own… “I would say I’m a kinda fly by the seat of your pants gal, you know moment to moment.“
I have had a challenging six months. We have moved and I have changed jobs. I have been going in and out of flares the last few months. My walking streak stayed behind with the house we moved from. BUT! On the positive side, I did complete an awesome 5K with my girlfriends and my daughter and god-daughter (I walked, my daughter ran). I went on a couple fabulous vacations to Santa Barbara to spend time with my son and enjoy family time right on the beach. I also went on vacation to Tahoe with family and had the most relaxing time with everyone, while enjoying delicious home-cooked meals in a beautiful location.
I am blessed and I realize there will be challenges, I just need to remind myself that so far, I am still standing (literally, I’m not in a wheelchair or using a cane). I have my children and my husband who always support me, my parents who never fail to lift me up and the rest of my family and friends who surround me with love. As far as my identity… let’s just leave that for another day… when I have more energy (or let’s be real… when I have some energy).
And… on another awesome note… I just realized that I received this award for the second year in a row!! I am very thankful to everyone who visits, follows and subscribes to my blog. THANK YOU!!
Wishing all of you a pain-free day/ evening. Thank you for visiting! Please feel free to leave a comment, I love hearing from you!
How many posts do you start and stop before you get to the one that you feel is okay to publish? Having a blog is like writing in your diary… except I left my diary open on a table… in a restaurant… and people are walking by, picking it up and reading it. It’s scary and strange and cool all at the same time. It’s very cool to know that my feelings and experiences are interesting or helpful to others. It’s also difficult. Difficult because I always want to be real, true, honest… and it’s not always easy to be those things.
Like today, for instance… I started and stopped a separate post because, in all honesty, it was bringing me down just to write it. Lord only knows how someone would feel reading it! I don’t feel it’s fair to share stuff that is just depressing. I have depression… I don’t want to make it worse for anyone else. Then I wonder if I am doing a disservice to myself to set that post aside if that’s how I really feel. So here I am. I decided to take a different perspective on how I feel to see if that works better.
I have had a pretty up and down time for a while. Physically I still flare, I know this is not going to every go away completely. Life with Fibromyalgia. This Essential Tremor shit is uncool. I mean seriously, what the f*ck? Anxious? Nervous? Worried? Angry? Frustrated? Stressed? Basically ANYTHING that is not calm or relaxed and my head just nods and my hands shake… I have to use my muscles to make it stop. I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable or even myself, for that matter. Sometimes I don’t notice it, but that’s pretty rare. I would just prefer noone else notice it… My anxiety? Well, through the roof these days. I keep telling myself… “Give it to God“, but my anxiety keeps telling me “ummmmm, NO!”. (I’d say “Hell NO!”, it just seems wrong in the same sentence as “Give it to God”. Oh wait, I said it anyway.) That battle between me and my anxiety goes on for at least an hour or two throughout every single day. ADD? Yes it’s there, but on average I seem to be managing this okay… and let’s not forget the ever-present black hole… the opening to enter is not big enough for me to fit in at the moment, so I won’t give it much real estate other than to say, fighting Depression is also a daily battle.
Oh! Did I tell you I started the big M? Menopause. No period? No complaints from me! I have discovered a miracle cream though. It seems to help with my mood, maybe a little with the migraines, feels like it’s helping my energy. It doesn’t seem to be a coincidence that I started walking around the same time this cream and I became besties. I don’t like promoting products, but this one has really been one of the few things that I know really helps me. [Pro-Gest Natural Progesterone Cream Paraben Free 2 Oz From Emerita] I don’t want to debate the pros and cons of this specific product, just that if you are experiencing any of the symptoms of menopause, you may want to consider trying a progesterone cream.
I am not sure why I have been afflicted with all these illnesses. I still hope to wake up one day and not have any of this. Hope… Dream… Believe… it does keep me going. We all need to hope, dream, believe about something!
Here’s the main thing. We all wake up (well we certainly hope we will wake up), and some of us struggle to get out of bed, some of us struggle to walk, some of us struggle with the fog that encases our brain… unfortunately some of us struggle with all three of those things and more… but we all start the day with the option to have hope that today will be a good day, to dream that tomorrow will be better, to BELIEVE that we can manage our pain so we can live our lives. If we choose to start the day any other way, we make it so much harder for ourselves. We have to be our own cheerleaders in life. It’s so much better to live rather than just get through another day. It is not easy, but it’s soooo worth it!
Fight those demons, the anxiety monster, the black hole of depression, the little voice whispering in your ear that your pain is too much and you can’t do anything… you can always do something. Be proud of the fact you are able to get out of bed today, that you are able to get dressed … small successes are so much better than feeling like a failure. Kick the ass of this negative shit in your life and empower yourself to be strong.
Noone can take away how special you are or how damn strong you are to deal with this shit every day. Don’t let anyone take away your power.
I admit, I got a little riled up there for a minute, but sometimes we all need a little kick in the ass to remind us that we are special… God chose us to share with those who are suffering that people with pain can and do live a good life. Now go have a great day and live your life!
my foggy brain 