I know many of you suffer silently with your invisible illness… you work hard to feel good… to get through EVERY. SINGLE. DAY… you do it many days without complaining and without showing your pain… and then someone just tramples on that hard work and makes you realize just how invisible your illness really is.
That is exactly what happened to me today.
I have been working very hard to lose weight, mostly because I want to feel better, and it doesn’t hurt that I feel good in my clothes. I haven’t really felt the benefits of physically feeling better (yet). I feel “lighter”. I am down 30 pounds from a year ago and it’s nice to feel the accomplishment of losing weight. BUT! Don’t get it twisted, I still feel like shit a lot of days and I still have to work hard to get through the days. The pain is still there. I still overdo it so I can enjoy life and I still suffer for overdoing it for many days after.
Today was a hard day for me. I wasn’t feeling good so I parked in a handicap space. Yes, I park in the handicap spaces when I’m not feeling good. I can tell you with all honesty that I’d rather not have a handicap placard if it means I don’t have Fibromyalgia. Anyway, as my husband and I are walking into the store this older couple drives up next to us and this is how the conversation went… and trust me when I tell you that this is the cliff notes version (for those of you that don’t remember cliff notes… this is the summary):
People, “Are you both handicapped?!?”
My husband, “My wife is.”
Old rude lady, “Well you don’t look like you are. I have to use a wheelchair and you seem to be walking fine!” … At this point I’m a bit confused and dazed by the way these people are talking to us.
My husband (very politely), “Why don’t you pull over and I will move my car so you can park there and I’ll just come pick up my wife when we are done.”
Old rude lady, “No, it’s okay”
My husband asked again if they wanted to park in our space and was very polite about it. Meanwhile these people were so mean and rude … and then they drove off talking about how they would park somewhere else and then the husband yells out the window, “You walk pretty goddamn good for someone who’s handicapped!“.

I can’t believe how perfect this image is for this post!!
Seriously? Yes, this is a true story. I was pretty stunned and embarrassed. I’m not sure why I was embarrassed… although if I’m honest with myself I know it’s because I look perfectly fine on the outside. I just walked in the grocery store… didn’t really shop and then we left. We were on the way to our niece’s birthday dinner and I was really trying not to let it get to me… but that was basically impossible… and of course a few minutes in the car and I’m in tears. Having an invisible illness forking sucks. I mean it big time forking sucks.
I already felt like absolute shit, but I’ve missed so many special occasions that I didn’t want to miss this one. I probably should have stayed home in the end… I had a hard time. The stress of what happened just made everything so much worse.
I’m glad I went, it’s nice to be around family. If I had come home I know it would have been so much worse for me. I would have started that damn spiral down, down, down. As I sit here at the end of the night, I don’t feel great, but I can tell you… I can’t be stopped.
I hope I never go back to the days when I was walking with a cane… when I was in a wheelchair… when I missed every special occasion that came around… when I would get halfway to the dinner table and be in so much pain, I would have to turn around and have my husband help me back to bed… when I literally stayed in bed for days and days… the days of being in tears… ALL. THE. TIME… fuck that. I’m not going back.
Those handicap placard police driving around in the parking lots, giving people like me shit when they don’t have a clue… well I wish them well and I hope that noone ever treats them the way they treated us tonight. I will say a prayer for them and move on.
People like that… they can’t bring me down. Yes, admittedly, I had a moment… well a pretty long moment that lasted for hours, but I’m over it now.
It’s not easy to share this kind of stuff, but I know that there are people out there who have had the same experience. Once again, unfortunately, you are not alone. I’m with you. Don’t hold on to it, don’t get angry, don’t feel sorry for yourself. Say a prayer for whoever disrespected you and move on. Let them be miserable. You continue on and find your better self.
And now? It’s time for bed. :)
Thank you for hanging out with me and I wish you all the best pain free days ever!
Stay cool.
Tamiko
Trust me… I definitely have my moments. I can spiral down that black hole with no notice. It would be great if there was a warning sign in my head with super bright (okay not super bright, I don’t want a migraine on top of everything else), but with flashing lights telling me to get out of the house, go breathe in some fresh air, focus on my blessings… literally anything to stop me from spiraling down that hellhole… but generally I can be pretty okay one minute and then BOOM! I’m in that space where you feel like you are watching your life from the outside and… it’s not good. It’s as if the Dementors are sucking all the hope and happiness out of me. I need a patronus… I’m thinking a mini flying elephant. Why? Because I love elephants… and why not small with some angel wings? Just for fun I did a search on an elephant patronus and this is what came up on the 
I can’t believe how quickly the holidays came and went. We put our Christmas tree up the first or second week in December and bright and early December 26th the ornaments were off and the tree was on the street! I’m back to work after a week off between Christmas and New Year’s and… I am exhausted. You know when babies get so exhausted they just start crying for no reason? Or how about when kids are so exhausted they get angry and frustrated for no reason, remember that? That’s me right now… except I’m 50… not a baby or a small child. I have been going and going for so many weeks I can’t do it anymore. I thought for sure this holiday season I would pace myself. I actually got a lot more done in advance than any other year, but I noticed my energy level just keeps going down. My ability to turn things around after a stressful situation just takes more and more time.
If you are feeling down, please take a moment to stop and remind yourself of all the blessings in your life. It doesn’t mean your life isn’t hard, it just means it’s maybe a little better than you first thought. Take a step forward with me and kick that bitch Self Sabotage out of your life and start new. Every day brings you another new opportunity to try again… in fact, every decision you have to make is another new opportunity to make Self Caring your new BFF. We will stumble (trust me… I have fallen down enough times to make it from the top of Mt. Everest to the very, very bottom), but at some point you will get that mean girl out of your friend circle. I will start tonight by not eating that donut… damn, and it sounded so good too!
“Just one more day…”. There’s a lot of, “I can’t wait until… XYZ“. When that moment or day arrives, my mind has already moved on. I really envy people who can just live for the moment. I want to train my brain to enjoy the now. In order to do that I have to somehow shut my brain off. It’s constantly processing… whether it’s curiosity about something going on 5 feet from me or thinking about a project at work or what will I do when I retire or what are my kids doing right now or what should I eat… I mean seriously. I could have kept typing until my fingers got numb because my mind started going 100 mph just thinking about what I think about!! Oh man, you have really entered into my world… Danger! Danger! Warning! Get out as fast as you can!! Once you enter this crazy ass place, I’m not sure if there’s a way out. At least I haven’t found a way out yet.
ay that? I feel like I say that all the time… “The last few months have been really hard for me.” It’s as if I want to believe that it really has only been the last few months, when in fact it’s been so flippin’ long I can’t remember what feeling good feels like. If you ask me how I’m doing, I will give you the standard, “I’m good” or “I’m alright” or “I’m fine”. I’m not. I’m not any of those things, I’m feeling like shit… a lot… end of sidebar. Anyway, I have not only lost my way in general, I also got completely caught up with that sidebar. (I did warn you in the first paragraph that my brain was a scary place.)
000 steps a day. (Don’t judge, I barely hit that once a week.) How about if I challenge myself to hit that 3 x a week? It’s not much, but it’s a good start. I actually went the entire month of April without any desserts/ sweets… then May hit and let’s just say, I didn’t just fall off the wagon, I think I fell off and have been getting dragged behind it for weeks. I’m telling you… as I write this, right this second, my emotional side has already started the fight. It’s telling me to go cut a slice of that chocolate cake in the fridge and eat it… it’s basically screaming at me to go do it. Bitch. Why do I have chocolate cake in my fridge you say? Because the other night I craved it so bad, my husband went out and surprised me with it. I will overcome that stupid Emotional Me and make better choices. I should not let my emotions influence my decisions. It never ends well when I do that.

