fibromyalgia

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My Wishes That Came True.

I have a secret. I have been thinking about this a lot in the last couple months. It’s crazy and I’m going to share it with you.

I wished for a dining room in my house. I have one now.

I wished for one of those windows in my kitchen over the sink that you can put flowers and vases and stuff that you want to just keep to show. I have one now.

I stayed in a really nice hotel once that had a big huge shower with a bench and a separate ginormous tub and I wished that I could have one in my bathroom… someday. Someday is now.

I wished that my bathroom would be bigger so my husband and I could have our own sinks. My bathroom is now almost bigger than my bedroom was before.

I wished that we could have a room with a sliding glass door that I could walk outside and look to the sky. I have that now.

I wished for a backyard that I could go outside and work. I have that now.

I wished for a backyard with lots of seating for entertaining and shade where people could sit. I have that now.

I wished that we could live close to my son’s friends. We are there.

I wished for a kitchen nook to sit and eat casually with upgraded kitchen. I have that now.

My kids wished for an upstairs. They have that now.

I wished for my own separate room for paper crafting. I have that now.

I wished for a guest room. I have that now.

I wished for peace and quiet. I have that now.

I wished that we had an  extra bathroom so when guests stayed with us they had their own space. I have that now.

I wished for a bigger back yard for Tani to run around. I have that now.

I clearly remember in all these times thinking, it would be nice to be further away from all the noise and traffic (not that their was a lot of either where we were). While I was quietly thinking about all these things at different times over the course of my lifetime, God was listening to me. He turned all my quiet prayers into reality. He did this in a way that was not necessarily your “dream come true” story, but I do have all those things I thought about. I have it all now. I have all the grounded outlets. I have more grounded outlets in this house than one could possibly imagine! We have power in our backyard, I mean this is crazy – all the possibilities with the things that are in this house we are living in now. We are blessed. We lost our home… we gained my “wish” home without even realizing it.

It is so quiet here. I am getting used to it. I miss my neighbors, it hurts my heart to not have them across the street and next door. The fact is, everything I wanted in a house would never make up for the relationships that you build over the years.

My secret is that God listens to everything. You never know when and what you will receive. At first I felt responsible for what has transpired, but then I know God has a plan for us. From the moment we found this house, I knew there was a higher plan taking place. Under normal circumstances, this is not a house we would ever afford or find. Life could be so much worse.

Already I know we are better for what we have gone through.

I am almost through another winter. This has been a painful one, but I have been able to work from home for the most part. This has helped quite a bit. My meds are working and I haven’t had to make a lot of adjustments to the meds. No migraines for the past month, thankfully. I just take the pain in stride and my mental state seems to help manage my physical pain. The more positive I keep myself, the more I can manage my pain. There is a definite relationship there. I do a lot of self talking and willing that negative shit away. Some days are better than others, but you all know exactly what I mean. Some days we are stronger than others.

I am careful what I am wishing for now. :) I am definitely more focused on the more important things in life, like keeping my son safe and always praying he is making good choices. Praying for my daughter to be aware of her environment and that I can be there for her whenever she needs me and that she will come to me. Nothing like becoming an adult!

Well, I better get back to my Sunday. Thanks for reading!

Stay Cool and please let me know how you are doing.

Tamiko

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Take Time to RELAX!

I’m sitting outside enjoying the peace and quiet.. what? peace and quiet? yes. Believe it or not, I am enjoying the peace and quiet of my own backyard. It’s really beautiful in my new backyard. It’s like a park back here. The sound of the breeze blowing through the trees reminds me of when I was young and used to lay in the grass and look up in the sky and imagine all the shapes in the clouds. What an imagination I used to have… when anything was possible and nothing was unimaginable. Planes flying overhead were kings and queens coming to visit me and I was going to find out I was a long-lost princess! Digging in the dirt, I would find minerals to create a medicine to cure illnesses… or shhhh go pull the leaves off my mom’s plants and petals off her flowers and mush it all together and add water to create a secret potion and voila! Now I have secret powers… I’m invisible. Now I can go in my brother’s room and he can’t see me when he’s in there with his friends. hahahahaha! Fun times, fun times…

Wellllllll, back to today. I am just sitting here realizing that relaxing and taking in this moment is what I should do more often.

This is what it is to relax. Enjoy the sun. Enjoy the peace and quiet. Even if it is only for 10-15 minutes. Take advantage of the time and just …. breathe in the fresh air and …. R E L A X. It’s free. It’s not as easy as one would think. You may be laughing at me right now, but seriously… with all the technology out there – how often do YOU just go outside and sit in a chair and close your eyes and relax?

In all honesty, I’m still typing on my laptop right now. BUT, before I started this little post… I did relax! LOL! Trust me. That’s when that little “I gotta blog this” happened. Alright… now… GO! GO Relax!!

Oh yes. As promised, here’s my New Year’s Project:

Thank you so much for stopping by! I hope the sun is shining on you wherever you are!

Stay cool and let me know what you do to relax.

Tamiko

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Fibromyalgia, Chronic Pain, Depression, ADHD…. None of this Defines You

New year, new theme for my blog… and I am saying good riddance to 2010!! It has been one hell of a year! I am happy to see this one go, I must say. 2010 was a tough year and I am ready to move forward and start strong with 2011.

What do you remember most about 2010? This was a painful year for me… both physical and emotional. I felt the pain of fibromyalgia and the pain of losing loved ones, the pain of walking away from my house after 10 years, the emotional upheaval of changing companies after 20+ years…

It was also a year of celebration… my son turned 18, he graduated from high school and started college. My daughter is in middle school and is excelling in her academics and in soccer. They are both maturing and growing up and I am realizing that they are so independent. I am also seeing what traits they have taken from my husband and myself and it’s awesome and difficult at the same time to see. You always want only the best traits to be passed on, right? You know that’s not the way it always goes… you just pray that your children will listen and learn from your experiences. If not, they will learn on their own as you did yourself. I honestly get this, it hurts my heart to see it happening though. Many of you out there know what I am talking about. You are going through the same thing with your children.

As we enter 2011, my family just completed our annual project.

  • What are your 10 most memorable moments of 2010?
  • What are your 10 goals for 2011?

We take those and write them down and scrapbook them on a piece of 12×12 paper, frame them and put them up on the wall for the year. I will share mine (truth be told, mine is the only one that is still “almost” complete”), as I was saying, I will share mine with all of you when I finish it.

I highly recommend you sit down with your family and do something like this. If anything, it’s a great conversation.

I wanted to make sure I ended the year by saying HAPPY NEW YEAR!!  to all of you… you have all been fantastic supporters in my life.

Most important, if you take anything from my blog, take this… Fibromyalgia, chronic pain, depression, ADHD…. none of this defines you. You are defined by the values and beliefs and all the inner beauty inside you. Your pain is real. Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

You deserve an awesome 2011. I’m praying you have one!! Thanks for stopping by and I hope you come back in 2011.

Stay cool.

Tamiko

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This Too Shall Pass… I Am Blessed.

Wow… Where have I been? It’s been over two months since I have written something… and to be totally honest, it’s been over almost that long since I have even visited my blog page. Six months ago, if someone would have said I would let that let that much time pass without viewing my page, I would have just ignored them because I would have thought to myself “NO Flippin WAY!”. Well, it’s true. Now that I’m here, that old familiar feeling is back. It’s the middle of the night, I’m sitting in the dark, on the couch with just the dim light from my laptop…. except this time… same couch – different house.

Where do I start? My life, my life, my life… Lord, I know You do not shoulder more than one can bear… I. Just. Am. So. Very. Tired. I really do try not to complain, I know there are people so downtrodden and their lives really suck, I know I have no right to complain…

Here’s the deal… let me bottom line it for you… I feel like I am starring in a country song where you play it backwards to figure out everything that has been lost (I should win an award for this one!)… I am just not mending… I don’t even know how to mourn anymore. I know hospital emergency rooms and intensive care units up and down the west coast and unfortunately so do my children. What started out as a good learning situation for my children when they were young, has turned out to be a continuous cycle of “Whose Funeral Are We Going to This Month?” … Scarred for life.

Where the hell was I going with this? Oh yeah… I was bottom lining it… let me get back to it…

So! Important in a Chronic Pain Patient’s life… Truth. Honesty. Well in anyone’s life, but more so in a chronic pain person’s life because you spend your entire life explaining your pain to people who do not believe you!

Shortly after the passing of my very close friend Steve’s passing, I lost my Godfather which seemed “suddenly” to me (way too soon as I just really wanted more time!)… Very close after that… we had a traumatic experience with a dog that we were really hoping to adopt (all of my 4-legged blogger friends would totally relate to my experience but Lumpy is in a happy home now!) Well, my son entered college and turned 18 and then my husband and I found out we needed to move out of our house we had lived in for over 10 years. We had less than 2 weeks to vacate. So! I found us a house to rent and we packed up our memories and our furniture and moved to our new “home”. That was the 1st week of November… and did I tell you I was on disability and went back to work the second week of September?

For those of you that were around my blog last year… I was blessed to get out and help pick the tree this year and my husband and I trimmed it this year!

I have this horrible feeling there is a big ass dam inside my body somewhere secret stored up and it’s just going to open up one day… God help the folks that are around on that day. Poor souls… I have a huge smile on my face right now… because Lord knows, all you can do is smile when you think about the poor souls who will have to deal with my ass when I unload on them!

So, now that you are caught up with where I have been and what I have been up to since the last time I blogged….

After all I have been through…

my family still makes me laugh at least once or five or ten times a day.

My parents are still with me and I thank God every single day for this.

I am blessed.

I still have my brothers, sisters and their families and my friends and their families around me.

I am blessed.

I still have my five senses.

I am blessed.

(Ummm I did not say I HAVE sense, don’t get crazy here).

My husband still wakes up every morning and goes to sleep to me.

I am truly truly blessed.

I have fibromyalgia, ADHD and chronic depression and yes…

I am blessed.

For me, it is important to remind myself to remember what I have and to do my best to stay positive. Please be positive with me. There’s enough negativity out there…

Thanks for reading! Stay cool…. and God bless all of you and Happy Holidays!

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Integral Tai Chi is My New Depression/ Fibromyalgia Pain Drug of Choice!

“My body is healthy… My body is healthy… My body is healthy… My body is healthy…” I am chanting this in my head while next to me a lady is not so quietly snoring… interestingly it does not bother me, although there are moments when I want to laugh (but cross my heart…. I don’t). While I chant this over and over in my head, I scan my body for pain and if I find any, I mentally push it out of my body. You are wondering what I am talking about… I get it, I would be wondering too.

This is the relaxation segment of my Integral Tai Chi class. It is the last 30 minutes of the 2-hour class I have been taking… my new favorite depression/ pain drug of choice. As I am laying in the dark on my mat in the “corpse” position and the instructor has directed us to relax every part of our body and told us when we awaken our bodies will be healthy. It becomes my chant while I lie there for the next ten minutes. I feel like this class has changed my life. Sounds pretty crazy, right? Well, take me seriously and find a class and give it a try. Here’s the class description:

Integral Tai Chi is a self-healing system that integrates tai chi, yoga, relaxation and meditation to heal the mind, body and spirit. This comprehensive approach involves a series of 10 body movement postures each designed to increase balance, awareness, endurance, flexibility, flow, concentration, energy and spiritual transformation. Integral Tai Chi can be easily learned and practiced by all ages and body types.

I have been able to do things that have caught me completely by surprise… okay, for example… remember in Karate Kid that crane move that all your friends growing up have done and said “I’m the Karate Kid!!”…. I CAN DO THAT!!! SHUT UP!! I CAN!!! Unbelievable… I can actually balance on one foot!! I almost fainted with surprise the first time I did it… I started to giggle. I really did. No one can even understand the gravity of the situation. balancing on one foot, WHILE lifting my arms UP IN THE AIR like that is just CRAZY!! LOL!! For all you modern folk that do not remember Karate Kid (the original… God forbid…) it’s the Crane pose in Kung Fu Panda!

I can’t explain it, I don’t get it myself, but the stretches that are done… although they definitely are challenging for me, feel soooooo good! I feel really good both mentally and physically when I finish this class. I have felt like a totally different person the last three weeks. My husband tells me he is afraid to break the spell… he wishes I could take this class every day. I think that might be a bit much. :) I mean, what is the message he is sending to me?? LOL!

For me personally, I think I said it in a prior posting, the mental effect that this has had on me is so significant… the healing of the mind and spirit and the pure focus on positivity and exiting frustration, stress, negativity from the body/ mind… this is just what I need. I sleep better on the nights that I go… although this time, my beautiful dog decided to wake me up at 4:00 in the morning to go outside and I decided to write this blog posting instead of going back to bed. I also have been able to relax enough to read an actual book… this is amazing. I haven’t read a book from beginning to end in so long I can’t remember when. I have finished three books in the last two weeks. I usually start a book and then after the first couple pages or chapters, put it down and never pick it up again.

I know a lot of you are in pain. If you are in the bay area (San Francisco to San Jose on both sides of the bay), these classes are FREE, take advantage and give it a try… “listen to you body” and do what you can, but stay for the last 30 minutes. If you are not in the bay area, find a local class and it is very possible that you may have free classes as well. I understand this ITC organization is in Southern California offering free classes (this is a non-profit organization). This particular group is AWESOME! I think you can tell, I am pretty jazzed about this… just a little bit… :) I’ve been in pain a very long time… This is the first time I have found something that is FREE and works and not a drug! nice… it’s a blessing.

http://www.css-sanjose.org/eng/itc.html

  • 30 minutes of warm up
  • 60 minutes of 10 body movements
  • 30 minutes of relaxation and meditation

I could barely walk when I went to the first class… I am walking significantly better… ask my dog! :)

Thanks for reading! Stay cool (literally! It’s been pretty hot out there!)

Hugs….

Tamiko

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Fibromyalgia and Creatively Finding Your True YOU…

Topsy Turvy (album)

Image via Wikipedia

Post #500 My Foggy Brain… take 5… annnnnnndddd ACTION!

Yeah right! It’s not really my 500th post, but it is about the 5th time I have tried to write a post for my blog. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, every time I start/stop, start again or even finish… something doesn’t feel right. I’m just not feelin’ it. The vibe is not all good. You get what I’m sayin’… it has to be right, to actually push the “Publish” button! Once the content is out there, I need to feel good about what I’m sharing. I am always honest and give my best when I write and I don’t want to start half assin’ things now…

My world has been topsy-turvy, I always wanted to say that… topsy-turvy… Seriously, my life as a medically disabled on-leave full-time person is very different. It took three weeks just to realize I actually wasn’t working. One week to transition my work away, the second week to recover from the prior week of transitioning and the third week was the last week of the summer before school started, in addition, we had some getting ready to do for a family wedding. Let me just say this past week was the fourth week and I experienced a full-on flare for a few days and then recovery mode. Life definitely does not stop for anything.

I will say this… and this is not easy to say. I have chronic depression and I have had it for a very long time. Shortly after going on this medical leave I fell into a major depression. I have been doing a lot of creative journaling and prayer and listening to my Joyce Meyer podcasts everyday. I can feel myself coming out of it, it’s been almost a month. With the journaling to get clarity about some things about myself and my faith exercises along with my physical exercises and the support of my family it has helped to bring me to a better place.

The reason I shared that with you is to show you that it is possible to go from the crappiest place to a better place … but it definitely takes work. As I sit here and type I realize I actually did do some work to get here. As I smile I CAN say, “I didn’t just sit on my ass for the last 30 days.”. Not that I really did believe I sat on my ass for the last 30 days, but it is so far removed from working 12 hours a day that I didn’t actually realize what I had accomplished until right now.

In “finding” myself (I just laughed when I typed that because a girlfriend and I just discussed this phrase last month and “finding myself” in our discussion meant having an affair to a lot of other people…. so if that’s your definition… let me interject… NOT my definition!!)… okay pay attention, back to what I was saying. In my creative journaling to get to know myself better and find out what I really want out of life I bought a blank journal book and a whole lot of color pencils and asked myself some questions… in case any of you are going through this, I thought I’d share some of them with you, as well as a cool website I am using:

  • I just started with blank pages and wrote out “I Am…” on one page filling in the page with colorful descriptive words that I kept to less than 15 and all positive, on two pages I drew out a big heart and wrote out “I Love…” at the top and listed everything inside the heart… you get where I’m going with this – you can make your own lists to get to clearly define your own YOU.
  • creativity 101: discover, explore+empower your creative genius. This e-course is free and it’s pretty cool so far. Check it out, for all you creative types, there are weekly courses, meditations and you work at your own pace. for a free course, it’s pretty well done. http://www.abccreativity.com/creativity-e-course/
  • My big winner this week was finally, after a year of procrastinating, taking the integral tai-chi class! Why did I wait?? I loved it! It was two hours and it was relaxing, challenging, spiritually uplifting, mentally uplifting, physically I felt better when I left and I’m looking forward to the next class… oh and did I mention it was FREE?? These classes are offered through the local libraries so they are always free. With all the hype about Tai-Chi and Fibromyalgia, now is the time to try it out… you won’t regret it!

To finish my post, I went for a walk tonight with my two beautiful children and my crazy dog. It’s the first time I have done this in a very very long time. In fact, I cannot remember the last time I have gone for a walk like this. I really have to cherish these moments, in a few weeks my son goes off to college and soon I fear I will be “invisible” to my daughter. I can feel it coming… It was really nice to get out of the house and be able to walk for 30 minutes. My crazy, funny dog loved every minute and she kept us all entertained (as usual). I really need to give that Caesar Milan a call… I love my dog, but she has that psycho thing goin’ on whenever she sees another dog on a leash…. off leash she is pretty awesome… well… she has her moments… as long as everyone is off leash she is really awesome… honest, she is. look at her pictures, you know she is! she is totally submissive when she goes psycho… she just has this crazy bark that sounds like she is kujo-dog… all the while wagging her tail and as soon as she gets close to the dog, she rolls over to her back… but how would the other owner KNOW that?? They have to be a true dog lover to know that…. and not everyone is, sooooo anyway… how did I get on this?? oh yeah, I am easily distracted…. anyway… I love my dog and you would too if you met her! :)

Hey, thanks for stopping by and please let me know how you are doing today!

Stay cool

Tamiko

PS. The links and that picture are brought to you by this new fancy function in WordPress that I’m trying out… so I may have gone a little crazy with it… what do you think?

PPS. I am having a difficult time finding a theme that I like… hence the constant changing of the themes… still not loving this one… waiting for one to get published that makes me go WOW!

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