Chronic Pain

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What Would It Take To Make A Change In Your Life?

“I can’t WAIT for this week to get over!”… I hear myself saying that during the work week a lot. The week-end comes and I spend a lot of it in laying down trying to relax and get re-energized for Monday. I sleep, I sleep a lot over the week-end so I can be ready for Monday. What happens on Monday? I work and spend that time wishing for the week-end. Does this make sense to anyone? It’s crazy. I spend Monday thru Friday waking up at 5:30 or 6, sometimes 7 if I’m lucky, roll out of bed, quietly creep down the stairs, make some coffee and start working. I don’t usually stop working until 6 or 7 at night. I may take a few minutes to eat lunch during the day and a few minutes at night for dinner with the family. I will then work until 8 or 9 some days and then watch t.v. and go to sleep around 10 or 11 depending on my pain and just doze for hours off and on until the morning when I do it all over again. During the days Monday thru Friday I am in a lot of pain. By Friday I am in a lot lot of pain, but that’s what I do I, I work.

Yesterday I started thinking, if I had a year to live, what would I do differently? I mean, seriously… what would I do differently? What about 6 months? A month? What would it take to really make a change in my life? ? I always say tomorrow is not promised, so why do we always live like it is promised?

Right now my life is all consumed with working to pay the bills and I work, work, work. I work all the time. I work so much that nothing else happens in my life. I have fibromyalgia. Wait, let me say that again. I have Fibromyalgia with a big “F”. I don’t let this condition rule my life, but let’s not take this lightly. It does make a statement and it does affect my life and that of my family, so I should make sure I give it some respect here. Back to what I was saying. I have Fibromyalgia and with that, at the end of the day between work and being a Fibromite, there’s not a lot of me left to go around. The energy has been spent and there is definitely nothing left.

Is it possible to work and still have a life, while living with chronic pain? It is not easy. I have it easier than a lot of people. I work from home on most days. I go in the office 15% of the time, maybe 20% in a busy month. I work a lot of hours, which is challenging, 12-14 hour days. So let’s talk about this… Balance is the key to a content life, right? Getting there and staying there probably means being organized – not so easy when you are a fibromite or me (“I’ll take some foggy brain whipped up with a little bit of ADHD to go please“). I love [read hate] those people who are so TOGETHER with their “checklists” and their “tote bags” always on time. Let me stop, I’m not hatin’ on anyone. I keep trying to be together, it just never works out that way. It does, however, give me a reason to buy a new tote bag! But, seriously, I do believe that in order to get through the day, you need to have a serious amount of focus and stop working at a reasonable time and focus on your family life or your health or your personal life. Whatever it is that is important to you. Focus, is not easy when you have foggy brain, it is something that is a constant challenge – I do create my check list and it does help keep me focused (for awhile anyway!).

Live your life as if you only have 6 months to live or whatever amount of time it takes to create a change. I need to really spend some time thinking about this. I think we get complacent and just live. There is so much going on that I just go from one crazy day to another and I need to carve out some time to be still and have time to myself. I have been in a flare for weeks, I need to get on my flare plan and exercise and eat better. Take one thing at a time, not overwhelm myself. What about you? What can you do to manage your pain better?

If today was your last day and you look back on your life, are you happy with all the decisions you have made? What changes would you make? Now’s your chance!

Stay cool! Hope you enjoyed your visit to my blog and come back again. Leave a comment and tell me what you think.

Tamiko

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What Would You Do? Stand Up For Your Pain!

The cameras are rolling…. All eyes on you…. You have probably seen the TV show, “What Would You Do?” I was going to blog about a situation I was in a couple of weeks ago. A truly, stupid situation that I needed some time to get through, mellow out and say to myself, GET THE HELL OVER IT! I wanted to vent and get that shit out of my system, but it would not have helped and it would not have helped any of you! I have to keep reminding myself every hour, every minute of the day to stay positive these days. It’s a challenge, but sometimes that’s what one has to do. Right now, that’s what it is. Prayer and giving my cares and worries over to God is what I’m doing.

My life has been seriously out of balance. Work has been crazy busy – way too many hours. Family and friends close to me are in need of God’s healing hands. The weather has been crazy, mostly rainy and cold. I’ve been in a constant flare for what seems like forever – it’s only been a few weeks. For the first time in a long time I have increased my dose on one of my meds. It sucks, I don’t know if any of you feel this way, but increasing meds makes me feel like a failure, like I’m not managing my pain like I’m supposed to. I agree to a certain extent that I shouldn’t feel that way, but at the same time, I also feel I should be in control of my body. FMS is a crazy place to live. Depression has stolen a lot of my mind the past few weeks and I really want it back. I have fought and fought and fought, I FINALLY feel like I may be starting to come back, it’s so damn hard. It’s like climbing up hill through quicksand (because I have done that before, right?). Trust me, my family really, REALLY prefer the not deeply depressed mother/ wife over the scary/ ugly mean lady that’s been living in the house lately. She scares me too.

Speaking of my family, well specifically my husband… I am not CO-dependent, I am SOUL-dependent (and yes I meant to spell it that way) on (on? of? to?) my husband. I have been blessed with a husband who takes wonderful care of me. He does everything for my children and me. He literally does all the cooking, cleaning, driving, care-taking… this man does my hair, when my daughter isn’t doing it! He also deals with all that comes with chronic pain and depression, oh yeah and let’s not forget – throw in a little bit of ADD. What an effed-up combination! After almost 25 years together he has to be wondering what the hell he signed up for!! There is no return policy here. He had 30 days, but those days have passed and he’s now stuck with me. Thank God!

So! I started out talking about a TV show that puts folks in really awkward situations. A show that ultimately pushes those same to people make uncomfortable decisions. Now I ask you, when you are in a situation where you need to stand up for your pain, do you? Do you stand up for your pain or do you end up suffering? I made a decision to stand up for my pain and I also ended up suffering because I stood up. I am happy I made that decision because I was able to really see some true colors come out.

At the end of the day, most of us can barely stand up for long periods of a time, so why suffer any more than you have to, right? I mean, c’mon! Please do yourself righteous and STAND UP FOR YOUR PAIN!

Thanks for reading! Please tell me what you think, leave your comments and, as always, stay cool!

Tamiko

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My Wishes That Came True.

I have a secret. I have been thinking about this a lot in the last couple months. It’s crazy and I’m going to share it with you.

I wished for a dining room in my house. I have one now.

I wished for one of those windows in my kitchen over the sink that you can put flowers and vases and stuff that you want to just keep to show. I have one now.

I stayed in a really nice hotel once that had a big huge shower with a bench and a separate ginormous tub and I wished that I could have one in my bathroom… someday. Someday is now.

I wished that my bathroom would be bigger so my husband and I could have our own sinks. My bathroom is now almost bigger than my bedroom was before.

I wished that we could have a room with a sliding glass door that I could walk outside and look to the sky. I have that now.

I wished for a backyard that I could go outside and work. I have that now.

I wished for a backyard with lots of seating for entertaining and shade where people could sit. I have that now.

I wished that we could live close to my son’s friends. We are there.

I wished for a kitchen nook to sit and eat casually with upgraded kitchen. I have that now.

My kids wished for an upstairs. They have that now.

I wished for my own separate room for paper crafting. I have that now.

I wished for a guest room. I have that now.

I wished for peace and quiet. I have that now.

I wished that we had an  extra bathroom so when guests stayed with us they had their own space. I have that now.

I wished for a bigger back yard for Tani to run around. I have that now.

I clearly remember in all these times thinking, it would be nice to be further away from all the noise and traffic (not that their was a lot of either where we were). While I was quietly thinking about all these things at different times over the course of my lifetime, God was listening to me. He turned all my quiet prayers into reality. He did this in a way that was not necessarily your “dream come true” story, but I do have all those things I thought about. I have it all now. I have all the grounded outlets. I have more grounded outlets in this house than one could possibly imagine! We have power in our backyard, I mean this is crazy – all the possibilities with the things that are in this house we are living in now. We are blessed. We lost our home… we gained my “wish” home without even realizing it.

It is so quiet here. I am getting used to it. I miss my neighbors, it hurts my heart to not have them across the street and next door. The fact is, everything I wanted in a house would never make up for the relationships that you build over the years.

My secret is that God listens to everything. You never know when and what you will receive. At first I felt responsible for what has transpired, but then I know God has a plan for us. From the moment we found this house, I knew there was a higher plan taking place. Under normal circumstances, this is not a house we would ever afford or find. Life could be so much worse.

Already I know we are better for what we have gone through.

I am almost through another winter. This has been a painful one, but I have been able to work from home for the most part. This has helped quite a bit. My meds are working and I haven’t had to make a lot of adjustments to the meds. No migraines for the past month, thankfully. I just take the pain in stride and my mental state seems to help manage my physical pain. The more positive I keep myself, the more I can manage my pain. There is a definite relationship there. I do a lot of self talking and willing that negative shit away. Some days are better than others, but you all know exactly what I mean. Some days we are stronger than others.

I am careful what I am wishing for now. :) I am definitely more focused on the more important things in life, like keeping my son safe and always praying he is making good choices. Praying for my daughter to be aware of her environment and that I can be there for her whenever she needs me and that she will come to me. Nothing like becoming an adult!

Well, I better get back to my Sunday. Thanks for reading!

Stay Cool and please let me know how you are doing.

Tamiko

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Fibromyalgia, Chronic Pain, Depression, ADHD…. None of this Defines You

New year, new theme for my blog… and I am saying good riddance to 2010!! It has been one hell of a year! I am happy to see this one go, I must say. 2010 was a tough year and I am ready to move forward and start strong with 2011.

What do you remember most about 2010? This was a painful year for me… both physical and emotional. I felt the pain of fibromyalgia and the pain of losing loved ones, the pain of walking away from my house after 10 years, the emotional upheaval of changing companies after 20+ years…

It was also a year of celebration… my son turned 18, he graduated from high school and started college. My daughter is in middle school and is excelling in her academics and in soccer. They are both maturing and growing up and I am realizing that they are so independent. I am also seeing what traits they have taken from my husband and myself and it’s awesome and difficult at the same time to see. You always want only the best traits to be passed on, right? You know that’s not the way it always goes… you just pray that your children will listen and learn from your experiences. If not, they will learn on their own as you did yourself. I honestly get this, it hurts my heart to see it happening though. Many of you out there know what I am talking about. You are going through the same thing with your children.

As we enter 2011, my family just completed our annual project.

  • What are your 10 most memorable moments of 2010?
  • What are your 10 goals for 2011?

We take those and write them down and scrapbook them on a piece of 12×12 paper, frame them and put them up on the wall for the year. I will share mine (truth be told, mine is the only one that is still “almost” complete”), as I was saying, I will share mine with all of you when I finish it.

I highly recommend you sit down with your family and do something like this. If anything, it’s a great conversation.

I wanted to make sure I ended the year by saying HAPPY NEW YEAR!!  to all of you… you have all been fantastic supporters in my life.

Most important, if you take anything from my blog, take this… Fibromyalgia, chronic pain, depression, ADHD…. none of this defines you. You are defined by the values and beliefs and all the inner beauty inside you. Your pain is real. Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

You deserve an awesome 2011. I’m praying you have one!! Thanks for stopping by and I hope you come back in 2011.

Stay cool.

Tamiko

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This Too Shall Pass… I Am Blessed.

Wow… Where have I been? It’s been over two months since I have written something… and to be totally honest, it’s been over almost that long since I have even visited my blog page. Six months ago, if someone would have said I would let that let that much time pass without viewing my page, I would have just ignored them because I would have thought to myself “NO Flippin WAY!”. Well, it’s true. Now that I’m here, that old familiar feeling is back. It’s the middle of the night, I’m sitting in the dark, on the couch with just the dim light from my laptop…. except this time… same couch – different house.

Where do I start? My life, my life, my life… Lord, I know You do not shoulder more than one can bear… I. Just. Am. So. Very. Tired. I really do try not to complain, I know there are people so downtrodden and their lives really suck, I know I have no right to complain…

Here’s the deal… let me bottom line it for you… I feel like I am starring in a country song where you play it backwards to figure out everything that has been lost (I should win an award for this one!)… I am just not mending… I don’t even know how to mourn anymore. I know hospital emergency rooms and intensive care units up and down the west coast and unfortunately so do my children. What started out as a good learning situation for my children when they were young, has turned out to be a continuous cycle of “Whose Funeral Are We Going to This Month?” … Scarred for life.

Where the hell was I going with this? Oh yeah… I was bottom lining it… let me get back to it…

So! Important in a Chronic Pain Patient’s life… Truth. Honesty. Well in anyone’s life, but more so in a chronic pain person’s life because you spend your entire life explaining your pain to people who do not believe you!

Shortly after the passing of my very close friend Steve’s passing, I lost my Godfather which seemed “suddenly” to me (way too soon as I just really wanted more time!)… Very close after that… we had a traumatic experience with a dog that we were really hoping to adopt (all of my 4-legged blogger friends would totally relate to my experience but Lumpy is in a happy home now!) Well, my son entered college and turned 18 and then my husband and I found out we needed to move out of our house we had lived in for over 10 years. We had less than 2 weeks to vacate. So! I found us a house to rent and we packed up our memories and our furniture and moved to our new “home”. That was the 1st week of November… and did I tell you I was on disability and went back to work the second week of September?

For those of you that were around my blog last year… I was blessed to get out and help pick the tree this year and my husband and I trimmed it this year!

I have this horrible feeling there is a big ass dam inside my body somewhere secret stored up and it’s just going to open up one day… God help the folks that are around on that day. Poor souls… I have a huge smile on my face right now… because Lord knows, all you can do is smile when you think about the poor souls who will have to deal with my ass when I unload on them!

So, now that you are caught up with where I have been and what I have been up to since the last time I blogged….

After all I have been through…

my family still makes me laugh at least once or five or ten times a day.

My parents are still with me and I thank God every single day for this.

I am blessed.

I still have my brothers, sisters and their families and my friends and their families around me.

I am blessed.

I still have my five senses.

I am blessed.

(Ummm I did not say I HAVE sense, don’t get crazy here).

My husband still wakes up every morning and goes to sleep to me.

I am truly truly blessed.

I have fibromyalgia, ADHD and chronic depression and yes…

I am blessed.

For me, it is important to remind myself to remember what I have and to do my best to stay positive. Please be positive with me. There’s enough negativity out there…

Thanks for reading! Stay cool…. and God bless all of you and Happy Holidays!

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Integral Tai Chi is My New Depression/ Fibromyalgia Pain Drug of Choice!

“My body is healthy… My body is healthy… My body is healthy… My body is healthy…” I am chanting this in my head while next to me a lady is not so quietly snoring… interestingly it does not bother me, although there are moments when I want to laugh (but cross my heart…. I don’t). While I chant this over and over in my head, I scan my body for pain and if I find any, I mentally push it out of my body. You are wondering what I am talking about… I get it, I would be wondering too.

This is the relaxation segment of my Integral Tai Chi class. It is the last 30 minutes of the 2-hour class I have been taking… my new favorite depression/ pain drug of choice. As I am laying in the dark on my mat in the “corpse” position and the instructor has directed us to relax every part of our body and told us when we awaken our bodies will be healthy. It becomes my chant while I lie there for the next ten minutes. I feel like this class has changed my life. Sounds pretty crazy, right? Well, take me seriously and find a class and give it a try. Here’s the class description:

Integral Tai Chi is a self-healing system that integrates tai chi, yoga, relaxation and meditation to heal the mind, body and spirit. This comprehensive approach involves a series of 10 body movement postures each designed to increase balance, awareness, endurance, flexibility, flow, concentration, energy and spiritual transformation. Integral Tai Chi can be easily learned and practiced by all ages and body types.

I have been able to do things that have caught me completely by surprise… okay, for example… remember in Karate Kid that crane move that all your friends growing up have done and said “I’m the Karate Kid!!”…. I CAN DO THAT!!! SHUT UP!! I CAN!!! Unbelievable… I can actually balance on one foot!! I almost fainted with surprise the first time I did it… I started to giggle. I really did. No one can even understand the gravity of the situation. balancing on one foot, WHILE lifting my arms UP IN THE AIR like that is just CRAZY!! LOL!! For all you modern folk that do not remember Karate Kid (the original… God forbid…) it’s the Crane pose in Kung Fu Panda!

I can’t explain it, I don’t get it myself, but the stretches that are done… although they definitely are challenging for me, feel soooooo good! I feel really good both mentally and physically when I finish this class. I have felt like a totally different person the last three weeks. My husband tells me he is afraid to break the spell… he wishes I could take this class every day. I think that might be a bit much. :) I mean, what is the message he is sending to me?? LOL!

For me personally, I think I said it in a prior posting, the mental effect that this has had on me is so significant… the healing of the mind and spirit and the pure focus on positivity and exiting frustration, stress, negativity from the body/ mind… this is just what I need. I sleep better on the nights that I go… although this time, my beautiful dog decided to wake me up at 4:00 in the morning to go outside and I decided to write this blog posting instead of going back to bed. I also have been able to relax enough to read an actual book… this is amazing. I haven’t read a book from beginning to end in so long I can’t remember when. I have finished three books in the last two weeks. I usually start a book and then after the first couple pages or chapters, put it down and never pick it up again.

I know a lot of you are in pain. If you are in the bay area (San Francisco to San Jose on both sides of the bay), these classes are FREE, take advantage and give it a try… “listen to you body” and do what you can, but stay for the last 30 minutes. If you are not in the bay area, find a local class and it is very possible that you may have free classes as well. I understand this ITC organization is in Southern California offering free classes (this is a non-profit organization). This particular group is AWESOME! I think you can tell, I am pretty jazzed about this… just a little bit… :) I’ve been in pain a very long time… This is the first time I have found something that is FREE and works and not a drug! nice… it’s a blessing.

http://www.css-sanjose.org/eng/itc.html

  • 30 minutes of warm up
  • 60 minutes of 10 body movements
  • 30 minutes of relaxation and meditation

I could barely walk when I went to the first class… I am walking significantly better… ask my dog! :)

Thanks for reading! Stay cool (literally! It’s been pretty hot out there!)

Hugs….

Tamiko