Chronic Pain

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Eczema, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Depression & ADHD? Anything Else Want to Join This Party?

Let me tell you something funny. I thought I knew pretty much all I needed to know about Fibromyalgia. I thought I knew all the pain and exhaustion and crap that I was going to know that came with MY Fibromyalgia. Pretty funny, huh? Obviously I was naive and completely missed the chapter about the skin and the effects that FMS has on it. I admit it… I’m a dumbass. I have spent the last 3 days… one, two, three and let’s count today so this is the fourth day… itching like a dog dipped and rolled in fleas. If you could see me now… I have hives all over.

Pain+crazy itchy=psychotic mom. My dog Tani, also has some kind of crazy itchy thing going on. I want to do what she does. She literally walks and randomly throws herself on the floor, I mean this, THROWS herself on the floor and “THUD!” rolls to her backside and vigorously wiggles back and forth to scratch her back. I’m jealous. I want to do this. I know I sound crazy, but she looks pretty content when she’s done.

I gotta be honest, I think I’ve been pretty okay to live with. I haven’t thrown things around the house or screamed for no reason or even cried like there’s no tomorrow (although I’m seriously on the verge). I have pretty much just sat on this couch and played Facebook games on my computer. Non-stop. It’s the only thing that can distract me enough to keep me sane. Thank goodness there’s a new game to play as well… I can’t read or Twitter or watch TV. I can’t sit still or barely write this blog post. I’ve been trying to write it for the past 24 hours. Idle time for more than 10 seconds and I am scratching like crazy. This seriously SUCKS. I mean, I am ready to take any drug offered to make this stop. I am anxious and stressed and frustrated and exhausted all at the same time… AND in pain. How is this even possible?

If you could see me now….

It’s Wednesday and I just finished this post. I hit save and the page exploded before my eyes.

The login page comes up and I login and I come back and … it’s all gone. All my edits are gone up to the point where I had last saved. What do I do? Do I give up and just scream? Do I say eff it and just leave the post yet again for another day? (yes that is EXACTLY what my first reaction is) or do I suck it up and just finish it?

This is me sucking it up… so be nice! hahahahahaha.

So! It is Wednesday (I know I just said that, cut me some slack here) and I am still itching away… I found out the problem, I’m just not sure I believe it. On Friday, like a good patient, I had sent an email to my chronic pain doctor. On Monday he gave me a call and we talked about what the issue might be. He decided it wasn’t a reaction to my meds (good thing). He also thought it would be  a good idea for me to see my Primary Care Physician (PCP). I had a feeling this was going to happen. I still find it super cool that he even calls me to check in with me. Kaiser has such a bad reputation, the fact that he calls me, and first thing in the morning, and then tells me why he didn’t call me on Friday?? Awesome! The people in the Chronic Pain group…. they are the best! I can’t recommend the Level II Pain Program enough!!

I went in to see my PCP and she figures it’s chronic hives… I’m not so convinced. She’s thinking and asks me if I want to go on steroids. Hmmmm, how about NO! Prednisone? Hmmmm… HELL NO! Then she tells me she is going to have this “Roving Dermatologist” check me out. Cool. I’m cool with that. Sounds interesting and a good idea. We wait. I have my husband and daughter in the room with me. We wait. She comes in the room with my PCP (I just like saying that… funny how that acronym just happens to be the same as, well…. you know). Anyway, the Roving Derm and my PCP start talking and the Derm starts looking at my hives and asking me the questions, “when?”, “how long?”, “anything new?”, she wants to see where all the hives are and then she keeps asking me … literally over and over and over again… “did you use any new lotions?” me: “no” okay, “but, have you used any new lotions?” me: “ummmm, no”. It was almost as if she didn’t believe me. I guess she gave up after she kept getting the same answer. She then does this doctor speak with my PCP and pretends my family and I are not in the room. Riggghhhhhtttttt. This 6 foot black man is not in the room. I am thinking… “I wonder if I pinch her, will she notice?” and then I think… I better not, the consequences of that are probably not very good… and just as I finish with my thinking, the doctor bubble breaks and “PING!” we are all in the same room again. My PCP gives me my prescription and we are on our way. I like my PCP, but it’s always kind of a strange visit to me.

Steroid lotion and cream and Atarax. I start day 2 of this lotion/cream twice a day schedule along with an Atarax pill and so far it’s not really working, but I’m giving it a chance… because that’s the sort of girl I am! I don’t like to take the Atarax during the day. I have to get my work done so I will wait until it’s time for bed. This means I’m itchy all day… all I’m saying is… you don’t want to irritate me… you don’t want to irritate the irritable, right? Pass it on.

Okay and here’s the thing… Eczema, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Depression and ADHD?? Good damn thing I’m married!! I’d never find a man with all that shit! What I’m sayin’ is anything else want to join in this party?? You better come quick!! I’m closing the door to this gosh darn party, I’m lettin’ the door hit ADHD in the ass as it closes! This is bullshit!! I did not sign up for this, but I’m handling it. I’m takin’ it. I’m living with it and I’m not going to sit down and cry my eyes out. Try me, damnit!! Okay, maybe some days I’ll cry my eyes out… but not EVERYDAY!! These things do not make for the end of the world… they cannot kill me and I won’t let them kill my spirit. Right? Are ya with me?? Good!

I will say this though!!! 2000+ hits to my blog?? That is WAY TOO AWESOME!! When I first started writing this blog I never ever in my wildest dreams (okay now I am going a bit overboard, I don’t really dream about my blog, but you get my drift) thought that I would have this many folk read what I’m talkin’ about. I love the fact that people understand and get what I am talkin’ about.

You all have a wonderful and blessed day!! Leave your comments, I love to read them!

Stay super duper cool!

PS. I was chicken, you would have pinched her, right? :)

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Today’s the Day! & Fibromite Journal Template

Today’s the day! Today is the day my son graduates from high school. Wow, where did the time go and when did I get so old? I mean that’s the real question right? How did I get old enough to have a high school graduate?? “How old are your children?” Now I’ll be saying my son is in college. Geez. That is just crazy.

My brain has been in complete overdrive getting ready for this graduation. I have been going in and out of a flare for the past week, which is better than a full on flare so I won’t complain. I only ask that I am able to get through to Sunday. I have written a couple posts yet not actually “posted” them because they just didn’t seem right. This is a really short post today, but a very meaningful one for me. For such a momentous day, I couldn’t let it pass without saying something… yet words are hard to come by.

In the mean time, I have created a template to track my daily life as a fibromite. It helps me see how I’m tracking day to day over time. I thought it might help you. You are welcome to it. Please let me know what you think. I worked on it for quite a while and tested it and reworked it until it worked for me…

PainJournal_MyFoggyBrain

I wish you all the best day today, I know this day will be one I will remember for the rest of my life… cherish those close to you, I have to keep reminding myself tomorrow is not promised! Thanks for reading.

Stay cool!

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When the Anger & Frustration Get The Best of You, What Do You Do? Choose Calm…

I am counting down the days… less than two weeks away until my son graduates from high school. While there is a lot to celebrate, I feel like I am seriously being tested. Mentally and physically…

This is one of those “how much can you take?” tests. All I’m saying is…. REALLY???? Right now???? First of all, I am not complaining. Okay. I’m complaining a little bit. So, as you read this, you must want to know what I am going on about. Well, I’ll tell you.

Work…. on top of Life…. on top of … Work … on top of Life… on top of … well you get it.

It is exhausting.

When the anger and the frustration get the best of you, what do you do? It’s interesting, either it’s age or all of the training I have received in the last couple years, I feel like I am a lot more calm now than I have ever been. This is another way for me to keep a flare away. If I lose my temper, I am guaranteed a flare within 24 hours. So, honestly, it’s a choice I make. How about you?

How about your surroundings? Do you notice people around you are getting mad a lot quicker? It seems to me people also get really mad at the small stuff. It’s crazy to me. I just don’t get it. It’s such a waste of energy. I guess, for me, I have so little energy to start with I see no reason to waste it on the small shit. Maybe if people were in pain, they would feel the same way. It’s an interesting way to learn such a profound lesson, but that’s how I learned! He said/she said… why do YOU care what people think of you? What is really important is what YOU think of you. Think about what makes you angry and figure out WHY. Is it worth spending the little energy you have on that anger? Or would you rather do something else with that energy… like LAUGH?

We are surrounded. There’s no doubt about it. Road rage. The daily news. TV shows. Movies. Rude people. Rude people in general. I am amazed at how rude people are these days. Rude people raising rude children…. and so on and so on…

So! Don’t stand for it. Smile. Don’t let the small shit get to you. Don’t get angry, get over it! Treat people with respect… ya hear me? Let’s use our energy for positivity!! Stand up and shout about it!

If you feel like you are about to lose it… close your eyes, breeeeeeeaaaaathe, count to ten.

If you want to scream at your boss, your husband, a rude person, your doctor …. take a deep breath, close your eyes, breeeeeeeaaaaathe, count to ten.

So… I think you get my point. The person who is going to suffer the most at the end of the day is the fibromite in the anger game.

Choose calm. Thanks for checking my blog out. Please leave a comment.

Stay cool – and chillax!!

PS. It’s funny how I always start off with one train of thought… and I always seem to end up somewhere else. Oh well, I did say I had ADHD, right? LOL!

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I am Flare Free!!! This and my Journey with Fibromyalgia the Last Few Weeks

I have to tell you… I have started this post and others many times. It is now May 16th and I am happy to say that I am flare free. Did you hear me??? FLARE FREE!!! Uh-uh. No. Don’t just read that sentence like it’s nothing. Read it again… Say it out loud with me. Wait a minute, Let me make it easier for you:

I   A M   F L A R E   F R E E !!!

I actually feel good. I can’t believe it. What the hell is going on? I’m not complaining or anything, but seriously, what the hell is going on? I like it! The timing is great! I need the energy to get through the next few weeks to get shit done. I hear you, PACE. I know. I am learning. Every day I am learning.

What I’m saying is… it can happen, I went from excruciating pain to feeling good. My medication is working. My exercise is working. It’s not magic. It’s not a miracle. It’s work, it’s what I learned from Physical Therapy, Counseling and research and most  important it’s about being consistent! Don’t give up. Each and every day I have to remind myself that it takes positivity and work to create change. Some days it takes more positivity than others… “This too shall pass” are the words I meditate by on those days. I deep breathe and on the in and out, I say those words and with each breath I get a little bit calmer.

This last 6 weeks has been a super-duper challenge for me. I thought I was going to lose the ability to walk and was starting to wonder about the use of my hands. Very scary. Noone can understand the fear this creates in the brain of a fibromite. I am feeling really blessed to be able to walk without my cane for an entire day.  I’m excited to be able to go to my son’s High School graduation in a couple weeks and not have to worry about being completely out of it. I can walk without everyone asking me what happened! This. is. awesome.

I understand tomorrow is not promised. I understand tomorrow I could wake up and not be able to walk. I have not lost my marbles (well that can be debated, I know! :)). Today is a great and awesome day. I am going to enjoy it. I am going to appreciate what I have. If tomorrow is completely different, I will deal with it when it comes. For now? I can walk and I can do what I want and I LOVE it!!

You all have a beautiful week and thank you so much for stopping by! Please leave a comment and let me know how you are doing.

Stay cool!

PS. I started and stopped the two posts below and never got around to posting them, I thought I’d include these posts with this one since it’s all a part of my journey…

Wait Do I Really Have Fibro?

It’s May 13th… April 9th is when it started. That is the day I woke up to the most horrible FLARE in a long time and I am praying tonight that it is finally coming to an end. Today was the first day that I woke up and felt human. I had one of those days, you know what I’m talking about — you wake up and you think “Wait, do I really have fibro… I’m feeling really good right now!”.

I felt so good I didn’t want to admit it to anyone. I didn’t want to say it out loud. I didn’t want to even whisper it. I did, however, say to myself “Today’s going to be a good day!” over and over in my head. I believe in the power of positive thinking.

You have to understand… stay with me for a minute.

  • For the last month I haven’t been able to stand up in the shower, wash my own hair and to get really personal, on most days I needed help to wash my own body.
  • I haven’t been able to walk without my cane. Walking with my cane, making it around the block would be an amazing feat!
  • I haven’t driven myself anywhere in so long, it’s amazing I even know how to drive anymore!
  • Just this week… I was in a wheelchair on Tuesday so I could participate at a conference with my colleagues at work. A wheelchair. Let me say that again… a wheelchair. Once more, a wheelchair, and let me say I was the first one to use it AND I borrowed it from a woman in her 90’s who is in WAY better shape than I.
  • Just yesterday, I was in tears I was in so much pain before going to the office.

All of a sudden today, I was able to walk without my cane and I was able to get through most of my restorative yoga class and it’s the end of the day and I now definitely feel the pain, but I’m still okay. This pain stuff is just crazy. So, all I’m sayin’ is… the FLARE better be gone! It visited for over a month, it’s definitely time to go!!

Things are about to get really crazy around here… and I mean crazy. PACE is going to either be my best friend or my enemy. I guess that’s the real definition of FRENEMY. Lord have mercy. Did I really just say that? Seriously. I need help. I mean mental help, I’m starting to lose it. Okay, so I already lost it… so that just means I don’t have to worry about losing “it”, right? If anyone finds my “it” anywhere… just send “it” back to me. I don’t know what you’d want my “it” for anyway, you can see by the way I operate, my “it” is not in very good condition!

See how easily I am distracted? FOCUS! Okay so! I have a lot coming up in these few weeks, I don’t have time for a FLARE.

Day 25 of My Very Intense Flare…

I will apologize now. I am not the most upbeat today. It’s Day 25 of a very intense flare. One of the most intense flares in, wow, SIX months! Just looking back through my posts, I thought it had been much longer, but it’s only been six months. I am now feeling just a little bit worse. I am going to allow myself to feel like shit for just this moment so I will hopefully feel better by the time I get done writing this post. It’s getting very difficult for me to keep it together minute to minute, hour to hour, day-to-day as this flare continues.

This flare is different from before… very different. For the first time in the history of my flares, I cannot get enough sleep. I am tired all the time. I mean, I am exhausted when I go to sleep, when I wake up, when I eat, when I work, when I breathe… just when. On Monday when I went to the dr., he got it. Exhaustion from pain. This time is different. I am in level 8-10 pain 24 hours a day, 7 days a week… every second of the day… and it makes me tired. It makes me frustrated and it’s starting to make me really angry. I am really, really, really trying not to let this shit take over my life.

Today was the day I hit the wall. If I had the strength I would have beat the shit out of the wall. I have taken a vacation and not been able to walk, I have been to a wedding and not been able to dance, I have been to the beach twice and not been able to walk to the ocean… for me? not walking to the ocean is actually a first… I should not whine, it’s a blessing that I can walk at all. It’s a blessing that I am able to go to the beach and I was invited to a wedding… a beautiful wedding with some great people and I got to watch my son dance all night, it was the best night ever! What the hell am I complaining about? I’m not complaining… I’m not.

I believe what I am trying to say is… I am tired. I am in a lot of pain and it is hard to deal with. Some days are harder than others and today is one of those hard days.

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Fibromites, Do You Wake Up Refreshed? Just Smile!

It is Saturday morning, 6:30am and I am sitting here wide awake. Ask me why… c’mon, ask. Come onnnnn…. Okay fine! Because it’s Saturday and I can actually sleep in (well not really, my daughter has a soccer game and I would have to get up in a bit anyway, but that’s not the point!). The point is, it’s Saturday and I don’t have to get up at this time and it’s like flipping backwards day as usual in my life and I am awake for no reason when I should be asleep and here I am wide awake! Whew! That was a long sentence! It is not as if I got enough sleep so I woke up feeling…. and I hate this word now –> REFRESHED (Wait a minute, I honestly have tried to take that word out of my vocab… so rewind, erase and replace hate with strongly dislike). How many fibromites actually feel “refreshed” when they wake up? (could you actually feel me doing the quote/unquote really strongly with my fingers that time? because I was, well as strong as these grip-less hands would let me). I mean, that is just not something I have felt in years. I wake up feeling like …. hmmmm … not sure I have thought about this … I wake up and think about how I slept, what hurts and will I be able to walk when I get out of bed and then I try and figure out what day it is. Now as my daughter says, “sharing is caring” so when y’all read that one, laugh with me, not at me… because, for example, today I woke up and really thought it was Thursday for some reason. I was pretty happy it was Saturday once I figured it out. Still laughing at me, I mean, with me? That’s alright, that’s why you visited my blog today, some pain relief. :)

So back to my point, most days I wake up feeling tired, half of those days along with tired foggy decides to join the party and maybe 15% of those days depression decides to crash the party and bring everyone down. So refreshed never really happens. I wonder what that’s like. You know when you are watching t.v. and that commercial comes on with the chick in her all white pajamas changing the all white sheets, and the light shining through the wall of glass behind her and she just looks all clean and refreshed? She is the anti-me. I ha… oh wait, really dislike her.

It’s really not all bad, it’s my reality. I’m just saying it’s Saturday and “hellllllooooooooo”, just thought I might sleep in today, but apparently I needed to get up and greet the world. Okay… seriously, I am smiling… I really am. I just realized it. I am crackin’ myself up as I write this… I have to take my own advice, right? Don’t take life too seriously… and THAT my friends is why I am up early. I needed to wake up and get an early start so I could smile and hopefully make you smile. If I didn’t get up early enough I would not have been able to write this before getting out of the house for my daughter’s game. That’s the start of my day… smiling. Awesome!

Hope you enjoyed my post. Thanks for stopping by and I hope you start your day with a smile!

Stay cool!

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My Mom and I Sport Matching Canes & I Want to Tattoo this on my Children!!

If you all go back into your memories and think about how you were raised, the moments that stick out into your mind… what do you remember that relates to your health today? What should you remember? What is that you want to communicate to your children that they may want to keep in mind as they grow older?

I went to lunch with my folks yesterday and one comment the manager of the restaurant said stuck in my mind… he said something like “I like how you two sport the matching canes!” From that comment, this post was born…

I remember, when my mom was my age, she certainly was not using a cane. She was in much better shape than I. When my grandmother was my mother’s age now, she certainly was not using a cane, she was in much better shape than my mother. It amazes me how the health of the three of us have deteriorated between the three generations. My grandmother was in really good shape until her 90’s. I don’t see that for myself. How is it that my grandmother lived to her late 90’s and both of my aunt’s have passed away already? They were not even into their 80’s! As I look into the past, this is what I  remember…

  • In my childhood years, my mother used to do all the cooking and cleaning, driving us around, in addition to all that, she was also very active in a non-profit group with my father.
  • In my high school years, I remember my mom working and running errands and helping us do whatever needed to get done… her life had to be frustrating dealing with 2 teenagers in the house! She was working at a medical clinic and still doing the cooking and cleaning. I was not paying much attention, I was a selfish teenager just paying attention to myself. I can somewhat appreciate my son’s attitude as he graduates from high school this year. I was a bit more oblivious than he is!
  • After I moved out, I noticed my mom took a lot more naps in the afternoon and tired a lot easier. It’s hard to work, take care of a house, and cook. I think she stopped cooking as much as her lack of energy didn’t allow her to do it all. Completely understandable.
  • As I started having children, my mom’s health really started to decline. She had to stop driving and her eyesight was not as good as it used to be so she was not able to enjoy the hobbies she once used to love. Now quality of life was so different that it once was. I can definitely relate to this.

I know through all of these years, there was a hysterectomy, hypoglycemia, diabetes, kidney transplant, plus a lot of stuff going on with her eyes… all the while my dad has had his own medical issues to deal with.

When I think about all this, I sit back and want to tatoo this on my children.

  1. Exercise, exercise, exercise!!!
  2. Please, eat a balanced diet… don’t go crazy, just eat good foods!!!
  3. GET EDUCATED!
  4. Never be too proud!!!
  5. Have fun, tomorrow is not promised, don’t take life or people too seriously!!!

Honestly, there have been many moments in my life where I have let things get to me and bring me down for WAYYYYY to long. I mean, really… REALLY? Was it worth it? HELL NO! Let’s be serious. I wasted that time just being angry.  So as I said… wasted time! Stop wasting time being angry and get over it!

I have definitely wasted moments in my life not getting educated vs. getting an education. That may sound strange, but instead of actively learning I would honestly sit in class and just not pay attention. If you have the opportunity to learn – pay attention and get educated!! I just had a really hard time, I believe I was depressed and I let myself fall further and further behind and never raised my hand up and said I needed help. I was too proud. Never be too proud. Especially if you have chronic pain. That is one thing I have learned in so many ways… over and over and over and over again!

Moral of the story? The time you have is valuable, use it wisely.

  • Live, love and laugh!
  • Don’t be too proud to ask for help so you can use your energy to have fun vs. washing the dishes or cleaning the house.
  • Get educated, we are the best advocates for chronic pain and fibromyalgia, let’s keep pushing the knowledge out there!

Does this make any sense? Let me know.

Thanks for stopping by my foggy brain blog. It’s been one hell of a painful week. I end this vacation wishing I had another week off, but accepting I don’t. Thanks for all the support!

Big HUGE thanks to Teia Hassey for my Sugar Doll award, that has totally made my vacation week!! Everyone check out her blog, it’s awesome!

Just Breathe – Life changing experiences with tibial torsion, ovarian cancer,vertigo,tinnitus,and Fibromyalgia. My quest for happiness.

Stay cool!