foggy brain

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I Went to the Beach Today…

I WENT TO THE BEACH TODAY AND… now

pain pulsates through my body

i suffer for having to walk at all today

my legs scream in pain

feet tired

my chest is bruised on the inside

arms and shoulders

exhausted

neck

my neck

i wish

my neck

was

not

so

tense

so

i

could

relax

but that is not the case

and

to top off this day

i have a headache and

my heart is heavy on this day.

WHILE AT THE BEACH… I DID

have a nice time with my very close friends

we ate great food, good conversation

wonderful weather

i

did

relax.

i

should

have

stayed

at

the

beach!

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What’s Your “In Your Head” Morning CheckList? From One Fibromite to Another…

… i am running about to go up some stairs … anndddd I’m awake! well, my brain is slowly adjusting to the morning fogginess attempting to determine dream vs. reality. ummmm running? definitely dream! as i slowly go through my morning checklist in my head…

  • can i move my legs? let’s see… i can already feel that numbing-tingling-i’m-gonna-go-limp-on-you feeling in my knees and i haven’t even gotten out of bed… great. it would be one thing if i had maybe been on a 2-hour bike ride first, but this is ridiculous… oh yeah, it was all that running i just did. the top of my legs, right on that bone area… as long as you don’t… well let’s just say touch it… we are all good! maybe i should just invest in shin guards… soccer fever is in the air, right? hey, my thighs? alllll goood!!
  • how about my feet? toes are good – check! bottom of my feet are good, yes! i hate that pins and needles or i should say spikes and knives that go on for about 1-3 minutes that feels like 15 minutes that make me want to scream in pain! AHHHHHHHH!!! but i can’t complain about that at this moment… woohoo!! tops of my feet were feeling a bit of “the jolly green giant stepped on me” pain, but i can deal with that.
  • i’d love to skip that middle of the body – ’cause … well … it’s just a bit massive so in my mind it’s just best sometimes to forget about it. (“body image mom!” i can hear my daughter saying because i don’t like to say negative things around her… i don’t want her growing up constantly obsessing about her body image. shit. i hate when stuff comes back on me like this.) okay.  anyway, my tummy is upset as it always is these days when i wake up… when i am awake… pretty much all the time… and i don’t end up with a beautiful bouncing baby 9 months later either!! let’s be very clear — i don’t want a beautiful bouncing baby at this time in my life, but for feeling sick like this? you’d think it would be the end result! i keep thinking i should break out my maternity clothes because my stomach is all bloaty and upset all the time, then i remember, nope just another side effect. damn. (and i thought i had an excuse to go clothes shopping!)
  • arms…. oh my arms. yup! let’s just say they definitely are not going to be doing any heavy lifting today. light lifting is out as well. driving? not today either. wrists? high on the pain level scale… and shoulders? high, very high.
  • neck? well… unfortunately that is not a good place for me. neck and shoulders is where i carry my stress. i have to constantly remind myself… r-e-l-a-x! i do a lot of the deep breathing exercises and relax my neck and shoulders during that time because i constantly forget to relax there… pain is high. i will get up and do my exercises and hopefully that will help.
  • head? i have a headache this morning…

guess what day today is. just guess. no really. because i am in bed saying to myself it’s definitely a “cane” day and i’m not talking sugar cane… it’s definitely a day to take a long nap and rest. although i will try to convince my husband to take me to the dog park, my favorite place to just get away and relax. it is, of course, saturday. because that would be my free day and it has become my “down” day. literally. after working 5 days and wanting to have a fun day, i always end up with this “down” day. which actually isn’t the worst thing that could happen… i just don’t like things forced on me.

this week has actually been great, we’ve had friends from out-of-town visiting to make for better days and last night we had a great night out. tomorrow we will go to the beach. it’s not the usual week. no complaining from this girl!!

what’s your usual “in your head” morning checklist?

wishing you all a pain-free week-end! thanks for stopping by… stay cool!

tamiko

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This Roller Coaster We Call Chronic Pain…

I have spent the last few weeks in a complete funk. I felt like shit. My flare kept me down. I had a difficult time overcoming my depression. Life was not fun.

Chronic pain is an interesting condition to live with… it’s like living on this ultimate roller coaster. Your life is literally going in these huge swings of ups and downs depending on the levels of pain you are in. YOU have to constantly be in control of your emotions. Everyone around you depends on YOU to constantly be in control of your emotions, your pain medication, your antidepressants (if you use them), your diet, your exercise regime, your sleep hygiene, basically every minute and second of your life. Let’s be real… this is just unrealistic. I know this… my chronic pain friends out there know this… but 99.9% of the people who live normal lives will never understand this. It’s incomprehensible to get this. Although they (folks without chronic pain) deal with it, they want a consistent “YOU”, not this sometimes  emotional, sometimes irrational/ erratic/ sensitive person. Sure we live in the straight areas of the roller coaster and we appreciate those times, but we all know that there are going to be the ups and downs.

Here’s the reality. The reality is, no one is perfect here. No one. Not us – the chronic pain people. Not them – the support people. We all have to understand this. So, there really should not be an “US” and “THEM” in theory, but in reality once again I challenge everyone to  think about this difference in groups. How do we bridge this gap? Is there a need to bridge the gap?

How do we better educate our family and friends around us? I still find it very difficult to talk about all the conditions I have. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me, I don’t want to get “that” look. I realize I need to be okay with how people react, their reactions are normal. I realize it takes time for people to accept and be okay with change. I want to educate people so they can understand the conditions that I have. I want people to understand that I am in pain everyday. Some days are better than others, but even though I look good on the outside (okay people I am not trying to say “I look GOOD!”, I’m saying I look healthy good), the pain I feel is real.

So, let me get back on track (good pun, huh? Sometimes I am pretty good! lol!)… I was on the down side of this roller coaster and I was falling fast. I had no sight of things getting better and I really felt like the pain was going to keep getting worse, my stomach has been upset, I’ve been using my cane, my depression has been bad… that dark cave was getting smaller and smaller. I was trying to find ways to get out, but I didn’t feel like I had options.

I have been praying and I pushed myself to spend the 4th with friends and family and you know what? That dark cave opened up and the light shined through. I allowed myself to just relax and my husband and my kids took care of me and I enjoyed time with old friends and family. I had a fabulous time! I am not a social bunny (understatement of the decade). I generally do not like to be around a lot of people, but I had a really nice time. When my pain got to be too much, I looked at my husband and he knew exactly what I needed and we said our g’bye’s. We came back to the house and rested for a bit and while I rested my husband took Tani out for a run and then we all went next door for the annual fireworks and then back home for the night. All in all a great day to bring some well needed light into my life!

Sometimes, it just takes the simple things in life. Some friends to light up your life. Say “YES” to the invitations to go out, even if you stay for an hour. You might be surprised by the smile on your face when you leave. Wear something easy and don’t be hard on yourself about having to look perfect, people want to see YOU! I have missed out on many opportunities and I am sorry for that. I can only hope to work harder at this.

Also, let’s find ways to better educate those around us, and remember we aren’t all perfect… it’s just not possible. Let’s find a way to bridge this gap. The responsibility is on us, we are the ones with the medical conditions and we have the knowledge. Let’s find better ways to share in a user-friendly way. If you have ideas, please share with me.

Thanks so much for stopping by! Stay cool!

Tamiko

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What do You Miss? Here's One Fibromite's List…

Jumping.
Up and down with excitement

Dancing.
The night away

Running.
Away in laughter

Long walks with friends

Driving wherever I want… just driving period

Energy.

To maintain friendships
To be a great parent
To be a great wife
To maintain relationships with family
To look pretty

Beautiful Shoes.
Anything with a heel.. the shoes women die for! I miss those shoes…
Boots. Sandals. Black. Red. Suede. Leather.

Reading.
Books. Magazines. Anxiety has taken over my ability to relax long enough to read

Gardening.
Flowers. Landscaping. Pots.

Relaxing.
I don’t know how anymore

Beach.
Sun. Waves. Endless ocean. Sunset.

Freedom.

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Maybe There Are Just Too Many Maybe’s… Making Decisions With A Foggy Brain

Let’s say, for instance, you have to make a life altering decision. How do you go about thinking through this decision? Do you talk to your friends? Do you go in a dark room and think, think, think? Do you sit down and make a list of the pro’s and con’s? Do you talk to your counselor? Do you talk to your significant other? Do you talk to your dog? parents? What do you do?

Let me give you an example. You have the option to make a change that will make a significant difference in your income, your social life, even your daily life and will cause you to go through some pretty major positive and negative stress. You can either make this change OR you can keep  going in the life you have. The life you have is not bad. You make a pretty good income, you work with some of the best people on earth, you have some pretty major stress.

So, what’s the problem? Well, that was just an example. My question still remains. What do you do when you have a problem and you need to think it through? I struggle with this all the time when I have issues. With a foggy brain, when I try to figure things out… well, let’s be honest… I don’t get to the “figuring out” part. I start to do the research, but I have a difficult time reading through the policy jargon. The stuff that used to be so easy for me… this is the shit that I used to read through and help OTHER people understand. Now I’m the one that can’t figure it out. What. Happened. To. Me.

I have my good days when I can be a Lawyer! Of course these are my husband’s worst nightmare days. He should really pray these are the days he doesn’t get into an argument with me… because if I’m feeling good, I’m probably going to really want to use my brain! (God help him!) These are the days that I will willingly work 16 hours to get through as much email and paperwork as possible. I can process stuff very quickly vs. the normal time it takes. Quickly. This is how I used to work in the late 80’s and 90’s and early 2000’s bcp (before chronic pain).

I can remember those days. I used to work 16 hour days… everyday. I used to work 6 days a week… every week. My life was work, work was my life. Hmmmmm, I don’t think I should look back on those days and say “those were the good ‘ol days!”. There were definitely some GREAT days! I had a lot of fun working, I learned a hell of a lot… but I gave up a hell of a lot as well. I am certainly paying the price now. People still expect the same output or I should say, people would still like the same output. I also expect myself to be able to work like that. I still push myself to work those hours. I don’t know how to work an 8 hour day, stop working and then figure out what to do the rest of the time. Well, let’s be real here… after those 8 hours, I’m pretty much useless. BUT, IF I had energy after 8 hours, what would I do? I have no idea. There is so much to do… where would I start?

My problem is… I have so many things I want to do, I am overwhelmed. If I wasn’t working at all, where would I start? Where would I stop? How would I prioritize? The thing is… why think about it at all if there’s no chance at the moment?

So… again, I have this question about how to make this big life altering decision. I have this damn foggy brain. I have all these questions in my head. I am completely overwhelmed. I know there are all these processes you can use to make decisions… and well… I think when it comes down to it… maybe I’m just not ready to make this decision. Maybe I’m afraid. There are just so many Maybe’s.

Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe I’ll figure out what I want to do soon.

But for tonight… I think I’ll go to sleep… and maybe, jussssttttt maybe, when I wake up I’ll have an idea of how to think through this decision!

Y’all stay cool! Thanks for reading…

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A Simple Post: My Fibro Journal Template… Use It & Track Your Daily Progress… YES I SAID PROGRESS!!

Hi everyone!

I created this template based on the 10 week Level II Pain Program I took at Kaiser and I have used it every day for a month. It has helped me remember to take my meds, really understand my sleep (lack of sleep), how my pain goes up and down, when and how often I flare and… when I talk to my dr… I can actually speak factually (what a concept)!

Try it, tell me what you think… these are just pictures. I posted it a couple of weeks ago, but I thought if I showed you what the pages looked like, you would be more apt to try it out. :) You can download the template in my Awesome Resources tab.

If you are not tracking your progress… if you don’t use my template… create your own or buy one or do something! It’s important so you can see your PROGRESS!!!! Even if it’s small, you do progress. Even if it doesn’t feel like it… you are making progress. You will have bad days… but you will have GOOD days. Journaling forces you to see the GOOD!!

Okay, I’m off my soap box. :)

Thanks for reading and have a super cool and pain-free week-end!

MY FOGGY BRAIN: Daily Fibro Journal - Page 1

MY FOGGY BRAIN: Daily Fibro Journal - Page 1

MY FOGGY BRAIN: Daily Fibro Journal - Page 2

MY FOGGY BRAIN: Daily Fibro Journal - Page 2