Mental health

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Day 7: TUI… Talking Under the Influence

Do you TUI? I was thinking in the car today about the effect pain has on my communication. I realized I TUI, “Talk Under the Influence” and that’s not really a good thing. I’m talking about under the influence of PAIN. Sometimes it’s mental pain, but most of the time it’s physical. I get that there are not a lot of moments when I am not in some kind of pain. I try to manage my way through and be the best person I can, but being my “best” does not always result in … well… even a “decent” conversation by any standard.

So what happens? Most the time I fake my way through conversations, I have talked about that before. That works in most situations. Where it doesn’t work is in my relationship with my family. I generally muddle through and after think to myself, “Why did I say that?” or better still, “What did I just say?”. These moments are not fun for anyone. Reacting in a negative way to a simple question or blowing up over nothing… a better word to use would be – OVER reacting. In this situation everyone is frustrated. My kids look at me like I’m an alien from another planet, while I’m wondering (in the moment) “What the HELL is going on??”. I know I’m under the influence when the conversation goes:

Me: Please go XYZ

Child: ok

Me (5 minutes, okay maybe 2 minutes later): Why haven’t you XYZ?

Child: Chillax mom

Me: WHAT? What did you say to me? Why are you talking to me like that? Why haven’t you done what I told you to? When are you going to do it? Screw it. You’re grounded!

Child: Why do you always get so mad at me? I didn’t even do anything!

Me: … well words can’t really explain how I feel at that moment, mostly I think my heads going to pop off my neck at that point… until about 10 minutes later when I’m sitting there, alone. Wondering… wondering what the hell just happened.

Talking Under the Influence can really hit at anytime. I don’t usually know I’m doing it. The most telling factor is when I’m mid-sentence or mid-thought and I forget what I’m saying or even what the conversation is about. I can’t figure out the next word. Foggy brain in the purest form.

I get that relationships are challenging under normal circumstances. Add in a chronic illness, both pain and depression, and it’s not really a recipe for success. It takes patience and hard work. Work requires energy, which most of the time is non-existent (I’m talking about never having energy… work? That’s always there!). A pretty dismal picture when you think about it. I’m sure I’m not the only one who wants to give up at times. You have to really play the entire movie out at this point… so…. you throw in the towel, what do you have left? In my case, I’d lose my support system… but most importantly I’d lose the love of my life. Is it possible to start over or maybe even… refresh a relationship? To give up, to me, means that I have let this shit win. I won’t allow that. I realize most relationships end over issues with communication. I know this is always going to be a challenge, given our circumstances… the bottom line is I have a choice. I have a choice whether or not to give up and walk away (albeit slowly walking with a cane) or to fight for what is important and totally and completely worth saving. Don’t give in to those bad moments, step away and start over and try again. I have to keep the faith and fight (crazy expression… fight, that’s what got me into this situation to begin with, isn’t it? :).

It’s challenging to live life within the rules, dreams and goals I have for myself, when this outside shit keeps wanting to take over. I can have a great day, get out and about and have a fun joy-filled day… almost always, the following few days are filled with pain reminding me what I have… as if I’d forget. It’s most difficult to keep my head up during those days. I get angry and frustrated and it certainly doesn’t motivate me to keep going. I can spiral down that slide to the bottom of the well, far easier than I can climb myself out of it. It’s non-nonsensical. It’s important to keep perspective. What do I have in my life? I have family and friends who love me, I have the best kids in the world (I really do) and a wonderful husband. Things are tough and will be tough, once again it’s how you get through this shit that makes the difference.

I may TUI, but if the people around me realize what I’m working with, I just keep praying they’ll continue to love and support me. Keep in mind, if you can look back and realize the moments when you TUI, it may help you understand where things may have gone wrong in a conversation. Admitting that out loud to the people who you have had those conversations with… well, that’s another story! :)

Best of luck. Thanks for reading!

Gentle hugz.

Tamiko

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Day 5: Ekphrasis Post… WHAT? Ekphrawhatis?

I am participating in the Health Activist Writer’s Month Challenge. Please visit WEGO Health’s blog and the WEGO Facebook page to find other writers tackling the same topics—or sign up for the challenge yourself!

 

Ekphrasis… what the heck does that mean? That was my first question when I saw this prompt for today. So, of course I looked it up and here’s the definition, “a literary description of or commentary on a visual work of art“. So! Now that we are all on the same page… here’s my post for today… enjoy!

The instructions for this posting was to go to flickr.com/explore and write a post inspired by the image. I searched and searched and searched for a photo that inspired me. I was getting frustrated over the whole thing when I realized I am way more inspired by pictures I already have… sometimes you just gotta rebel and do your own thing.

This picture is of my parents on one of our family vacations when I was growing up. It is one of my absolute favorites! Our vacations were spent in a cabin… no tv, no electronics. We played cards and read and just hung out together. Together. What a wonderful concept!

Look at my mom’s feet. They don’t touch the ground!!!! I laugh every single time I look at this photo.

They have been married over 50 years and that alone, is inspiring. Marriage is hard, or I should say… marriage is hard — WORK! That stuff in the movies is so romantic and funny and yes, sometimes, heart wrenching…  marriage is some of that, but let’s be real here… it’s not a romantic comedy most days. Most days marriage requires work. Respect. Love. Trust. and for those of us with chronic pain, with depression, with any chronic health issue – marriage is not easy. The one with the health issues is struggling to get through each day while really trying not to be selfish/ self absorbed… the spouse is trying to support while not complain – in the end both are trying not to build up resentment. The healthy one for having to do everything, including being the relationship cheerleader and the unhealthy one for not having as much freedom as one would like. I am quite sure many marriages do not survive. I am blessed… I have my parents to look to for advice and inspiration and I have a beautiful, loving and supportive husband.

This picture also inspires me with the desire to spend time with my husband and family doing things that don’t require spending a lot of money or even go too far. It makes me want to grab up my fam and go outside and take a hike or picnic.

Most of all… this picture makes me smile and remember some really fun family times growing up. I hope my children have memories like this when they have their families.

I want to be healthy and be able to go on family vacations and take long walks and swim and dance and run on the beach… managing my pain and mental health will, one day, get me there.

Thanks for reading! Stay cool and pain-free.

Tamiko

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Day 4: I write about my health because…

I am participating in the Health Activist Writer’s Month Challenge. Please visit WEGO Health’s blog and the WEGO Facebook page to find other writers tackling the same topics—or sign up for the challenge yourself!

Writing about my health has helped me in so many ways. When I first started this blog, I was at a very low point. I had been in pain for a very long time and just recently received confirmation that I had Fibromyalgia. I had been living with ADD and depression for a long time and the news was pretty devastating for me. Writing was very cathartic. I felt so empowered when I hit the “publish” button. Whenever I received (and I feel this way today) comments I was over the moon! There were people out there that could actually relate to what I was saying… and all of a sudden I wasn’t so alone. I have gone through some really f’ed up times. When you get down to it, those of us who have been diagnosed with any type of illness that does not have a cure or one that flares up unexpectedly (or if you have depression drops you to an all time low unexpectedly)… you have moments where you feel there is no hope.

I have sat down and written at those low moments. It gives me perspective. I know if I post a blog, there are specific folks who are always there to hold me up with their comments. When I write when I have made it through a rough patch and talk about my experience and how I got through it – I feel awesome knowing that it has helped someone. I have uplifted someone else. There really is no better feeling.

I write for myself and I write for others. Any one of you who know someone who is living with pain (physical or emotional) or if it is yourself… you know how hard it is to make it through each day. I have found with writing I may start a post with a really negative vibe. As I read and re-read it, I realize that is not the message I want to convey. I don’t want to spread negativity. The process of writing makes me realize that things are not as bad as I thought fifteen minutes ago. It’s a type of kick in the butt that I need to get out of a funk. Self-realization through writing. Wow. Crazy, but it works for me.

Thanks so much for stopping by, please leave me a comment and let me know how you are doing today.

Stay cool and hope you all are having a pain-free day!

Tamiko

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Day 3: Superpower Day… Loving Yourself

I am participating in the Health Activist Writer’s Month Challenge. Please visit WEGO Health’s blog and the WEGO Facebook page to find other writers tackling the same topics—or sign up for the challenge yourself!

If I had a superpower what would it be?

The power to heal. The power to heal would be so amazing. Just thinking about it makes my head spin. That was my initial thought when I started writing. I have written and re-written this a few times. It was sorta like… “This is a no brainer, the power to heal! What more is there to say?” I kept thinking and thinking and at the end of each little writing session, I was a little frustrated and kept wanting to just toss this posting in the garbage. I’m not sure why this question was so difficult for me.

I am sitting here watching Oprah’s Master Class and Reba McIntyre was on… and something about her vibe made me realize… I know what my superpower would be! Yes, the power to heal would be awesome and there are sooooooooo many people I would use that power on. When I was thinking about this super power ability and the power of healing was on my mind… I started making lists of all the people I want to heal. But for some reason, it didn’t give me the answer I was looking for.

As I am sitting here watching the Oprah show, I realize I want the power to give people value and self-love. I would love to be able to give people the ability to wake up in the morning and go to sleep at night knowing they matter. No matter what challenges are faced in life, at the end of the day – they always see the glass half full. Anxiety, depression, judgement and insecurity don’t live here. They may not love their job or understand why they have been dealt the cards in life they have, but that doesn’t poison their view of life. Self-love is not selfishness or self-absorbed. Self-love is loving yourself for who you are, understanding there’s room for improvement and building your character in a more awesome way along the journey. I also believe this drives acceptance and understanding of everyone around you. This, to me, would be amazing.

So! There you have it. Day 3 of this month of blogging and I think I’m doing alright so far. :) Thanks for reading! Please leave your thoughts, I love to read them!

Stay cool and here’s hoping for a pain-free day!

Tamiko

P.S. The prompt for today reminded me of a prior post I wrote: Fibromyalgia and Doing “IT ALL”… What Do You Think? I still want that invisible plane!

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Day 2: Of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most…

“Of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most.“

~Mark Twain

This quote says it all for me. I used to be so much smarter, more articulate… you know, way back when, when my memory was too good (those days when I used to wish I could forget things… man! I want to take those wishes back!) I was able to hold an adult conversation without stumbling over my words, without feeling like a complete idiot for my inability to figure out which word to say next.

I feel like a little bit of my brain goes dark each day never to surface again… I have a great day, but the memory of it doesn’t stick. The jokes and funny things, secrets amongst friends… yeah. That doesn’t work for me. I can’t remember shit and I don’t get jokes because by the time my brain catches up to what was said… the conversation has moved on.

Lord knows. I miss my mind. I miss feeling like a functioning adult. Holding a conversation at any level, with anyONE is stressful. I am afraid I’m going to say something stupid or something that just makes absolutely zero sense. I can fake it, you get good at that. I’m sure many of you would agree, you learn to fake a conversation… fake confidence… fake feeling good. My social anxiety, once manageable is now at an all time high. It’s all so exhausting.

What kills me is there are so many memories I wish I still had the ability to recall. Memories of my children, my husband, family, friends… “Don’t you remember when… ?” welllll, no, I don’t. I’m the best person to confess a secret to, I will not remember it. The problem is when you tell me a secret you want me to remember for future reference… hmmmmm, that is a challenge I don’t succeed at much.

So, what do I do about it? Well, I do my best to appreciate the here and now. I understand that this is my life and I do my best not to waste today worrying or wondering about yesterday. I give myself a break. I make light of it. I laugh at myself when I can’t remember how to use the washing machine, when I can’t figure out how to use a can opener. Life is too short. I appreciate that I can watch a movie more than once and still get surprised.

I have faith. I know that there is a bigger plan for me and I trust that I will follow the path that has been set forth for me. It’s not easy, but without faith, without believing… what’s left? I miss memories, the ability to articulate but each day presents a new opportunity to learn and become a better person. It’s up to me to take the challenge.

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Fibromyalgia and the “Why Me??” Syndrome…

So I’m sure many of you have had those hours, days or even weeks where you have the “Why Me?” syndrome. You know what I’m talking about. You are in a flare, you are depressed, you are having major foggy brain… you are just doing what you can to function and get through the day. People around do not really get what this feels like, we look normal – yet we are suffering (God I hate that word, “suffering” – don’t feel sorry for me, I just can’t think of another word). You start to question what the hell did I do to deserve this f’d up thing called Fibromyalgia? For starters… you probably worked your body and mind for years to the point where everything finally just crashed and burned. I have to believe that’s what happened to me.  No, I don’t deserve it. Living with it is not fun… it’s never fun. It’s a struggle to keep my emotions in control. I challenge myself every day with staying positive, smiling and not falling down that deep dark hole of depression. Most days I win, some days I lose.

Working full-time is honestly about all I can do these days. It sucks. Every week I start working on Monday, I get to Thursday and I’m struggling by the afternoon… on Friday I’m struggling all day. Saturday I try to get up and out of the house and do something fun, sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn’t… Sunday ends up being a day of forced rest. It’s a cycle that I have come to know very well. I’m pretty sure I’ve written this in my blog once or twice (maybe even three times) before. I appreciate that I have a job that allows me to work from home. I don’t know what I’d do if I had to commute everyday. I am thankful for the job that I have, it’s not the job as much as it is working in general. I get resentful that it takes all my good energy. What’s left at the end of the day is like the warning message you get when your laptop/phone is about to die “Warning! 10% remaining…”. Lately I’ve had to just “shut it down” and go to bed and try again the next day. I am a professional TV viewer. Well, maybe not professional, if you ask me what I just watched I can probably tell you the name of the show, but not what happened IN the show. I’m too anxious to read, no energy to go out and a lot of the time I sit and think “what should I be doing right now?”, yet as many times as I ask myself this question, I hardly ever get an answer. It’s crazy. I should know what I want to do and how I want to spend my time, yet each day it’s the same thing.

How am I doing this week… The dreaded question… or better yet, “What’s wrong with you?”, “What’s going on with you?”, “Is something wrong?”, you get the drift. Hmmmmm, so many ways to answer that question. Yet, I can’t come up with any new material. I’ve used up all the standard answers… and yes, I’m in pain all the time… and yes, most days I am depressed and I totally get that I’m not always that responsive. I really am doing my best. My best isn’t always good enough, I get that. Thus, the “Why Me?” syndrome. I really don’t want to live like this, it’s not a choice. I’m well aware of my mental and physical state… all the time.

What does it mean to live with pain? Well, the obvious answer, to those of us living this dream life, is I need help (I apologize for the sarcasm, but this damn “Why Me?” syndrome really brings out the worst in me). I need a lot of help. I need help washing my hair, doing the laundry, cleaning the house, cooking the food, shopping, walking the dog, worst of all – driving… the list is endless. It’d be easier to answer what I don’t need help with. I need help thinking, processing information, remembering. When I’m feeling like this, I can’t remember my name sometimes. Don’t look at me like I’m crazy because I can’t remember something… I already feel crazy. It means, what takes a healthy person 30 seconds to do will sometimes take me ten times that… hell 50 times that on a really bad day.

This past week-end I decided I wanted to do some things around the house. I thought I’d surprise my husband, who was gone for the day, and do some laundry, wash the sheets and the duvet thingy. Well, I got up and did some cleaning, took all the sheets off the bed and the duvet thingy off the comforter. Did I mention I have the easiest bed to make? I did two loads of laundry and I started to make the bed when WHAM! My body was like “OHHHHH, HELL NO!! You are not going to do that!!” Awesome. The fitted sheet is on 1/2 the bed. I’m laying on top of the bed in excruciating pain. So! Now it just looks like I made a mess and I’m too lazy to make the bed (and the real topper is you can’t even tell the sheets were washed). The best intentions… I did manage to finish making the bed, but not before my husband came home. Surprise! What a fail. I was exhausted, in pain and frustrated that I couldn’t finish what I started (I did mention I have the easiest bed to make, right?). Ever had one of those days?

Annnnyyyyyhoooooo, as you can see, I’m having one of those weeks. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. I just want to express what I’m going through. I want to know my normal is normal to others with Fibromyalgia and Depression. I want people who are in relationships with people like us to understand… you know, really get that we appreciate the help but most of all we need you to support us by understanding. Plain and simple. Understand life with FMS/Depression is what it is. We have to accept it, we want you to as well. There are no miracle cures. We may feel good today and not be able to get out of bed tomorrow. Don’t act surprised or wonder why… we have no answers. Trust me, we want answers. We want a cure. We want our independence and freedom back.

Please let me know how you are doing. Share your experiences with me. Most of all, relax.

Thanks for reading.

Stay cool!

Tamiko